Learn To Live With It!

Of laziness? Of being 'social'? Of learning a different writing....?

2010-01-07T03:19:00.007-05:00

So I haven't found it in me to blog for some reason. I want to say it's because my life has been fairly frazzled. But that can't be an excuse can it? After all, if I had a burning desire to think, write, share I would have made the time. But I have felt the urge so what the hell happened. I don't know. But I'm back. Perhaps because I'm in a different country - in Pakistan. The change of rhythm helps to want to connect. But alas the timing is bad because I see the battery about to die on me. So I chime in with a non-post of sorts. I could of course plug the machine in. But I don't. I guess I'm lazy.

I promise to myself that I won't be lazy tomorrow. I think laziness might explain why I haven't blogged.

No wait a minute. It's not lazy. Or it isn't just that.

I love the rhythm of my life. I love that I no longer bring work home with me except on very rare occasions - that's the one thing I don't miss about academia. Not in the least. I think I've cherished having time at the end of the day to give to my loved ones and to myself.

That perhaps is more of the reason why I haven't blogged. And I think I needed this time to get out of the habit of thinking to write - as I've done for over a decade while making my way through my thesis and my dissertation.

This post reads qualitatively different to me. It reads like I'm feeling my writing and that is what helps me to think. I like that. I like this freedom. Stay tuned!

Returning to 30-30

2009-10-26T20:25:00.003-04:00

Greetings 30-30 readers!

It's been super quiet out here. Long story short, I finished my PhD and decided to take a hiatus from academia. Work now involves the research I did and love doing but in a different setting as an advisor. What has all this entailed and what am I up to? Well I plan to play catch-up and blog regularly from here on forwards. For now...just a quick hello to reconnect with you peeps. I'll be back in a day or two so do check back in. Here's to continuing the conversation....

Pakistan Wins World Cup

2009-06-22T12:59:00.002-04:00

Major excitement ensues after Pakistan's cricket team won the T20 World Cup yesterday. The match was thrilling to say the least. The last time we won the world cup I was graduating from school; this time post Ph.D. I was glued to the TV along with friends and family. Kudos to Pakistanis everywhere...we played like professionals and truly deserved it. Here's to more victories in the future...

Hum Hain Pakistani, Hum tou jeetain gay! (We are Pakistanis, and we will win!)

Tuning back in

2009-06-03T22:32:00.002-04:00

Good evening blogistan!

I know I've been hiding. I know I've been quiet. Some of it has been due to dealing with dissertation deposits and formatting. The other has had to do with just making several decisions and wanting a little down time. I've been thinking. But I haven't wanted to write. I want to change that starting with this blogpost but I must forewarn that things might be a little quiet on the blogging front for another couple of weeks. But I promise they won't be silent. I am craving writing - writing for fun, for exploring.

So hope all of you have been well. I have thoroughly enjoyed graduating, celebrating with my parents and loved ones, having more time for loved ones, and simply being.

More soon!

Basking in the light at the end of the tunnel

2009-04-03T15:51:00.002-04:00

Yup, all done as of March 26. No longer dwelling in the abyss of ABDhood but officially PhD'd. The cherrie on top were that I awarded a pass with no distinction and that I don't have any revisions as such to complete - just a careful combing through of the text to ensure no awkwardness or errors persist through the multiple iterations out of which the final draft was born.

Color me relieved and excited to see what comes next.

A well-rested Dr. Bionic-Woman.

The coexistence of that which is bleak with that which is life itself...

2009-01-30T18:24:00.006-05:00

If you click on the title of this post, you will find that it is linked to a piece on being in Pakistan from one of my most favorite people on the planet and a very dear friend - Naeem Inayatullah:

Some thoughts, not random but certainly not organized, that my readings of this piece triggered:

1. This might seem trivial but I do agree that with the exception of ice-cream, Pakistan really does have the most delectable tasting food and drink. It's a culinary haven.

2. Pointing to what amounts to a 'favorite' shouldn't negate the fact that this whole essay inspired me and provoked much thought in an emotional sense - much like a song that keeps building flawlessly to a crescendo that can only make you tear up and exist within a blankness that isn't empty but certainly feels that way perhaps because there is only room for feeling rather than thinking. Having said that, I do have a thought to which I am drawn and want to dwell and perhaps even savor and it is this: "On my return to Ithaca I feel empty; I wonder where the people are. I am jet-lagged, culture shocked and weather beaten. But I clutch at my disorientation with the desperation of someone who fears that Ithaca routines will leave him numbed."

The fear of being numbed. I think Naeem nails it here for all those of us who perhaps find ourselves at the margins of affiliations that don't normally go together - because society has been long used to drawing a sharper line demarcating inside and outside that it seems to have neglected to develop a vocabulary to accommodate, under one umbrella, or, in this case, one being, that which is traditionally separated. Hmm I think I might just have entered the social science-y domain by making a statement on behalf of a larger public - safety in generalizability. That's one of the things I hate most about the disciplines that fall within social science. So I'll speak for myself - although I harbor no delusions or carry the (Western) baggage of the dichotomy of individual/collective. I don't believe people are private individuals. Even the depths of our minds that we think elude all but us are a product of the ways in which we make sense of the world by interacting with it. So perhaps 'being' is a more precise word, yes? Because to me that implies interacting and being social. But I digress. Let me rephrase the statement about Naeem nailing it as one that applies solely to me as far as I know. Others who agree - or disagree - can speak for themselves.

So I was talking about the fear of being numbed. I went back to Pakistan after 2 years this past summer. Other than when we were waiting for our permanent resident paperwork to come through, I have never been away from Pakistan for this long ever since I moved to the US. The reasons for doing so are a bit personal. I have the reason that I gave to all and even me - and that was definitely part of it - I was working on my dissertation and wanted to wait till it was done. But there was a deeper reason that I've only recently recognized - I was running away from a vital part of me. I didn't know it at the time. But perhaps to grapple with it I needed to suppress it for a while. Of course none of this was conscious. But I can see it now from where I'm standing - primarily because it took confronting what I was running away from to return this August.

But back to the numbness of which Naeem is talking about in this piece. When I returned to Pakistan, after a week of reorienting myself to the frustrations and unease of loadshedding that makes one wonder if the concept of electricity is one that one ought to be amnesic about to cope with its frequent absence, nosy people who have no business butting in your business but do it anyway, getting used to the loss of privacy that follows with the nosiness so much so that what one ate for lunch suddenly becomes something that ought to be public knowledge in extensions of family that are so far removed that one rarely thinks about them, the carelessness with which time commitments are (mis)treated, the hovering around of domestic help that makes one oscillate between concerns about human rights and whether this might just be a form of slavery to relishing the fact that there are no clothes to be taken out of a dryer to be folded and put away in place. After getting back into the rhythm that was first nature to me it hit me. I miss being in Pakistan. Despite all of the things that get under my skin - and the above list is but a partial one - there is something about it that keeps me vibrant in a way that always feels new but is also familiar. As Naeem writes, "there are colors vibrant beyond any camera’s ability to capture" - so so true. In fact, along the same lines and extending what Naeem has captured so vividly, it's a rhythm of life that can't be explained until it beats in your heart.

Someone might say I'm romanticizing. Perhaps I am. But since when did romanticism become a four-letter word? What's the need to be ashamed of it? Why be embarrassed? After all, it is when we humans dream and act to make those dreams come true that we gain the opportunity to celebrate and enjoy our capacity to do wonderful things.

Being in Pakistan and getting reacquainted with the Pakistani in me (not that I'd lost it but perhaps its voice was being dulled - I think of it as the numbness to which Naeem alludes) inspires me beyond measure. It makes me feel. It gives me the space to think from my gut. I like how I think and how I write - which in my profession are both vitally important. I spent the last two years that I stayed away from Pakistan learning to think like an academic - well not so much think as make an attempt to think that way and perhaps fake it. I tried to play by the rules of the game. And Pakistan reminded me that I need to make the game mine to be happy playing it. That I came to the game in the first place because I could think of other ways to play it, of different moves that might make playing the game a much more enriching experience.

As I write this I'm getting lost. As I said above, lost in the emotions I feel but fail to perhaps articulate. Not out of fear but more so out of a consciousness of the seconds ticking away on the clock while knowing that there are things I need to tend to and so the luxury of thinking this through must wait.

But yes I know that it is this very fear of numbness that is very real for me once more. That is until I can find a way to play the game so that my rules apply as well.

3. The Pakistan I see in the news while navigating my existence between New Jersey, New York, and DC frustrates me to no end. I don't deny its existence. But I do deny that it is all there is to Pakistan. To follow Naeem's thoughts, if the rubble of bomb blasts or the destruction on a street left by a rioting crowd make up Pakistan then so do a people whose conscience and hearts are alive. Who dream of a better future. Who try to inspire others to create this future. Who in their small ways also fill their present with vestiges of this utopia. That utopic present exists in the women of whom Naeem speaks. Someone like his cousin Miryam. I too see it all around me when I go. It is in the eyes of the Afghan refugee boy who creates fascinating products to sell on the street; all alone in the world his eyes are never sad but glimmer with hope and pride. I also see it in the architecture. The fountain known as 'do talwar' - two swords - that has been dedicated to those refugees who came to Pakistan in 1947 and gave up their all to make a dream a reality with a corporeal existence. In this sense, Pakistan is the conundrum Naeem captures in his story of his morning jog in Islamabad - one in which guards are deployed on streets but who suddenly also become part of your daily rhythm. If they are there because the law and order situation is horrendous, their presence is also very much a part of the vibrancy of Pakistan - the relationships one carves on a daily basis. Relationships that cement themselves with even a few brief, seemingly superficial encounters. I think back to my daily visits to the Avari Towers hotel in Karachi while I was there doing my field research. I'd go there to check my e-mail because they had high-speed wireless. The guard who would open the door for me on my way in and on my way out was a reminder of the dangers that lurk all over Karachi. Yet, in that brief encounter that occurred everyday, our 2 minutes conversation suddenly become a connection about our lives. And so I got to know all about the dreams he has for his family's future. I've never met them but I know them well. When I returned to Pakistan after 2 years this past summer, he recognized me instantly and inquired where I'd been all this time. And so it was like I'd never left or that the break hadn't been as long.

4. I'm relieved that for once someone trying to explain the normalcy of life in Pakistan didn't try to make it fit within the parameters of normalcy that might be used by the 'other' with whom one is trying to communicate. There was no reassurance, no defensiveness. Only an exploration of that which is quintessentially Pakistan - a normalcy that continue to evolve and exist alongside that which is bleak.

5. I miss the raw smells, the vibrant colors, and being part of the vitality of which Naeem speaks. I too am fearful and resistant of numbness. There are days I fight it well. Then there are days when perhaps I don't feel the need to fight it at all because something like the essay Naeem has written inspires me from within my gut and makes me feel like I don't have a long-distance relationship with my Pakistani-ness. On others, the distance is overwhelming. And I fear. And I contemplate. And I too clutch at the 'me' that sometimes feels lost and out of place in the fray that is my life in America. But, then again, my life in America is also very much a part of me. It inspires me - but in a characteristically different way. One whose heartbeat might be different but very much keeps the pulse running.

And on that note of a horrendously phrased metaphor, I sign off until next time.

Truck-Loads of Belated Wishes

2009-01-07T09:20:00.002-05:00

In my MIA-ness tons of holidays passed us by. So, in that spirit, belated Happy Eid, Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Year. It's been eerily quiet here on this space - chalk it up to the holiday season and trying to dissertate. It might be a while before I begin to post again but I promise to be back later this month once I've circled my way back from the edge of the planet.

In the meantime, sending out wishes for a 2009 that brings happiness, joy, fulfillment, health, prosperity, and peace to all.

78% man? Really!

2008-11-26T09:19:00.004-05:00

I was sent a link to this site called GenderAnalyzer by a friend. You type in the URL for a blog and the site determines whether the blog is being written by a man or a woman. My result? 76% man.

Plausible explanation other than being just plain wrong (and I say this because while Asad is a man he remains MIA on this blog) - perhaps if you claim to be 'bionic' it makes you a man or at least a manly woman.

I'd love to know how they came up with their analytical criteria. Well love might be too strong...let's just say I'm curious.

All I'm going to say is that I'm expecting my honorary penis in the mail in 4-5 business days!

Universal Children's Day & Faiz Ahmed Faiz's Death Anniversary

2008-11-20T19:19:00.002-05:00

Although I knew it was Faiz's death anniversary today, I wasn't actually aware that Universal Children's Day is also being observed today.

Why is that important to me?

I'm reminded now of the first poem that I actually read by Faiz titled "Subh-e-Azadi" or "The Dawn of Freedom":

These tarnished rays, this night smudged light –
This is not that Dawn for which, ravished with freedom,
we had set out in sheer longing,
so sure that somewhere in its desert the sky harbored
a final haven for the stars, and we would find it. . . .

Now listen to the terrible rampant lie:
Light has forever been severed from the Dark;
Our feet, it is heard, are now one with their goal.
See our leaders polish their manner clean of suffering:
Indeed we must confess only to bliss;
we must surrender any utterance for the Beloved – all yearning is outlawed.

But the heart, the eye, the yet deeper heart –
Still ablaze for the Beloved, their turmoil shines.
In the lantern by the road the flame is stalled for news:
Did the morning breeze ever come? Where has it gone?
Night weighs us down, it still weighs us down.
Friends, come away from this false light. Come, we must search for that promised Dawn.

It's a poem that haunts me - in a strangely optimistic way - and also inspires me. It makes me think about where Pakistan is today, of the promises of 1947, and perhaps the promises that we need to revisit and even revise today to get close to the dream that was and align it with reality.

I can't help but think about this poem in the context of Universal Children's Day. Ever since 2001 when the present war began in Afghanistan, every time I've gone back to Karachi I've met the same little boy on the same intersection - for those who are familiar it's the right turn on Khayaban-e-Shamsheer that heads towards Zamzama. Every year he has a new "scheme" to make money. He has no-one. He doesn't know where his parents are. He doesn't dream of seeing them again nor does he lament over that he might never see them again. Thousands of cars pass him by everyday without perhaps noticing him or dismissing him with the slight of hand - a gesture oft-used to shoo away beggars. Unlike others who sell flowers on the road or religious books or balloons, this kid markets his own creations. And when someone dismisses him he doesn't bat an eyelid and picks up where he left off. He chases cars. He dodges the cars as soon as the traffic light turns green - sometimes whizzing in between speeding cars one wonders how he's even alive. He refuses to accept charity. He wants to earn his way as best he can and as best he knows. He collects old school books that folks throw away to continue his education. He even looks out for the other refugee kids that beg at this traffic light. He loves to narrate stories. And in this nomadic existence, he's nurtured solid friendships - of which I'd like to think one is between him and me. He's a fighter, he has resilience, he has vision, and most of all he has faith not that things will be all right but that they're quite good as is.

I think about his face when I think about the millions of kids on streets worldwide. And I wonder when we will, to use Faiz, "search for that promised Dawn" when these kids have a better life to relish....

Yes We Did!

2008-11-05T09:18:00.003-05:00

Behold the 44th President of the United States of America: President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama!

Color me elated and exhilarated. And currently battling the stupor and dragging-of-derriere that follows celebrating into the wee hours of the morning. More thoughts later...

Election Day 2008

2008-11-04T07:28:00.002-05:00

I'd planned to write a longer post reflecting on my responses to the campaign and the upcoming election - but for now this short one because I'm off to vote and volunteer. If you are a US citizen and registered to vote, please do so.

And a shameless yet earnest plug for the candidate who has inspired the hearts and minds of millions: Please vote for Senator Barack Obama for the next US President.

More thoughts later....again please vote! Go Obama!

The Classic Dames Test

2008-10-13T14:43:00.001-04:00

I'm not quite sure what to make of this...perhaps because I promised myself that this would be just a 5 minutes break from The Bane Of My Existence. I promise a "real" post later this week.

Your result for The Classic Dames Test...

Myrna Loy

You scored 26% grit, 43% wit, 10% flair, and 38% class!

You are loaded with a quirky kind of class that people find irresistable. Men turn and look at you admiringly as you walk down the street, and even your rivals have a grudging respect for you. You usually know the right thing to say, do and, of course, wear. You can take charge of a situation when things get out of hand, and you do it with great poise and chic. Your wit and sense of fun endear you to your partner and every other man in the room. Your screen partners include William Powell and Cary Grant. You're quite a catch...if you want to be caught.

Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the
Classic Leading Man Test.

Take The Classic Dames Test at HelloQuizzy

No longer MIA...well kinda

2008-09-25T08:23:00.003-04:00

Guess who's back?! I know it's been eerily quiet out here on 30-30. Long story short, I left for a vacation and decided to stay on hiatus from blogging and non-urgent e-mails. Just primarily for the sake of my sanity to be honest.

I'm back. The dissertation beast is awake so I might not be posting as regularly as I'd want to for the next couple of weeks. But yes I do want to write a couple of posts about being back in Pakistan after a long(?) gap of 2 1/2 years.

Anyhow, just wanted to shout out a hello to everyone. Hope you've all been doing well in all sorts of ways.

Despair not...

2008-08-04T07:35:00.002-04:00

To all of you dissertators and anybody else struggling with anything for a while now...some words of inspiration and perhaps inspire your courage anew...it certainly helped me gather the determination I lost last week to finish:

"People usually fail when they are on the verge of success. So give as much care to the end as to the beginning."
– Lao-Tzu

Onwards and forwards!

A Quote This Tuesday Morning

2008-07-29T10:12:00.003-04:00

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens."
– Carl Jung

As I've mentioned several times before on this blog, I subscribe to a service through which I get quotes in my e-mail everyday. I've shared some of the ones that have inspired me or that got me thinking. Here's another one.

What struck me about this is in the context of experiences I've had over the last couple of years in particular. And as I look back retrospectively, I can't help but nod my head vigorously. I've noticed that I'm happiest and most fulfilled when I actually have the courage to listen to what my heart tells me to do. Otherwise I feel stuck and stagnant. Surprisingly, that gets more difficult as we get older - or so it seems. I know that I think more about what I have to do or what I'm expected to do then what I want to do. Luckily there isn't always a conflict between the two. But when there is, that's when things get hairy, yes? I don't mean "listening to the heart" in an hedonistic, completely ruled by the id kind of way. But I'm a big believer - or rather have become since I was about 27/28 - that our hearts and guts know what's best for us instantaneously. It takes a while for our minds to catch up to it. That's been my experience at least.

Your thoughts?

2 dissertating challenges

2008-07-23T08:53:00.003-04:00

Since I'm still here :-), I wanted to share 2 more thoughts. The first is an overall challenge while dissertating. The second thought is specific to my empirical chapters but one can conceivably extend it to the rest of the dissertating experience.

1. The hardest thing, time and again, heck I'd say day in and day out is the ABCD rule. That is, Apply Butt to Chair and Dissertate. Even when there is momentum. Even when you finish a chapter. Even after a particularly good writing day. It takes every ounce of strength and willpower to sit down in front of your laptop/computer/what have you each time and click on that icon on the desktop that represents the document you're currently working on. I think the clicking of the document is very tough. Those seconds between moving your finger over the trackpad to the click to the opening of an in-progress document - worse still if you're starting a new document - that's just when I end up feeling the urge to flight. Once it's open I think I breathe more easy and feel like I can tackle this. A productive morning doesn't automatically translate into the desire to sit down and continue the same rhythm in the afternoon. I wonder why that is. I suspect because it's intimidating to stare at a blank screen not knowing how much you'll write today or if you'll write anything that's usable. The latter is the most difficult - when you know you're putting in the time and the output, although helpful in working through an argument, isn't going to end up in the category of "finished dissertation pages" can be rather frustrating. Personally, I need pin drop silence to write and process. So it means being sort of a recluse. Hmm not just sort of. Not that I have trouble being myself and I cherish my "me-time" I do crave social interactions. That I currently seem to be starving myself on that front might be why I'm feeling so worn out. But I also know that I have to be strong through this or it isn't getting done - not just by the deadline I have in mind but not at all. And I'll be damned if I have this stretch out a few months longer because I just don't have the mental or emotional energy to continue feeling as stagnant as dissertating can feel. [Nopes I'm not bitter but I am restless.]

2. I'm currently writing a chapter that is based on original field research. I have a lot more interviews than I can conceivably include. I've made peace with that. Of the ones I thought I'd include until last week, well let's just say it would be overkill if I included all of them. I've noticed that, on average, the analysis of each interview is ranging about 20 pages. If I include all 11, well you do the math. So I'm working on cutting down the number. And it's almost like asking a parent of more than one kid who their favorite child is. I have no magical formula how to decide which ones to include and which to exclude. It's not just about page length. I suspect they get redundant real quickly in terms of the overall argument. The minute details are fun but not critical to moving the argument along. To be honest, the practical side of me concurs with a serious editing of that list of 11 - because having fewer to analyze means the deadline becomes attainable. In this worn out state, that consideration is part of the calculation. Of course then I end up feeling guilty. So I review my analysis again and it also makes intellectual sense. The challenge here is not about overcoming the guilt - or at least it's not what I'm focusing on. I have figured out what to do, more or less, for this current chapter. It might mean ignoring 2 interviews that I was really excited about but could well be a stand-alone chapter on a sub-topic within the dissertation in terms of the empirical sites I'm looking at. That the interviews of these individuals are of retired military officers and I'd planned for 'the military' to be a separate chapter in my dissertation but dropped the idea since I didn't have enough interviews to do that because of access issues [long story that I really don't feel like revisiting right now]. However, I could change these into a spin-off piece in the form of a journal article so it's not like I won't work on them ever. Nonetheless, what's difficult is that you do so much work and so little makes it to the dissertation project that it feels akin to a major letdown. Again I understand that it's not like I could have found a magic shortcut along the way and what feels like meandering is just part of the process and how it works. Still, that it never figures in can be heart-breaking and gut-wrenching.

Enough ranting/blogging, now I must open the file for chapter 5. Wish me luck!

Update: yesterday + dissertating

2008-07-23T08:50:00.003-04:00

So I did manage to get some work done. I didn't spend a lot of time and remained rather frazzled but I got out a draft of one of the interviews I'm analyzing - excerpts and discussion included. Not entirely bad.

Still, it remains rather Herculean as a challenge in terms of the timeline I'm looking at. And for various reasons I h-a-v-e to stick to those deadlines and somehow make it all happen.

Feeling rather un-bionic

2008-07-22T16:26:00.002-04:00

So I guess I ended up jinxing it. Or I'm just plain tired and am looking for a more meaningful excuse than being unable to work.

I've been working hard so I don't feel guilty about not having clocked a single minute on my dissertation thus far today. But I am feeling anxious - and that's making the "I don't want to write" feeling worse.

On days like these I wonder why I was drawn to all of this because I enjoy thinking and writing. I don't enjoy it all the time.

Or perhaps this is how I get when I'm starting to work on a chapter because it all seems fuzzy.

Lots of possible be-'causes' I guess...I just wish I could work. I could take a mental health day but I don't really feel like taking time off because I wish I could just work. Hmm perhaps just wishing it will make it happen, yes?

Well I guess I still have the day left...I could give it a shot. I think I'm really worn out though because I've been at it rather maniacally - at this point I'm literally dreaming my dissertation or to-do list connected to the dissertation. So I wake up already exhausted to be honest.

Hmm I can't even seem to write a straight rant. I'll let you know tomorrow if I was able to work.

Did it! And doing it...

2008-07-21T11:03:00.004-04:00

'It' being the chapter I was running late on that I blogged about in my previous post.

I also mentioned a significant accomplishment coming up earlier here. Well I've completed 4 chapters, have 3 more to edit and 1 to write from scratch. Of the "3 more" to edit, 2 of the 3 are in more decent shape. So really 1 is kind of going to be written from scratch more or less. Also, of these 3, there's one set of interviews that I've never really incorporated in my analysis in any systematic way so that means quite a bit of work.

So if I'm MIA you know where I am. Please send me good vibes so that I can finish these drafts by the date I have planned. [Nopes not divulging because whenever I do I think I tend to jinx it myself.]

A very dear friend and colleague who also posts his comments on this blog as "anonymous" wrote to me that once there are 3 chapters in the box you know it's getting done. From his mouth (technically, typeface) to God's ears as well as my fingers. [Thanks "anonymous".]

Okay gotta go put my dissertating shoes on and get to it!

Another day, another missed deadline

2008-07-18T09:08:00.004-04:00

So the chapter I would have been ecstatic to finish yesterday is going to eat up all of today and, yes let's be realistic, a decent chunk of tomorrow unless I truly develop some bionic dissertating skills that I currently lack.

No I'm holding the perfectionism at bay so that's not it. Perhaps I'm just too optimistic with my estimations of how long it'll take me to finish something just because I'm so eager to no longer be dissertating. And in that eagerness I forget to allow myself the bad day where I don't want to dissertate because my brain no longer wants to process this darn thing or because I have the flu or because we have guests or just like that. Or maybe the estimation is realistic at the time but as I write those what happens is that new ideas (I used to call them green points aka my own little flashes of intellectual wonder - or so I like to think - but on the days they end up making me spend more time writing I'm less than fond of them while I also love them...sigh...ambivalence) pop into my head and I know they'd improve the argument and make it more substantive.

Either way you look at it, for better or worse, it's taking me longer than I had hoped to finish this chapter. That I'm working to a deadline (nopes I refuse to share it with the blogosphere right now because I don't want to jinx it) makes me anxious when things take extra days. It's a self-enforced deadline and it's connected to being able to take a vacation - so it is hard and fast in that I really deserve the latter and am craving it.

So back to the proverbial drawing board. Coz it ain't getting done by me blogging away :-). I'll be back!

Another chapter sent

2008-07-17T15:54:00.002-04:00

Yay me! I submitted the aforementioned methodology chapter to my chair day before yesterday and I swear it feels pretty darn good. More so because that's the chapter that sets the stage for me to be me without continuously having to justify the rationale for the project - from this point on I get to do the project which is liberating.

As far as completion is concerned, I'm coming up on a significant milestone...although not THE milestone but a pretty good one. Stay tuned for details shortly.

The Pursuit of Gadgetic Happiness

2008-07-15T11:29:00.004-04:00

1. I got a new iPhone 3G on Saturday the 12th which means I get to play with it instead of lusting after it. A million thanks to the parents for the present :-). It really is the funkiest piece of technology in recent years. I highly recommend it. My favorite feature? Currently deciding!

2. I also (finally!) put paranoia aside and upgraded to Leopard despite still being in Dissertationistan. Also loving Leopard with the only possible exceptions being the currently uncooperative iPhoto (which isn't that big a deal) and adjusting to the fact that the font in which I was writing my dissertation (New York) has suddenly disappeared. Let's just say the disorientation is making me uncomfortable.

Enough of an update, now back to finishing the chapter I ought to have on Saturday to deserve all of the retail therapy I'm currently enjoying.

Why a Ph.D?

2008-07-09T10:32:00.003-04:00

I've thought about this before. I've even posted about it before - if not on this particular blog then elsewhere in the blogosphere. I've talked about it with many of our readers here at LTLWI. But I don't think I've ever really had the perspective (being in the thick of things) or the courage to admit what I'm about to share right now.

This is going to sound incredibly self-indulgent for someone who isn't going to have a trust fund kick in. But it is the truth.

I did this because I love to think and write. I love being able to produce a tight narrative - one that moves people or forces them to think. [Relevant aside: I will add here that I love to write but not necessarily dissertate - and no I won't elaborate on that until I'm done with PhDing - not for any other reason but I just don't think I need to process it and risk a crisis of thought in a swirling vortex of anything remotely negative.]

I was able to do it for these reasons entirely because of my parents' support. Their objective for me as their offspring as far as education/schooling was concerned was that they wanted me to become an educated person capable of thinking. To them, college was a place where one went to learn how to think rather than be trained in a particular vocation. I respect and value their thoughts; more than that I love them for subscribing to this notion instead of being typical Pakistani/South Asian parents who can only see their kids growing up as doctors or lawyers or engineers. I love that they gave me the freedom to be able to use my brains. And this whole PhDing has been the ultimate space to nurture that kind of experience - this is not to say that that is it's only reality but it certainly is what the whole endeavor is about...so long as you find the right people or seek the right people to sustain the ideal.

And so, while I'm not exactly done - although I'm close but sometimes proximity can present itself as an overwhelming distance - I know that I would do it over. Well perhaps not in exactly the same way but I, despite obstacles and frustrations, have loved the experience. And to be perfectly honest, that which aggravated me about this process and continues to is only so if I think I'm in it for other reasons. But when I manage to remain in touch with my 'real' reason for doing this, I'm grateful and thankful to have had this opportunity. And for anyone else thinking about pursuing this path for the same reason, and only this, then I'd highly recommend it.

Now, back to dissertating. I have to finish working on a chapter that's due July 11. Wish me luck.

Dissertation Update OR "Three in One Day!"

2008-06-28T12:10:00.006-04:00

I seem to be on some kind of blogging overkill today! Tons of thoughts - must share I guess. Or perhaps I'm just overcompensating for something akin to a major disappearance act from the blogopsphere that I will be pulling since I have 2 major deadlines to meet before we get to the long Independence day week-end in the US next week. Also, July is going to be a bitch and not in a fun way.

Despite being hit by fever and the sniffles most of last week, I, in my state of considerable delusion induced by antibiotics, came up with what I think is a kick-ass way to organize and execute the present draft of my methodology chapter. That it started raining just as I typed this sentence might (might) be a sign that I'm progressing in the right direction - or so says the myth that circulates in my Ph.D. program and perhaps even the 'Pakistani' part of my identity. Anyhow, I digress. This epiphany couldn't have come at a better time since I spent a couple of days firmly ensconced in despondency over this chapter. It isn't the first draft by any means or even the second or third. I felt like I should know what to do with it and just simply couldn't tell. But, as I said, it's currently kick-ass. So I better get my butt in gear (hmm what's with all the words having to do with posteriors?) and start working before I can officially kick off the week-end this afternoon.

How's the rest of the blogosphere holding up?

Of Resolutions

2008-06-28T11:58:00.002-04:00

Over a year ago, I made a resolution to cleanse my life of all relationships that were somehow toxic. An example would be friendships that were more a habit or compulsion than actual connections. Or perhaps relationships that always had me down more than up. I've more or less accomplished that. Okay what I really mean is I have actually accomplished that absent those relationships which according to, "the world", I can't walk away from. I've made my peace that and keep my contact to a bare minimum.

So now it's time for a new resolution that pertains not to my personal life but my professional one.

I've noticed that ever since I was a kid I have a really difficult time completing projects very close to the finish line if they have been part of my daily rhythm for too long. I get restless. I crave change. I want variety. For example, I'd do well in school all year long but I'd lose focus when it came to finals. Another example is my dissertation - I start writing a chapter and it's always the last couple of sections that trip me up. Either I don't finish them or write crappy bullet points to get it over with. I don't know if it's because the perfectionist in me gets intimated - some might say that. I really think it's just as simple as being bored. Although the perfectionism thing isn't completely off base. I work so hard in the beginning and maniacally to the point of exclusion of all else that I lose the fire by the time I near the finish line. So my new resolution is to work through the boredom or not let myself get to that point by curbing the perfectionist in me. Where am I going to try this first? Duh - the dissertation! Stay tuned - I won't promise regular updates but there will definitely be an announcement when I finish :-).

Black? White? Both? Other colors?

2008-06-28T11:20:00.003-04:00

An e-mail exchange over the last 2 days with "anonymous" got me thinking about ambiguities and wanting to make things neat.

Let me try to explain.

I don't know how consciously this happens or if the recognition of it is any more conscious than its development but there comes a time, when we've had some amount of life experiences, that we have what we would describe as 'fully-fleshed out opinions or ideas' on the stuff that life is made of. As time passes, perhaps sometimes we get used to thinking that way. Then something happens and you're forced to revisit what you think - not because you necessarily need to change your thought since life has thrown you a curve ball. That's not what I have in mind. What I'm thinking of perhaps is more along the lines when in the course of an ordinary conversation one thing leads to another and the next thing you know you're deliberately contemplating an opinion, an idea, a belief, a value, a habit of living perhaps.

I tend towards "in-between" as a default position when it comes to most things. I don't mean non-committal or balanced but I'd like to think that where I end up is in a zone that doesn't want to necessarily see things as black or white. In other words, I'd like to think that I'm comfortable with ambivalence. That, unlike my desire to have any motifs on my bedding facing the head or everything on my desk at a right angle, that when it comes to meaningful life stuff I'm okay when things aren't neat.

And I am.

However, when I try to express my opinions or thoughts I try to neaten them up. I beat the "gray" or "other colors" out of them and package them as "black or white". Why do I/we do that? Are we so hung up on conventional forms of rationality that our communication patterns center around that? Or perhaps it's the way language works - a tool that was intended to resolve uncertainty. I'd say perhaps it's the way language is - a tool of the brain that doesn't quite capture what the heart feels or the gut senses. But then again I've read beautiful poetry that does exactly that. So perhaps it's me - or us if you dwell in the same space on this.

Why and when do we rush to neatness? I'll speak for myself. Is it that I want to seem more sure than I am? Or rather, I want to disguise what others might recognize as uncertainty when it really is a more solid certain than I'm letting on.

Before I go on, I'm not angsting. Just thinking through a train of thought and blogging about it.

So where was I before that disclaimer?

Yes...why is it that when we can dwell in what seems like ambiguity or be comfortable in complexity that our conversation or presentation of those ideas tends towards neat matrices of 2x2s or something like that?

I usually end up back in the complexity but why the impulse to start off neat? Any thoughts?

PS - special note to 'anonymous'(although I think that ought to be 'n-anonymous'): Thanks for always engaging and keeping me engaged.

Yay!

2008-06-19T11:33:00.004-04:00

Last night I (finally!) finished a chapter that has been the bane of my existence since I started writing the dissertation actively and that I've continued to avoid for months every time I return to it. Always managing to almost finish a draft but never quite getting the last few pages done. That's how it continued to stand. And now, well, it's done.

Okay just perhaps not done done or I won't know until my committee reads it. But it is definitely the least horrendous version of this particular chapter - and actually has finished sentences and sub-sections!

I'd say yesterday was a good day - what with completing a chapter and one of my very old school friends having a baby (congrats Sam!)

Dare I say onwards? Well after playing a little hookey this afternoon (read: getting my Airport card fixed...this whole sans wireless access thing just isn't fun)

Which of these 2 choices would you make?

2008-06-13T13:17:00.003-04:00

Would you rather be doing nothing to keep space open in your life for that perfect 'thing' (whatever it may be - a job, that special someone or even something relatively mundane like the perfect movie or dessert) or would you rather find something/someone in the meantime and see where life takes you?

What would I do? I guess it depends on the 'thing' in question :-). I'd rather not waste calories on an average dessert - and I mean that both literally and metaphorically ;-). But not always I guess :-)!

Your thoughts blog-readers?

Where I am...

2008-06-11T17:35:00.001-04:00

...is exactly where I ought to have been if the folks at Blogthings have it right!

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher.

You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Getting it done...

2008-06-10T07:49:00.004-04:00

Well trying to at least.

I have to admit that I'm sick to death of working on this dissertation project. Probably because it's yet another summer where I'm trying to get it done. I think I will. Rather, I won't allow myself not to.

But, for multiple reasons that shall remain un-blogged, I just don't feel motivated by the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps this has something to do with my own personality traits - if I've been doing something for a while it's always the last few steps that I find challenging. Not because the work that remains is a challenge compared to what I've accomplished on the thing in question up until that point but because I get restless and bored. I was that way in school as far back as first grade even. I'd have all the enthusiasm throughout the year and then we'd have final year-end assessments and I'd be completely distracted and not do as well. Undergrad was like this for me too - I took really easy classes the last semester of the last year and had an incredibly breezy schedule. However, I probably fared the worst most of them except for one (which is the one I actually felt challenged by). I wonder if this is a pattern I need to break. I think I already start thinking ahead to what comes next and what I need to finish up to move on seems to take a backseat. That's probably bad. Especially since the stuff I've worked on in the past had a definitive timeline - exams ended and once you amassed 128 credits successfully you had a Bachelor's degree. Alas PhDing isn't like that. If you ignore that little thing called The Dissertation you don't magically finish but giving it the bare minimum.

And so I must try to be productive this summer even though I'm already daydreaming about what comes next. I'll keep you folks posted on my progress.

Sesame Street Persona Quiz

2008-06-09T09:31:00.005-04:00

I am apparently - drum roll please - Big Bird! That does make sense perhaps since Big Bird was my favorite character on Sesame Street. Here are the results:

You scored 77% Organization, 51% abstract, and 81% extroverted!

This test measured 3 variables.

First, this test measured how organized you are. Some muppets like Cookie Monster make big messes, while others like Bert are quite anal about things being clean.

Second, this test measured if you prefer a concrete or an abstract viewpoint. For the purposes of this test, concrete people are considered to gravitate more to mathematical and logical approaches, whereas abstract people are more the dreamers and artistic type.

Third, this test measured if you are more of an introvert or an extrovert. By definition, an introvert concentrates more on herself and an extrovert focuses more on others. In this test an introvert was somebody that either tends to spend more time alone or thinks more about herself.

You are very organized, both concrete and abstract, and more extroverted.

Here is why are you Big Bird.

You are both very organized. You almost always know where your belongings are and you prefer things neat. You may even enjoy cleaning and find it therapeutic. Big Bird is never sloppy and always under control... pretty good for a 6 year old bird living without a family.

You both are sometimes concrete and sometimes abstract thinkers. Big Bird can be quite dreamy at times and has no problem using his imagination. At the same time he is also practical and can be methodical in his search for answers to questions. You have a good balance in your life. You know when to be logical at times, but you also aren't afraid to explore your dreams and desires... within limits of course.

You are both extroverts. Big Bird gets along with everyone. He makes friends easily and always has a positive attitude. You definitely enjoy the company of others, and you don't have problems meeting new people... in fact you probably look forward to it. You are willing to take charge when necessary or work as part of a team.

The other possible characters are
Oscar the Grouch
Bert
Snuffleupagus
Ernie
Elmo
Kermit the Frog
Grover
Cookie Monster
Guy Smiley
The Count

A first!

2008-06-04T11:15:00.002-04:00

For the very first time in this whole dissertating process, I managed to force myself to push through the writing even if I didn't think it was perfect. Normally I obsess over links and spend time hunting down citations as I craft each sentence. Yesterday I wrote to tell the story without getting lost in all of the details. In other words, I wrote what I think a reader needs to know instead of telling the reader everything I know. It's not perfect by any means. But it certainly is good enough. Or so I think - we'll see what my committee members have to say when they read it.

Behold the power of ZZZ's

2008-06-03T09:16:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was a particularly rough day for a multitude of personal reasons. You know the kind of day you have when, despite being generally optimistic, 'tomorrow' seems more like something "they" say to distract you but that really has more fantasy than reality? Well that was Monday for me. And then I actually slept last night - not completely like a baby or straight through but I got more sleep than I have in the past few weeks. And although none of the personal stuff has really gone away I feel like it's been put in some perspective by those oh so blessed zzz's. I've noticed that whenever my brain gets cloudy and I can't quite process stuff, I do feel a lot better once I've slept. By better I mean I have a better handle on confronting challenges head on - plus I get out of loopy moode.

So if you're feeling as overwhelmed as I was yesterday, make sure to get a good night's sleep.

So what's the plan today? I didn't write as much as I had planned to yesterday so I'm going to play catch up. I'd planned to write an entire sub-section of a chapter of my dissertation - all I wrote was a detailed summary outline of the section. So the goal is to finish that sub-section today. And then get a headstart on the subsection I was planning to start working on today. Wish me luck blogosphere!

Mid-year resolution: mini-rewards

2008-06-02T15:48:00.002-04:00

Today's issue of The Chronicle has a great column by Ms. Mentor on shortening to-do lists for academics. If you're interested in reading this, and you don't have to be in academe to do so, please check it out here.

An excerpt of some of the ideas from this piece that struck a chord with me or had me laughing while nodding my head vigorously: "Too many academics are riddled with guilt, Ms. Mentor knows. Most of you have been fueled by it all your lives. ... Academics start the summer with a fresh slate, the way the rest of the world starts a new year: gasping with exhaustion, but brimming with nervous energy and wildly ambitious plans. You'll learn Old Norse or study genetics. You'll clean up all those moldering books and papers. You'll alphabetize and synthesize and categorize. ... You've worked intensely through the academic year, and some part of you yearns to be the beach bum or bummette -- the lazy loafer the civilians think you are -- after you've put in nine months smoothly molding young minds. (Civilians also think teaching restless teenagers is easy. Ms. Mentor wishes that stingy legislators were required to take a turn teaching and grading first-year composition at a community college. They just might appreciate the performance anxiety, the classroom radar, and the standup comedy aspects of the job -- and how deeply, deeply draining it can be.) Your To-Do list can include some beach-bunny activity for every day. It can be swimming or volleyball, or cooking something tasty, or getting together with your fellow graduate students or colleagues to whine, conspire, brag, and cheer one another on. ... Summer can be a most serious time for academics. For dissertation and book writers, it's the up-close, concentrated wrestling with ideas and phrasing. For scientists, it means full days in the lab; for botanists and archaeologists, full days in the field. Summer can be the most intense, focused, and exhilarating time -- leading to some bittersweet moments of decision."

Moral of the story? Rather, what's the resolution as the title of this post suggests*?
Instead of binge dissertating and delaying all gratification, I'm going to try to be disciplined about writing a decent amount everyday (which I do have specified on a meticulously drawn calendar). Every time I get done with a chapter draft I'm going to reward myself. And I have plans for vacationing at the half-way mark and grander ones for when I submit The Whole Dissertation. When will that be? Sooner than you think :-).

Here's to a productive and fun summer! Brace yourselves and get ready to call me Dr. B-W (Inshallah! Fingers crossed. Throwing salt over shoulder and knocking on wood.

*[N: I think you should join me in this resolution].

Quote of the Week: Monday, June 2

2008-06-02T10:33:00.002-04:00

"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses." – Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr.

I really liked this one or rather it resonated with me because of the kind of start this week seems to have gotten off to. And it's only 10:35 am on Monday! Nopes nothing on the scale of tragedy (Mashallah. Knock on wood) but you know when you have the kind of weeks where lots of loved ones are around you because they happen to be visiting and then suddenly the fantasy comes to an end because people have to get back to their daily lives. So I find myself in kind of that lull. Over the past 2+ months, several people whom I love dearly but who live far away have been visiting one after the other. It's been incredibly heartwarming and fun. Now everyone's gone and it suddenly feels very empty. It's going to take a while to get used to. That's what was bumming me out this morning. And then I got this quote in my e-mail and felt rather unbummed because it reminded me to smile both because of weeks past and because I'm sure I'll meet everybody again...soon enough I hope (Inshallah).

Plus I kind of like the whole "glass is half full" approach to life. In fact, I try to veer towards the approach where "the glass is half-full and I'm trying to find a way to make it more full".

Here's to roses and thorns! Have a good Monday all!

Condolences

2008-05-28T13:06:00.007-04:00

This post is to let our readers at LTLWI know that Asad's mother passed away in Karachi last night (Inna-Lilah-e-Wa-Inna-Ileh-e-Rajeoon). Please say a prayer for her as well as Asad and his family.

It's been a horrible few days on my end as losing loved ones is concerned. My aunt's (father's brother's sister) mother died of cancer, a colleague I know through the conference circuit lost his father, another dear friend lost an aunt, and one of my dearest, closest friends lost his mother very unexpectedly which made it even worse. You're all in my thoughts. I hope once you get through this difficult time that fond memories bring a smile to your face and warmth in your hearts.

In all of these instances, the people I know were either in North America or Europe while the person who passed away was in Pakistan. I've been through that too - in fact all of my loved ones who have passed away has happened while I was traveling or living in the US while they were in Pakistan. That sucks. In fact, it makes me think globalization sucks! I could do with some good news real soon. In fact, I guess some baby news would be nice - that'll make it feel more circle-of-life-ish rather than black-hole-ish which is what it feels like right now.

For all of those people I mentioned above, I hope and pray that you and your family/loved ones have the strength and patience to bear your losses. Please take care of yourselves.

Additionally, I'll be praying for the safety, long life, good health, and happiness of all our loved ones (Inshallah/God Willing).

This is my new mantra!

2008-05-27T11:21:00.003-04:00

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. [Alan Cohen]

Watch out world! Here I come :-)!

"Aren't You Done Yet?"

2008-05-24T11:07:00.003-04:00

I seem to not be having a very good month in between all the questions about marriage (which, call me crazy, but I think is really inappropriate to bring up at any point during a funeral) and finishing my Ph.D. I've already ranted in the past about the marriage question...so today it's the turn of the PhD rant.

The underlying theme of all these questions is that if I get a total of 4 months off during the year - or so it seems from the outside - and if I only teach 2 classes a semester then why the hell can't I just sit down to write and finish. How do you explain to an outsider that the "real world" gives you time off to take time off but the academic world is better at giving that illusion than actually giving time off? Yes you can take your own little vacation but at the cost of immense guilt and overwhelming stress that 3 days off is likely going to translate into weeks of catching up. There is something exponential about the work you do if you're academicking - by which I mean either working on a PhD while holding down teaching duties or adjuncting in 5 places as a newly minted PhD or in a tenure-track/tenured professorial position.

When school is in session, I think those of us who try to do this decently well, end up spending about 6-7 hours of prep for teaching a single class. That doesn't include grading, office hours, student meetings, e-mail questions, etc. Then there's the in-class performance - you have to go do it even if you're feeling particularly blah - and you have to do it enthusiastically. If you teach 2-3 courses a semester chances are that about 4 days of the week you barely have time to breathe. That leaves 3 days. You catch up on grading and reading and answering student e-mails. You plan ahead for research projects. You get yourselves organized. One day of the week you slow it down or else you'll be too bitchy and burnt out to pick yourself up and get through the next week. There are always disgruntled students to manage who don't do the work, feel like they deserve nothing less than an A+, and are convinced that their poor grades have nothing to do with their performance but your whims and fancies. [I hear women in academia struggle more with this than men and I think that's purely *&^#@( unfair!) Then that summer arrives. O blessed summer! To the world it looks like you aren't going to work. Except - well you're catching up on the last 9 months when you never got enough time to write and writing what you would have written in these 3 months irrespective.

Of course it isn't all dreary. Some of the students are wonderful, sometimes you reach out to particularly difficult students and it pays off after a few times, and the days you have a writing epiphany can be orgasmic in their own way.

The 5/22 issue of The Chronicle has what I think is a great article titled "Did You Publish Today" that explains the rhythms of an academic life for those on the outside. An excerpt from this piece pasted below really capture the essence of what I'm trying to say:

"When I first started running competitively, each time I told my brother that I had run a race, he would ask me the same question, "Did you win?" It diminished any achievement I may have felt -- a personal best, feeling good the whole time, having a great day. Perhaps the fact that he thought I was fast enough to win the Boston Marathon meant that he really loves and believes in me. But it also meant that the months of hard work I did training for the race were made invisible by the way he had framed the question. This column, I'm sure you realize, dear fellow academics, is not for you. You don't need me to tell you that when you're working it can sometimes look to the rest of the world like you're curled up in front of the fire petting the cat. This column is ....for the people who believe that academics have the summers off, for those who argue that we have cushy jobs because we have to teach only a few classes a week for a couple of hours at a time, and for those who think that reading books isn't work. This column is for those who think that getting published is as easy as winning the Boston Marathon."

So for all those people who have asked me why I'm still not done here are some responses based on the year of the PhD I was in then:

Years 1,2,&3: Oh come on! Even an undergraduate degree takes 4 years.
Years 4,5, &6: Contrary to popular belief I can't really whip this out of my posterior.
Summer of year 6: I see the finish line...but not I'm not done "yet"!

Quiz-Blogging

2008-05-17T14:03:00.001-04:00

It's been a while since I felt like posting something without making a *real* effort to think or feel. In other words, it's quiz time again:

Your Personality at 35,000 Says...

Deep down, you vastly prefer being with others to being alone. You love to engage people in conversation.

You are good with your place in the world. You are confident and comfortable with who you are.

Your gift is dreaming and imagining. You can take yourself to another world anytime you feel like it.

You are inspired by challenges. If something is hard to accomplish, you want to do it.

You are happy as long as you are given some personal space. It's important for you to have your own private life.

The Personality Test at 35,000 Feet

Unwelcome Priying or I detest dinners with the extended family/family friends circle

2008-05-12T23:55:00.004-04:00

If you were to ask me tonight, I'd rather be asked when I'm going to finish my dissertation as opposed to when I'm going to get married. Why? Lots of reasons of which the most obvious is that I don't believe you can control finding love whereas dissertating is relatively easier to plan to finish. I also think random strangers asking me about my dissertation isn't inappropriate but asking me when I'm going to get married is really something very private. That I'm working on my dissertation makes questions about it legitimate. Whether or not I'm in a relationship is also something that doesn't quite make the BBC headlines. Even if I were in a serious committed relationship, the mother-in-law of a family friend's son asking that question fairly aggressively and proceeding to tell me how the PhDing is a frivolous luxury (umm need I even say anything?) whereas marriage is "critically important" is uncalled for.

Yes I would like to get married. No, not to just anyone but to someone whom I love dearly and would work through any issues and problems to stay together because I don't want to imagine a life without him - and vice versa. In other words, I have no earthly desire to get married for the sake of getting married. When I get married it's going to be for the aforementioned reasons. So far I haven't quite met "The One". Not as in "The Perfect One" but "The One" where the imperfections and idiosyncracies don't serve as an excuse to run away but are all part of wanting to stay.

I don't know why the fuck people, especially those of Pakistani origin, can't let it go until a woman is married. If a man in his 30s is single the narrative is very different when compared to the woman of the same age. The man is sowing his wild oats. The woman is picky and past her "shelf life". So the goal is to get married at/by a particular age. To anyone who is single. That's really all the matters. You get married and you make it work by hook or by crook. Perhaps that works for some people. I'd really rather not.

Why is it only when I can get the three letters "Mrs" attached to my name that people will think I did what I was put on this earth for? Apparently the three letters "PhD" mean jackshit. And that really pisses the fuck out of me. Yes the opinions of these mentally deranged individuals shouldn't matter but it's an attitude that's fairly pervasive and it happens to make its presence known on my path with an increasing frequency that I do not have much patience for.

Again, I'm not at all anti-marriage. I don't know why "32 and single/never been married" is looked upon as an evil deviance. Doesn't it matter that I'm doing things with my life? My father has this theory about this obsession with marriage for the sake of marriage amongst Pakistanis. Long story short, when women enter puberty they're perceived as hyper-sexed and the need to get them married lest they commit any transgressions is urgent. I used to tell him he was being too cynical but given the kinds of ridiculous crap that distant acquaintances have put forth in suggesting to me that I'm basically at red alert on the whole marriage front leads me to think he might be on to something.

So let me get a few things straight here:
1. I'm a very happy, well-adjusted (for the most part ;-)!) single woman in her early 30s. Knock on wood! I don't need a man to make me happy but I would like to share certain things with a significant other and look forward to doing that when I find that person. Still, my life is hardly on pause.
2. I do not hate men or the idea of marriage. Far from it...I believe deeply in love and in the institution of marriage. I think Paul and Jamie Buchman from the sitcom "Mad About You" have the kind of marriage I'd love to be in. Easygoing, supportive, very little melodrama, happy banter, committed 100% to loving the other with every fibre of one's being, and comfortable with being in-progress. I like the marriage that I think my parents seem to have (Mashallah, touchwood) i.e. the bestest of friends who have made whoopee and whose love, respect, and care for each other is unmatched (again Mashallah).
3. I also believe firmly that you meet the one you're destined to be with when you're both ready. I can't understand why people who claim to be very religious Muslims don't process that too well. I mean aren't you supposed to have faith in God or some kind of higher, divine power? So get over the idea that if a woman is single it's because she's doing something wrong or is too picky or commitment phobic or uninterested in being a wife and a mother if that's not all she's doing.
4. No I'm not waiting for Prince Charming to arrive or under the delusion that Prince Charming will arrive magically on my doorstep. I'm open to love but I can't make every freakin' breathing moment about it. Like I said my life isn't on pause (knock on wood again).
5. And please do not bother introducing me to a "nice, single boy". No it's not that I prefer mine naughty and married (although the former is welcome ;-)!). It's just that I don't think that's the only basis for playing matchmaker.
6. I can't get married only because I think it's time or because I feel like my biological clock is ticking. I have friends who have done that in the past and I can see how miserable they are. I really would much rather not wake up feeling that way every morning.
7. Women do not have a shelf-life. Learn to treat them with respect and dignity.

So distant acquaintances who don't even know what color I like let alone me as a person - please butt the fuck out. If you must ask me a question despite us having nothing in common, let's discuss the erratic weather patterns of the last couple of weeks. Or what the Chinese are up to? Or if I watched "The Big Bang Theory" tonight. Although to be honest, if our paths have to cross let's just keep it to superficial pleasantries and move on. I don't particularly like you, you don't approve of me and feel like you have to preach absurdities at me if you do speak to me, and I really detest our interaction as I'm sure you must so why don't we save us both some trouble.

A Dissertation Prayer

2008-05-08T10:47:00.002-04:00

O Ye God of Dissertating Goodness! Please be thou kind enough to stop messing with me dissertating momentum. I plead with thee to grant me no (melo?)drama from "The Loved Ones" on every day 2 or day 3 following a serious commitment to finish the last couple of Dissertating Hurdles successfully. Particularly when I have a meticulously detailed plan for completion.

I thank you for your time - please be kind enough to give me back mine.

Optimistically yours,
Bionic-Woman

Bewildering & Unsettling

2008-05-07T10:41:00.008-04:00

Since 2008 began, particularly this past month, several friends and acquaintances of mine from the world of academia have ended up either seriously contemplating a departure from academia or actually exiting. The stages they're in range from "almost ABD" to "tenured and sick of it". I am told by "them" that this isn't surprising given the attrition rate in social science Ph.D. programs. I have, however, no official stats on tenured professors deciding they've had just about more than they can take.

Cut to any of the critical points in the academic cycle i.e. completed coursework to ABD, ABD to PhD, Ph.D to tenure-track positions (often punctuated by postdocs and horribly underpaid adjuncting gigs), tenure-track to tenured (where the horrors of the process might favor the mediocre rather than the wonderfully accomplished), and so on and so forth.

That's when it seems to change perhaps - or is changing of late?

Of all the people I've spoken to are brilliant minds (no-one else really opts to pursue a PhD so that isn't at all surprising) and hardworking, dedicated souls and stellar scholars. The reasons I've heard have more to do with extenuating life circumstances. For example, the "almost ABD" who can no longer continue the program because his/her committee members failed to read his/her proposal when s/he submitted it a semester ago and s/he has no way of funding himself/herself through this process because of visa issues. The "ABD to PhD" who can't really rely on adjuncting to pay the bills while continuing to work on the dissertation. The "almost PhD" who has worked hard but languished in the program because of inaccessible/unsupportive committee members. The "tenure-track Ph.D" who is freaking out because she's having a particularly difficult pregnancy while her due date falls right bang in the middle of the fall semester and it seems that her employer is uninterested in pausing the tenure clock let alone work with her in case she can't be up and about in 2 weeks time after she has the baby. The "tenured Ph.D" who, for the last 16 years, has lived far away from family and is simply sick of being unable to have a regular family life. Or the "tenured Ph.D." who feels completely frazzled in between the demands of teaching and parenting none of which are 9-5, Monday-Friday commitments. And the list goes on...

Maybe this will sound incredibly naive on my part but it seems strange to me that the same reasons why one wants to pursue academic life aren't, at many times, enough to keep one there. It's mind-boggling to imagine that up until the MA/MS/MBA level society rewards individuals with better pay and more flexibility in terms of things like geography and being able to bring your life into more balance at some finite point if not right away but that your prospects are relatively (quite?) dim if your terminal degree is the Ph.D. Add to that factors like the reconceptualization of students as cash-paying customers that must be satisfied lest they become disgruntled and the organization lose money, the notion that college is more a vocational/technical training grounds than a place to be educated, etc and that pretty much saps a lot of (but luckily not all) fun out of the teaching experience. Maybe it's not that grim and maybe I've lately found myself interacting within a configuration where these challenges abound for whatever reason. After all, I just finished a visiting professor gig that was probably one of the most rewarding experiences ever in lots of ways. Of course it was challenging in ways I'd never thought about either - but that's all fodder for another (forthcoming?) blogpost.

For now, I just wanted to vent about what seems to me to be a trend within the larger community of which I'm a part because I find it, as the title suggests, bewildering. Did something happen over the past couple of years that this is the conversation I'm hearing more of whereas it was previously non-existent? Something tells me that might be the case. Or, perhaps, the people I got to know in academia are at critical points in what I call the 7 year academic cycle (tenure takes about 7 years, the average time to finish a social sciences PhD in the US is about the same) where they have to make bigger decisions like whether or not pursuing the PhD fits in with the rest of their life plans or whether their tenured life in NoWhereVille, USA is something they can keep doing until death do them part.

Irrespective, that these conversations are happening is surprising to me because these are not the things anyone raises when you inform them that you're considering the pursuit of a PhD and putting yourself on the path to that most-celebrated-of-all-things-holy-in-academia AKA a tenured professorship. At that juncture, it's all about the nobility of the profession in so far that you get to create knowledge and shape young minds. We're told it's like being in school - something most aspiring PhDs have a pretty good knack of thus far. Your grad advisors tell you how you're made for research and teaching. How your mind and curiosity ought not to be wasted and how this is the only space that affords you the ability to indulge what excites you. What nobody tells you - or at least nobody told me or anyone I know/know of - that there are all of these other things that perhaps ought to be part of this calculation. I'm sure these folks I've spoken to feel cheated. I would be livid if I was in their positions. Why? Because we're sold this dream of the nobility of the profession - it'd be nice if someone dialed it down a notch so that reality doesn't feel like it's biting your butt hard when the satisfaction of sitting around in seminars or at conferences connecting with and being challenged by brilliance is confronted by things like bills, education loan payments, moving to the boondocks far away from civilization let alone an emotional network, disciplinary boundaries you must pander to for the 14 or so years from when you start the PhD to when you get tenure presuming all of these happen without any breaks in-between, spoilt kids whom you have to indulge lest you bruise their egos and rights as cash-paying customers at the expense of creating a genuinely open learning environment, the fickleness of the world of academic employment where networks are often tie-breakers over merit, and, perhaps most importantly, everything we label as 'life outside academia.'

Nopes I'm not bitter...just unsettled by the unsavoriness of what I find around me. I think those other things that remain unspoken ought to be raised. Of course it doesn't make for very good advertising but at least it isn't false advertising. The former might mean you lose some folks but the latter avoids the disgruntledness and disillusionment that might accompany an individual's learning of the truth. Not to mention that this is a time-consuming process not only because it is lengthy but because it is emotionally draining and, often, soul-crushing. Knowing that's inevitable would leave folks better prepared to deal with a challenge. I know that I would've pursued this path because, as geeky as it sounds, I got into it given my love for learning even if someone had told me all of this but I wouldn't be feeling nearly as unsettled as I am right now.

Having said that it's back to the drawing (dissertation) board :-). Why? Not just because I see the light at the end of that tunnel but because I like what I've created.

On Cloud 9: best teaching compliment ever

2008-05-01T15:15:00.003-04:00

I haven't finished grading finals which means I also haven't read the exit papers I have students submit at the end of the semester to get an actual sense of their experience of the course as opposed to the insipidness of standardized course evaluation forms that most institutions distribute. Okay that's a bad dig. Perhaps those forms are okay but they don't really tell me much. They don't really work for me - maybe they do for others. But that isn't the point of this post.

I've been getting lovely notes from students about their experience having taken my classes. Since I'm still swamped with grading I don't quite have time to write the longer post - or perhaps series of posts - around my teaching experience this year. [I was a Visiting Professor at a prestigious private university in the Northeast area of these fine United States]. However I do want to share what I think is the best compliment of my teaching style which really is more of an unstructured seminar if we want to label it.

Color me giddy with happiness by this particular piece of praise! Why? By which I mean something other than the obvious reason that most of us, if not all, like being told how fabulous we are. When I started teaching in 1998 as part of a team-taught course that would convene as a large lecture and break up into recitation groups I knew how I wanted to teach - aka the unstructured seminar style which is how I learn best hence the desire to teach that way - but my craft was getting there. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. I didn't always know how to bring it together after letting it go. This past year I felt like I had some measure of control over my craft. I also felt like I learnt in the process. In fact, I'm quite impressed that I took the decision to significantly alter the syllabus for one of my classes a few sessions in. It was scary but I also thought I'd figured how it would work better given the configuration of the class in terms of the people and the relationships we'd begun to cultivate as part of a learning community. That this kind of praise came from someone in that very class makes it all the more sweet. Here it is - almost verbatim:

"I don't know how you did it but you let all of us contribute to the learning process. We'd start someplace, go all over, and then somehow you tied it all back together and at the end of each session we felt like we learnt stuff".

How cool is that?!

"This is one of my favorite things"...about spring that is.

2008-04-17T07:11:00.001-04:00

Breezy, warm, uplifting sunny goodness...that's spring.

One of my favorite things about spring - yellow flowers, particularly daffodils since they mark the beginning of the season in all their brightness and cheeriness. I must add that I have a particular affinity for yellow flowers any time of the year - period :-).

Although spring started last month - officially that is - it's only this week that we're enjoying spring-like temperatures. So to mark the *real* beginning of spring on this blog, a picture of the spring's first daffodils I got as a present a couple of weeks ago (thanks again Marian!).

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

2008-04-13T10:21:00.007-04:00

Or, rather, "Hair on Wednesday, Gone Thursday". I've been craving a major change and was getting bored of my look. Hence the drastic measures i.e. chopping off 9 inches of my hair.

Although I like the (relative) anonymity this blog affords me I figured a little pictorial evidence might be nice. So here are two pictures that retain the anonymity but show the change in my crowning glory as it were. The first one is of the haircut I had last winter which grew till the longest layer was down to my elbows and the shortest was about shoulder length. The second is the new 'do.

How do I feel? Like a-whole-new-bionic :-). I feel fabulous. I feel spring-like. I feel like a whole new woman.

If any of you need to mix it up, I highly recommend tending to your follicles and going for a not-so-subtle-change.

Update from the Professorial Trenches

2008-04-13T10:02:00.003-04:00

I haven't blogged again about how the "tomorrow" that had me nervous in my previous blog post panned out. My bad! Long story short, it's been trying, taxing, and draining but last Wednesday (i.e. April 9) I finally had a class session in which I was able to create some space for a through and through productive conversation with the help of the rest of the class. I'd been making an effort to steer the conversation subtly but I think Wednesday was the first time I decided to use my authority more definitively with respect to the discussion and not just enforcing rules. I have to say it felt good.

This doesn't mean that the two trouble-makers have been reformed but, rather, made painfully aware of the ridiculous unsubstantiated drivel they have been spewing venomously since mid-February. Our class is built around a specific analytical framework which neither of those two have attempted to read, much less understand. Granted they joined the class late but making up the material they missed was their responsibility as I clarified explicitly. One of the students tends to respond better one-on-one during office hours and the subsequent class sees him performing better. The other one continues to miss making appointments, hasn't submitted anything, and is clearly failing the course. I've also just been informed by one of the Associate Deans that both students are 'problem cases' in that other professors on campus have had similar issues with them. Although that makes me feel somewhat better, part of me wishes that I'd known this in advance in order to have adjusted my pedagogical strategies much more quickly and perhaps even more pro-actively.

But back to last Wedneday. Students came to see me during my office hours to let me know how grateful they were for what I did during that class. Of course, my intervention was only possible in the larger context of previous ones but this one felt final. That the students who had, over the weeks, shied away from the conversation with the exception of making remarks here and there now became actively involved feels like a triumph. This is not to say I'm the only one responsible but I did try to actively engineer that and I'm glad it worked.

Am I feeling less despondent? You bet. For those of you who e-mailed, called, or shared their comments - that was certainly enough to make me feel cheery and cared for. Thanks muchly for sharing your thought as well as for your support and concern.

[PS: "You know who" - a blog post is forthcoming in response to your comments on my previous blog-post]

The festeringly ugly, the heart-warming good, and the making-me-giddy-with-excitement best: my tomorrow in a nutshell

2008-04-01T23:29:00.005-04:00

It's students and papers like this that are continuing to sap my energy. How's that for an opening sentence? I'd rant but I really need to go to sleep to wake up bright and early tomorrow morning. For now, the short version is that I have 2 horribly racist kids in my morning class on religion in contemporary global politics. That they're disruptive makes this particularly problematic. We've had a verbal explosion in class and students have complained about their behavior. I've tried to tackle it and the class discussions seem to be working better now that I've explicitly addressed their disruptive behavior after repeated attempts of steering them subtly. Of course, although I loathe pessimism, I'm being realistic when I say that this is no guarantee that this will stick. Their written work, on the other hand, continues to be ranty rather than analytical. That they continue to be in denial about this is making this all the more challenging in terms of dealing with them. Am I up to the challenge? Yes - and I also don't think I have a choice so I guess I'm not up to it because I'm dedicated or committed but because I'm trying to conduct myself professionally. Am I dreading tomorrow? Yes - because I've returned everything with feedback and these kids are going to be disgruntled. One of them has already made an appointment to come and see me. That both of them have a tendency to get loud and agitated means I'm really not looking forward to this. One of my colleagues asked if I've been feeling fearful for my safety. I didn't know how to answer that one. I think I'll be okay but I am somewhat fearful given the kinds of opinions these students have expressed and their general behavior. I am literally counting days till the semester is over and I'm done with my present teaching commitment. It's been the most bizarre mix of the best and worst students I've encountered since I started teaching in 1999. I've handled difficult students before but it's an entirely different ballgame when they spout venomous hatred for your kind repeatedly by which I mean in terms of faith, gender, and age.

As much as I detest grading for being so time-consuming, one of the things that frustrates me most about the academic life is that some students aren't there to learn and it's hard not to take it personally when you put in so much effort to help their learning process. I think it's easier to deal with if they're sitting there tuned out but not so much if the manner in which they engage is inappropriate and unproductive.

So I'm apprehensive about tomorrow. Particularly, 11 am - 2 pm is going to be nerve-wracking and frustrating...color me despondent about this :-(. Although my afternoon class is fantastic so I guess the day will get better.
The great news that has me genuinely excited about tomorrow: my grandparents are flying in from Pakistan and I can't wait to see them.

Of Spring-cleaning & Festivities

2008-03-22T14:37:00.006-04:00

It's been a while since I shared a quote. I thought this one was particularly apropos as we step into spring since this season is always associated with bringing in the new and starting new cycles:

"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading." Lao-Tzu

Here's to sun, warmer weather, breezy days, and to new cycles that bring you and yours joy and happiness.

And while I'm here, I'm think it's worth mentioning that Eid-e-Milad-un-Nabi, Easter, Holi, and Nauroze all fell around the same time this week. Even if it sounds corny or silly, I love it when holidays observed by different faiths happen to be on or around the same dates. Peace and celebrations to all!

Wedding Bells Are Ringing

2008-03-21T08:25:00.002-04:00

Since Asad has yet to announce the news himself on this blog I'm going to take the liberty of doing so myself. His nuptials are this week-end. Here's wishing Asad and "The Mrs" happy coupledom full of love, laughter, happiness, and everything wonderful.

And yes, you must name your firstborn daughter after moi!

Cheers!

Sex/Gender = Female

2008-03-08T00:52:00.003-05:00

Spammers of the world, listen up! I am Bionic Woman. There are times when my 'bionic' is broken. But the 'woman' bit remains consistent. [There are others who will attest to this fact if you need the proof.] So quit sending me e-mails about enlarging body parts I do not possess or about medications that will make me last all night because I certainly don't need external help in that department...not yet anyway. If Amazon can figure out that I must receive chick lit recommendations then you can surely set up some kind of filter so that yoou actually hit your target audience. It just makes good business sense especially if you're earning ad revenue from clicks on your website.

Hmm I wonder why there aren't any enhancing drugs of a similar kind for women? Yes I'm familiar with implants as a concept but why is it that men can pop a pill and women have to go through surgery?

Hmm if I was ever going to be your typical feminist I think this would be the issue that sparks it.

If only there was a pill...

2008-03-07T14:06:00.002-05:00

If you're writing or have ever written a dissertation you might find this particularly funny.

A Quiz & A Dissertating Thought

2008-03-06T18:49:00.005-05:00

It's been a while since I did one of those fun, short, silly online quizzes that always make me feel they'll tell me something I didn't quite know about myself or had thought about consciously. Who am I kidding? It's a fun way to kill time at the laptop while taking a dissertating break. Why don't I just get up and walk away? Umm...trust me when I say it's tough to want to ABC it (ABC = Apply Butt to Chair) willingly most of the time. I can stay there and get myself going on the writing but it's the getting there part that is always the toughest. Now that little tid-bit makes this post officially about dissertating as well. The one stone, two birds thing never happened to me before.

Here's the quiz with my results...given that I've been considering getting a layered bob and doing away with my 70s meets 2000s do this is a tad spooky:

Your Ideal Hairstyle:

Layered Bob

What Women's Hairstyle Is Right For You?

Now I need to go get a little more writing in before calling it a day.

A letter to "The World"

2008-03-04T11:15:00.006-05:00

Dear World:

No I am not ignoring you or your calls or e-mails. Nor do I have any particular desire to metamorphose into a loner. I don't hate you either. I am simply trying to finish my dissertation while teaching a full course load with 2 new preps and keeping my sanity more or less in tact. I'd like to get enough sleep to allow me to do these things.

The only thing I can just about manage, albeit badly, is carving out some time for loved ones and friends who I'm close to. And I do that because I want them to know that I really care and, to be honest, I need to be engaged in those relationships because they something to me for various reasons in their various ways.

I don't mean to sound condescending or snobby - even though it will likely come across that way - but here are a few don'ts: If you're calling to complain about your maid not showing up, do yourself a favor and call someone else. If you're calling to complain about your husband, I've never been married so anything I say is probably more hypothetical than experiential. To be honest, I'd suggest sorting things out with your husband rather than whining to the entire world because that stuff ought to be between the two people concerned IMHO. If you're calling to bitch about how unfair the world is and will always be, do us both a favor and knock on another door - even after I'm done with this dissertation because I really have no patience or sympathy for people who find a problem for every I&%#@ solution. If you're a stay-at-home-mom, try spending some time with the kids - actual time where you do something with them instead of barking instructions at them...they're humans and they need you to nurture them so that they can grow up to be well-rounded, secure adults. If your job involves entering data mindlessly allowing you to talk on the phone while you're at work, please don't assume I can afford to do the same. I actually need to be able to use my brains and be able to give undivided attention to the thing I'm working on. If I tell you I'll call you back in 4-6 weeks I'm not trying to suggest that I'm more important or busy than everyone else on this planet - I physically do not have the time or energy to be able to do so before then without completely ruining the juggling act I'm managing right now. There are certain things on my life list right now and people that need to be numero uno as far as prioritizing is concerned.

A special thanks to those of the 'world' who continue to show their love and support while I remain at my bitchiest - I continue to be tempted to spend more time with you and be there for you. Suffice it to say this whole delayed gratification thing sucks. (Parents and Z: this one is especially for you folks :-)!) I'm looking forward to reconnecting with you in much more meaningful ways in a few weeks. Please weather the current grunts in place of real communication and what I think are probably abrupt conversations and perhaps a modus operandi that is not-as-thoughtful - I love you all dearly and don't want to come out at the other end of this tunnel without all of you still very much a part of my life. I promise to be a better daughter/friend/colleague/human who is back to her happy, fun, cheery self in 6-8 weeks. In the meantime, if you really need me to be there, please holler loudly - I don't want to bail on you. Also know that my pathetic attempts at staying connected during this period are there because you matter and I care deeply about you.

Ciao for now!
Bionic-Woman

The Academic Zodiac

2008-03-03T09:24:00.002-05:00

Today's issue of the Chronicle includes a hilarious take on the odd fortunes of academic life. Although I have yet to officially go on the "job market" it's becoming painfully clear that luck has more to do with these things than merit. This is not to say that idiots and morons are what the pool is made of. Hardly. But that most (if not all) folks with a Ph.D. have proven that they're incredibly smart and that they can be disciplined enough to become academics. So the article suggests that given the emphasis on 'luck' we might as well bypass the career services office and, instead, look to astrology. Not sure why one would go to the zodiac if 'luck' is what we're talking about but I'm not here to overanalyze - at least not this time ;-). Here's my academic-career-scope;if you'd like to see yours click on the title link of this post:

Capricorn: (December 23-January 20) You are a bundle of contradictions: ambitious and aggressive, but also cautious and reserved. You have intellectual talents within a somewhat narrow range. You are good at accumulating small details and identifying patterns that fit established theories. You are sometimes insensitive to the feelings of others. You want a place at the top, and you are willing to delay gratification for years and years, focusing on the future when countless opportunities will be available to you. Sometimes you are overly credulous. You place great value on being connected to high-status institutions. You should obviously continue your studies in English or history, fields that will soon have many openings. If that doesn't work out, consider one of many alternative careers as a famous screenwriter, highly paid management consultant, medical-test subject, or personal assistant to Stanley Fish. (Thomas H. Benton, The Chronicle, March 3, 2008).

Pondering...a tad cryptically

2008-02-22T10:46:00.007-05:00

What do you do when you realize something that you thought would make you happy doesn't anymore (it did once upon a time)? The easy answer: you figure out what would make you happy - by which I really mean more content - and readjust. The difficult answer or "easier said than done": sure, but it's scary when that thing has defined and shaped your life in important ways. The silver lining because I'm a big fan of those: I'm convinced that the 'something' has a place in my life - just not the one I have been thinking it would. So, still a readjustment which can be scary (in the sense that there can be fear of the unknown and I'm not a big fan of uncertainty even though I tend to smile through it and try my best to find the 'me' that can try to thrive on adventure) when the stakes are this high but then again I'd rather tweak this path now because 7 years down the road would be Godzilla scary.

Nopes it's not exactly like a crisis even though it might sound a little like it but more a general wonderment....

Why blog about it given that I'm a bigger believer in talking through stuff with people I love and respect? Because I've been sick all this past week including laryngitis - although I have my voice back as of this morning the whole "going into coughing fits" thing doesn't really leave talking as an option.

The other challenge: trying not to think about all this because I also know that the last laps of dissertating might be making me delirious and cranky and, therefore, generally unfit to make major, life-changing decisions. Well at least not good ones anyway. Kind of like when you're so fed up with your hair because it's been a long, dreadful winter or because something major has happened (in my case, it's tended to be breaking off long-term serious relationships) and you're craving a change but don't quite know what change you'd like to see. So you show up super-adventurous (which is really a euphemism for not knowing where you're going or what you'd like except that you'd like to go elsewhere than where you are right now) and your stylist butchers your hair completely because she's either having a nervous breakdown or is just too happy to experiment on a client who let's her do whatever she wants. Lo and behold you have a bad haircut which is in my books something that is high-maintenance and needs blow-drying for it to not look like it sucks completely.

In other words, I'm trying really hard not to get another bad haircut - literally and metaphorically. This is especially tough when you're the kind of person who likes to resolve things and bring life back into what feels like balance, harmony, and all that jazz. If I can make it through the next few weeks without obsessing to the point of distraction and indulging my own need to engage in spontaneity and impulsiveness every now and then, I'll be proud of myself. This is not to say that spontaneity is overrated - just that I need a little less clutter to be able to listen to my own gut because I truly believe in that whole instinct as the nose of the mind thing.

I think I'll be doing a lot of breathing to help me resist.

The Dissertating Life

2008-02-19T09:52:00.003-05:00

I can think of a billion other things that I could have posted about - well okay, really I mean 3. Specifically, rants (which are connected to dissertating and being a women who, while dissertating, has an unplanned week-end encounter with family friends who just &*^%&^ don't get it), raves (awesome shoes on sale, Jodhaa Akbar - which, for the uninitiated, is the latest Bollywood flick out this week-end), and *stuff* (perhaps the elections in Pakistan but I'll leave that one for Asad to chime in on).

But right now, at this very moment, all I'm thinking about is this: the everyday life of a dissertator on days when one doesn't have teaching commitments. And it goes something like this.

Wake up. Plan to dissertate. Eat breakfast. Workout. Continue planning to dissertate. Even dissertate! However, all that time keep thinking about other stuff that would be more fun to do. Some of it might even be work-related, perhaps even another writing project (which is really "projects" in my case). Plan all of those things one would rather be doing as reward when X amount of writing is finished. Of course X is an unrealistic estimate but continue to think that it'll serve as motivation to get more done by prompting oneself to officially kick one's butt into gear. Not do what one planned to do - or not enough of it. Feel resentful because the other stuff wasn't done that would have been more fun - but of course it wasn't deserved, well or otherwise - because the dissertation didn't get as much attention as it ought to have. Day ends. Start anew with the (mistaken and surprisingly naive?) commitment for the next day to be different.

And somehow in the midst of many days like this it does eventually get done. Speaking of which, back to 'it'!

Super Tuesday

2008-02-05T13:48:00.000-05:00

Here it is! If you're a US citizen and reside in a state that is holding primaries today I urge you to go out and vote. I'm planning on casting my vote in the next hour or so.

I'll be the first to admit that I didn't know until recently whom to vote for. That's probably why I haven't been as active in this election as I was with the last presidential race. Last time, while the Democrats duked it out, I knew I wanted to go with John Kerry - and I did. This time has been markedly different for me. All I knew was that I wanted to vote - there's something about it that I love with the kind of childish hope and faith that I think participating in a democracy ought to be about. The belief and feeling that one has a role to play in one's political future does feel powerful and encouraging. Yes I recognize that I'm just one vote - but a few "one votes" can be critical as we've seen in recent elections. I'll admit that I really became more of an Edwards supporter over the last couple of months and wish he'd stayed through Super Tuesday to see how things transpired. But he probably made that decision because he believed it was the better one. I've never been a big fan of Senator Hillary Clinton - one part of me wanted to support her because it'd be nice to see a woman be president. But that's not what this should be about - or so I happen to think. I've been in angst about this but watching the debates over the last few weeks I've decided that I'm more committed to what Obama has to offer. I also agree that it's about time that politicking changed a bit - we're in desperate need of new blood and a fresh perspective. Also, Obama seems less like he's running for office (which is what Sen. Clinton seems to be doing all the time) and more like he's passionate and inspired from the heart and from the gut.

I'll post more some other time about the reasons why we gravitate towards calling someone (an actor, a presidential candidate, a significant other, a teacher, what have you) or something (a film, a TV show, a restaurant, you name it) "the best" and what arguing about this "best" is all about.

For now, I better complete my work so I can get to the polling booth before it gets crowded.

Happy Voting all!

Vacations for Academics: I'm so on board!

2008-01-24T16:08:00.000-05:00

Folks I know who work outside of academia are often envious at the thought that I supposedly have a 3 months long summer break and a month off during winter. Ummm...break? What's that like exactly? Conventionally defined these are periods of time in which you get to take time off from work and simply breathe. For us academics, it seems to be periods of time when teaching obligations wane so that you rush to get the next article/book/research project completed while you don't have to show up to teach. Not that it isn't fascinating to be able to tap into your creativity to produce research but when exactly does one get to live their life without being consumed by student e-mails, lecture preps, conferences, meetings, grading, reading, and writing? Linked above (to the title) is an article from today's Chronicle by Mary Werner. I'm not sure if the author suggests this in jest but I sure like the idea of having someone cover my class or assigning some research work or having my students watch a film while I'm away - not because I'm ill or because I have professional obligations that conflict with my class times but because I'm taking an actual vacation. Kind of like the way it works outside academia where people who work take time off to go away without their work lives falling apart.

Of inspirations and perhaps even something like momentum

2008-01-22T19:30:00.000-05:00

So between the 3 blog posts from today and, more importantly, finishing a (read: another and potentially final) draft of the introduction to the dissertation that I wrote and then revised all in one afternoon I'm feeling like "The Productive Writer /Dissertator That Could". Thanks are due here especially to Naeem for his comments on the previous post that gave me that "itching-to-write" feeling. I feel like I can write more...not right now perhaps because I have also prepared 2 lectures for my classes tomorrow and I think I've earned the right to take a break. Well I would've taken one irrespective but this way there isn't any guilt involved.

But I digress. What I wanted to say was that today was the first day in a l-o-n-g while that writing/dissertating didn't feel painful to the point of questioning why I was in this to begin with. So, yay :-)! I want to say that I think this might have its own momentum - well at least potentially - but I won't go so far only because my Mondays and Wednesdays are hijacked by "professoring". Although I want to try and sneak something in - just the feeling is nice enough. Especially since I get to move on to the next chapter. Plus I think sticking to breaking up dissertating into a small manageable task and using the comments I received from a friend to edit the version of the intro I finished earlier in the afternoon even though I really wanted to take a break feels darn good right now. That one of my committee members described what I finished today as "enticing" is of course icing on the cake :-).

I think it's true what they say and what the author Madeleine L'Engle has summarized beautifully. To quote her, "Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it." Writing and rewriting the intro helped lend clarity to the overall argument of the dissertation - I've been visualizing my argument that way for a couple of weeks now but just hadn't really written it all out. Which means that I kept opening new files (Word and iPod Voice Memos) without completing thoughts all the way through. This time I didn't let myself stop - and I think that happened because there were other folks involved in the process as I mentioned above. So what was somewhat fuzzy suddenly became clear - precisely because I kept working at it.

So, momentum does and can work...now let's hope I can keep at it for a while longer especially since I'll be traveling Friday and Saturday. In other words, the timetable is ambitious but so am I :-). Stay tuned for updates.

4 Dissertating Roadblocks

2008-01-22T11:56:00.000-05:00

As far as I can tell, I run, rather than walk, to the nearest exit when I find myself in one of these 4 situations while dissertating:

1. Is there a "big picture"?: I know there is one but I have no clue how to put the individual pieces together so that the picture looks like I actually connected all the dots.

2. Data-mining: I know what I want to say. I know that I have "data" that helps me say it. But (you knew there was one right?) the sheer thought of going through it all to get it back in pristine form such that all the dots connect (see #1 above) seems like more than I can handle. And no, the thought of doing it bit by bit doesn't help. Why? See #3 below.

3. Me, myself and who?: When I sit down I feel like I must accomplish it all. I'm not sure why that is but I suspect that the fear of not being able to come back. For me sitting down to start is definitely the harder task because I need for there to be pin drop silence and complete peace and quiet when I write or else I lose my thoughts. What's the problem here you ask? Well I actually enjoy being around people and the solitude that I require to write well is clearly depressing. One-off situations are fine but dissertating requires regular and extended periods of these.

4. The Balancing Act: there are some ideas that I can only express in long-winded fashion. I fear I don't know how to zip them. Others I don't know how to unzip; I can only express them in compact form. I suspect this has something to do with the fact that I live in my own brain. I know how I got there and I'm usually rushing to make the point without realizing that sometimes people have to be walked through the idea. [Relevant aside: I think I have this problem while presenting at conferences and in teaching as well. Primarily because I find the pace of academia too rushed at times...well not academia in general but the academic configurations I often happen to occupy. Most folks are able to speak in convincing soundbytes. Here my British training comes into play. I'd like to dwell for a while. I need percolation. I can't always figure it out "in the moment". I need time to process. Unfortunately, things don't always work this way.] Either way, the packing and unpacking is tedious. It would be nice to strike the right balance in the first try some of the time at least.

I suspect some or all of these strike a chord non-dissertators as well. Anyone in the blogosphere want to commiserate or, better yet, perhaps offer suggestions?

Umm...age also lies in the eyes of the beholder?

2008-01-22T08:50:00.000-05:00

This academic year (2007-2008) I have a visiting professor gig at what would be safe to label "Dream University"....the students and colleagues are both as close as one could possibly get to having one's "wish-list" met. The spring semester started last week so we're currently in the second week of classes at this point. There are still some students for whom this week will be the first time they go to a class since they were in the process of figuring out their schedules.[Relevant aside: I hate it when students join past the first class for the only reason that by the second class we've gotten down to business. Of course there isn't a familiar rhythm just yet but they end up missing the "this is the analytic we're working with" spiel which means they're going to be somewhat lost for a while which will then influence the "discussion" which is particularly critical this time round since both my classes are seminars rather than lectures.]

In my morning class (I'm teaching 2 new preps this semester), I had 2 newbies walk in for the first time. Usually, I walk in right when class is beginning or a couple of minutes later. However, yesterday I had a DVD to set up for us to watch in class so I arrived early. There were a few students in there already so we started chatting about lots of different stuff. Enter NewKid#1 - he looks completely unsure if he's in the right place. We confirm that he is. He takes a seat. As I'm talking to the students, it's pretty obvious he realizes only then that I'm the professor. Umm I thought it was kind of obvious perhaps even self-evident. Oh well. We start class and NewKid#2 walks in as one of the students is in the midst of making a comment. NewKid#2 looks like he's just woken up and walked straight to class - not that I am being judgmental :-). But he looks clearly dazed. He doesn't know whom to offer an explanation to about his coming to this class for the first time. He's scanning the room and I'm thinking to myself, "You have to be kidding me! Come on! I'm the only one dressed formally. Crack the code already". The students are looking at me holding back the urge to snicker. Finally I break the silence (read: his confusion).

When I first started teaching a class independently I was 23 years old. The confusion at that point is understandable. But I'm 32 now! One would think the age difference is substantive enough for a student to figure out that I'm the "head honcho" as it were in that configuration. Between wearing glasses and dressing formally I would have thought this wouldn't be a problem. Maybe I need to find some "old lady frames" like I did when I first started teaching - they didn't help much back then but I'm thinking now would be different. I think it's easier for young male professors - they can grow a beard as I know some folks who have. Nopes I don't want to grow a beard (!) but there's got to be some kind of other marker that younger female faculty members can adopt to avoid being mistaken for a student. I wonder if gender perceptions have something to do with this? Why do I say this? Because I don't think younger male faculty members run into the same problem as much as women do - at least the ones I've met.

Most people tell me I should be flattered that people still mistake me for a student. But an undergrad? Seriously?! I'm pretty sure I don't look that young - or so I think. I think I'll be flattered if this happens when I'm 45. For now, not so much.

Ode to "The Fab Squad"

2008-01-18T18:52:00.000-05:00

Nopes that isn't a remake of something from the 70s or 80s (although between the "squad" reference and the pseudonym under which I blog I don't blame any of you if the thought did cross your mind).

"The Fab Squad" includes two amazing women whom I've gotten to know in the last few years and who have become very dear friends of mine, Mi & Fr, and yours truly of course. What's "The Fab Squad" about?

Well, first I'm going to giggle because whilst growing up my better friends - as in people whom I loved unconditionally and trusted with my being - have always been men. Not exclusively necessarily, but primarily for sure. Over the last 5-10 years, however, I've gotten to know some amazing women whose brilliance and kindness always touches me. So it's kind of nice that I get to play "girlie girl" with ladies who I'm glad are my friends. Not that I was ever a tomboy - so far from it that we're talking about potentially discovering a whole other universe. But I always got along better with men - although that's food for another post.

So "The Fab Squad".

It all started last month when we read an article in the New York Times about embracing life as single women sans the resignation or merely as something to do until Prince Charming comes along. We labeled 2008 as the year that we celebrate our thirty-something fabulousness...and so "The Fab Squad" wasn't a far stretch from that. Well, not for us anyway :-).

Hopefully Mi & Fr will also chime in here....but here's my $0.03 on my own singlehood:

I think being single would bother me if I'd never been in a relationship in my life. That's thankfully taken care of! It's not that I don't care about meeting "The One" or that it's a non-thought. Hardly. But I refuse to let it become the bane of my existence. Does that make me strong? I don't know. All I know is that I'm unwilling to settle. By the by, I hate the phrase "settle down". I loathe it with a passion. It just implies like I'm resigning myself to a life that has no potential to become the "all" I want. Kind of like an opened bottle of Coke that's been sitting out overnight - it's Coke, but no fizz. And I want 'fizz'. Lots and lots of it. I want the bubbles to tickle my nose...anyone remember that tag-line from the old "Bubble-Up" commercials in Pakistan? As usual I digress.

I'm happy with my life (Mashallah, Knock on wood, Touchwood....am I missing anything? Hmm there's even a picture of garlic in the post prior to this one so I guess that takes care of warding away all evil ;-)!] But I do want the package - and there are days I do feel afraid that I won't get it....you know what I mean...the continued presence of loved ones I have now in my life, the husband, kids, the home that's my domain, a career in which I remain inspired to create and think no matter what I'm doing more specifically. A friend asked me the other day if I'd ever thought that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. As practical as it might have been as a question, I thought "Huh? What do you mean? Never." Honestly, I guess that's always a possibility and on my worst days I sometimes even wonder that it'll be that way. But I don't want it to be. And I firmly believe both in destiny and in being able to make things happen - and if a companion to love and be loved by is what I want then I will (Inshallah) get.

I was thinking the other day what's on my wishlist for 2008. Among lots of other things all of which have to do with living a balanced existence, I want to be able to love fearlessly again. Not that I'm paranoid or hesitant or unexpressive - just lately I seem to have had horrendous luck with men which has affected perhaps my modus operandi somewhat. Finding "The One" would be nice....I'm really more "Relationship Girl" than "Dating Girl". The Next One doesn't have to be "The One" per se but I refuse to put myself in the kind of dysfunctional relationship I've been in the last two times round. He's got to be good enough to be "The One" irrespective of where we end up. I guess what I'm trying to say but fumbling while trying to get there is that I think I'm in a place where I'm open to love again. Love that is enjoyable and delicious....heck even all-consuming and overwhelming in the way that it is when you meet someone who makes you feel deliriously happy...the kind when you're truly content in the moment in which you find yourself.

In the meantime, I'm stuck on "play"...no pauses for me thank you :-). Onwards, fellow "Fab-Squad"ders....and other 30+ single women. And to "The One" wherever you are....move your butt and get here coz I'd sure like to kiss you!

Welcome 2008: the spice test

2008-01-08T12:09:00.000-05:00

Not exactly the post I'd planned to launch the new year off with but it'll have to do for now. Hope 2008 has gotten off to a great start for all and sundry...here's wishing that our loved ones and our blog-readers find everything that comforts, excites, and loves them in the new year.

Below my results for the spice test I mentioned. Not sure I like being described as stinky but the rest made me fairly happy.

Cheers all!

Your Score: Garlic

You scored 50% intoxication, 100% hotness, 75% complexity, and 50% craziness!

You are Garlic!

No offence, but you stink. Pretty much everyone loves you, though. You're smart and pretty hot and you fit in with about any culture. You're a total cut-up; in fact, the more cut-up you get, the hotter you become. But be careful, when you get embarrassed, you turn really sweet.

Link: The Which Spice Are You Test written by jodiesattva on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
View My Profile(jodiesattva)

Benazir Bhutto assassinated

2007-12-27T11:57:00.000-05:00

As I'm sure most people have heard by now, Former Prime Minister of Pakistan Benazir Bhutto was assassinated earlier today at 6:16 pm Pakistan Standard Time. When I tuned into the news this morning all that I heard was of a suicide attack at a political rally in Rawalpindi. In a matter of minutes, the news poured in that Bhutto might also have been killed. And next thing I knew she was reported to have been assassinated. Inna-Lillahe-Wa-Inna-Ilaihe-Rajiunn (For those of you who do not know what the significance of this phrase, it means "To Allah We Belong And To Him We Shall Return. It is customary in Muslim tradition to utter this phrase upon hearing of someone's death.)

I'm in shock and (surprisingly) speechless. How does one make sense of what happened merely hours ago?

I'll admit that I do not have much respect for her as a political leader, in particular her abysmal (IMHO) record on women's rights (although I wonder at times if too much was expected of her because she was a woman without much regard for her having to navigate a man's world that was predominantly conservative even chauvinistic), ethnic divisiveness, and corruption. However all of that pales in comparison to her death. This is certainly not the time to go down that path. No-one should have to endure an end like this. It is beyond appalling if you ask me.

Condolences to her family and loved ones. As I comb through the news I read reports of how this will potentially destabilize Pakistan. However, the (naive?) optimist in me wishes and prays for this to be perhaps be an eye-opener that Pakistanis will rally around in ways that bring peace and prosperity to the nation. That violence has already broken out leaves me saddened and disappointed but perhaps, just perhaps, what I envision optimistically might not be a pipe dream.

As a woman who has grown up in Pakistan, I am thankful to her for her service even if I find myself on opposite sides of the fence on multiple occasions. That she was the first elected female head of state of a Muslim nation while she balanced her personal life along with her professional commitments is certainly commendable and worthy of applause, perhaps even a standing ovation. May Mohtarma Benazir Bhutto rest in peace and may God give her loved ones the strength, courage, and patience to bear this tragic loss.

Included below are three pictures that stand out in my mind of the legacy she leaves behind: that of her as a mother, one of her taking her oath of office as she was sworn in as the Prime Minister of Pakistan making her the first female to be elected as the head of a state of a Muslim nation, and at the rally where she was later assassinated. (All of these have been uploaded via Yahoo News.)

(Images Courtesy: Yahoo News)

Holiday Greetings

2007-12-26T09:09:00.000-05:00

I/We have been incredibly remiss in sending out my/our holiday wishes on the blogosphere. To use a worn-out cliche, better late than never..yes?

Hence, in that spirit - from Asad and myself:
1. Eid Mubarak
2. Merry Christmas
3. Happy New Year (the only one in advance)

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-22T13:47:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving folks!

I love Thanksgiving as a holiday. I like how the US holiday season begins with a day that everyone in the country feels comfortable observing sans tripping over political correctness (a rant on that some other time although Asad has sort of blogged about that here).

There's a spirit of festivity, togetherness, giving thanks that I happily buy into. I think it's grown on me even more so in the last few years as I have come to think of America as home. Not so much when I moved here initially but then again change is always difficult to cope with even if it is also exciting at the same time. I like that it's a tradition that is all-encompassing - no matter color, gender, creed, or anything else to which you belong I like that it is something that all Americans can share. Even if it sounds cheesy, it reminds me of Eid in Pakistan ... a holiday that the majority observes in their own different ways with multiple traditions and rituals but we agree on the overall contours of it all. I like that it tends to veer away from liminality - in both spirit and practice.

Here's wishing everyone a fabulous and joyous holiday. May you have a lot to be thankful for and to celebrate. Bon appetit!

Emergency Rule in Pakistan: still processing

2007-11-05T09:38:00.000-05:00

When I first heard the news Saturday morning I really wanted to blog about the imposition of emergency rule in Pakistan - after making sure that everyone I knew was okay (although that's a pretty minimalist definition of okay that I'm operating with here - as in physical well-being) + getting to all the news I could to ensure that the law and order situation in the country hadn't deteriorated further. To be fair, it rarely does when the troops are out and more or less in charge - sad as that may sound that's the way it has been so far.

I never got around to blogging because in between trying to follow the news - including President Musharraf's address - and talking about it with friends I continued to realize that I'm still grappling with what happened. I didn't simply want to be another one of those voices in the blogosphere that took to a missive leaving the larger problem unexamined and unquestioned.

Right now, grading and writing seem to warrant greater immediate attention this Monday morning. That, and to be honest, I'm still processing my own thoughts.

But I did want to at least acknowledge the current goings-on here at LTLWI. Among the multiple things that I find boggling about this entire mess (which I think it is for reasons that go beyond the failure of the democratic process or obstacles to it - both of which I'm sure apply since people are talking about them but I wonder if anyone is pausing to think what it means to be democratic and applying more than the minimalistic definition of holding elections and giving the impression of a democratic process), is the continued appreciation for the role of the judiciary of the country becoming part of the protests. This is not to say that I necessarily agree with Musharraf's dismissal of the Chief Justice and imposition of emergency rule in Pakistan - presuming that the reason as "they" say was the fact that a final decision on his presidency and being "in uniform" was to be announced this week. I refuse to be that cynical because I have no way of knowing if that was indeed his motivation. [I'm usually amused and at other times hover somewhere between being livid to being unable to believe it when folks have commentary to offer on what we conventionally call politics without having access to a lot of information that would be crucial to the puzzle]. It might well be but I simply do not know. But I digress.

Back to the point I was making about the judiciary, color me seriously uncomfortable about the involvement of this body in leading protests etc. There's a great deal of jubiliation about all of this that I just can't comprehend. Even if those folks are the ones who best know the law, isn't one of the ideals involved here related to the ability of the judiciary to preside over court proceedings that might be related to all of this? Doesn't the direct involvement compromise their ability to be as impartial as possible? Granted that's an ideal and none of us can ever be truly objective. Even if the judiciary isn't involved in protests etc, the individuals are bound to have some kind of opinion. There's no way around that. But I do believe that it's messier if they're the ones at the forefront of any kind of massive political uprising and are using their office as a platform to do so.

Color me idealistic or naive, but I truly believe that as much as we want to admire these folks for the political spirit and beliefs and courage we ought to be concerned about the way in which this transforms their official role as the judiciary as well as how problematic their involvement, in its present iteration, is. I color me extremely disconcerted.

'Tis Sunday Morning

2007-10-28T09:02:00.000-04:00

I woke up early today and attempted to start working on "The Dissertation" in the morning rather than waiting till the afternoon. Take advantage of the peace and quiet in the house since nobody else is awake. I've also sprained my ankle so sitting down and doing something works out perfectly.

I just wanted to share one thought as I take a break: I seem to have fallen back in love with my dissertation which makes the whole dissertating process (read: miserable and less-than-desirable-albeit-necessary task of isolating myself from human contact for long periods of time) fun again* :-)! Umm Mashallah, knock on wood, please don't let this be jinxed, throw salt on the shoulder for good luck.]

[*This is not to say that being asocial is fun but because I'm in love with the way the argument is working out I'm definitely not resentful. In other words, color me no-longer-doing-this-begrudgingly.]

Random Saturday thought

2007-10-27T14:45:00.000-04:00

Do we ever really stand at a crossroad? Is there a genuine struggle or wonderment? Or perhaps it's our minds that are running late in terms of catching up with what our guts tell us - with what we know intuitively.

Have a super week-end all.

Breaking the silence

2007-10-17T17:04:00.000-04:00

Once again, it's been eerily quiet on the 30-30 front. Not for lack of having things to say/blog about but, rather, due to paucity of time. The latter won't be changing in the foreseeable future but I'm going to try to check in every couple of weeks if not more often.

So by way of an update, a (somewhat chronological starting with the last time I posted) numbered list of things - some random, some not-so-random, some hopefully not at all random.

1. So Pakistan lost the match I last blogged about. Silver lining: it was one of the best matches I, and possibly millions of cricket fans, have seen in a while. I'm loving Misbah-ul-Haq who really helped make the match exciting.

2. While we're still on the subject, Sopcast rocks for those of us who do not live in countries where cricket is practically a religious experience.

3. Belated greetings to our Jewish readership: L'shanah tovah & g'mar chatimah tovah.

4. Belated wishes to our Muslims readership: hope everyone had a good Ramzan (more on the spelling in a minute)and an even more fantastic Eid celebration.

5. I refuse to call it "Ramadhan". Why? The Arabic pronunciation of it feels alien to my South Asian tongue and sensibilities. [Johnny and BB will agree with me.] Hmm that is probably a longer rant that I'll indulge in one of these days.

6. No, Ramzan does not get easier the more times you fast throughout your lifetime. Heck, I think it gets worse as the month proceeds. No I'm not trying to be blasphemous. I just think it's physically exhausting especially if you happen to be living in a country where all of life doesn't slow down because of "the holy month".

7. Having said that, I do relish the spirituality of the practice. Even if I do complain when my stomach growls or when my throat feels parched.Which by the by happened plenty of times while teaching.It's tough to lecture for 1 hour 20 minutes when you can't sip on some water.

8. I love Eid. Especially when there's lots of family involved - even better when the annoying relatives aren't around. Throw in good friends and it's perfection.

9. I also like Ramzan Eid - something about not knowing whether the next day will be Eid or not feels more festive. Plus fasting to me seems more hands-on than sacrificing an animal. Again, I don't mean to sound blasphemous.

10. I detest dissertating today. Okay let me rephrase this. I loathe the isolation and repetition of this task. I can't write with people around because I'm too tempted to indulge in conversations - even with random strangers. Repetition - yes the best writing is rewriting and I seem to start exhibiting ADD-like symptoms (yes I am being hyperbolic for effect here) the more edits I have to go through or the longer I have to keep working on the same project. [And, for those of you who care to point out that I could have finished sooner let me just say very politely that if it was possible I would have. Some of it is me being unable to work faster but it's also the nature of the work - umm beast?]

On that note, I better tend to it....I'll check back at the end of this month. Until then, live, love, eat :-)

Cricket Fever

2007-09-24T07:05:00.000-04:00

The Twenty20 final between India and Pakistan begins in less than an hour! Apparently, it's been almost 8 years or so since Pakistan made it to the final of any cricket tournament - or so I've been told. And a Pakistan-India match...well nothing could top this for folks in or belonging to either of the 2 countries.

Suffice it to say, Asad and I are excited and will be glued to the match. Good luck Pakistan...or as the new mantra seems to be...chak de Pakistan!

Hopefully a celebratory post will be in order later today (Inshallah :-)!).

In the meantime, an image from All Things Pakistan that IMHO captures the essence of the importance of the game - the jubilation, patriotic jazba (passion), and the sheer junoon (madness, mania...in the sense of overwhelming passion) of it all.

Wedding shout-outs

2007-09-07T09:26:00.000-04:00

Two big shout-outs to 2 of my favorite gal pals as they tied the proverbial knots this summer: Raania & Jenny.

Love and prayers for everything good for both of you as you slip into the next stage of your lives.

Something to think about...courtesy "the past"

2007-09-05T09:17:00.000-04:00

Over the long holiday week-end, I had a heartening chat with a very old and dear friend. Okay, my first ex- to be precise. We met rather unexpectedly at a wedding. So we spent pretty much the entire affair catching up---probably because it's been years and years that we've had an actual conversation and also because we've been so out of touch that I guess we were both curious what the other one was up to.

Whatever,the reason I must admit that it felt really nice. That we could pick up the friendship we shared sans any of the bitterness that I see amongst other couples that almost got married but didn't was really encouraging. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy - happy too. Long story short, the conversation also made me realize that I've missed being able to talk to him, especially since I was feeling a bit muddled about some stuff and have always found him to be a good listener. He's one of those people that help you find your way through rather than simply telling you what one should do. So, at the end of the evening (read: late night/early morning), I found myself wishing and hoping that we could find some way to actually be friends.

So color me surprised and pleased that I got an e-mail from him this morning echoing the same thoughts. In addition to that, he sent me this quote as the "only" piece of advice he'd give me:

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." ~Confucius

I think it's a good thought. I think we all know this but perhaps forget it along the way and need to be reminded from time to time. Oh heck why generalize?! I don't know about other people but I'd forgotten this along the way and have been making myself miserable in the process. Not to mention, robotic. Having my head buried in what I "should" be doing I sort of lost sight of how that "should" isn't just a natural progression that everyone expects but that it ought to be intimately connected to what my gut thinks I should do and what makes me happy. Yes I continue to be cryptic...bear with me for a while longer because I'm not sure if I'm ready to go public while I'm still in the process of making these decisions. Rest assured, once I know where I'm landing I'll be sure to blog about it.

In the meantime, please wish me, and my heart, good luck plus courage!

Responding to violence: suicide bombings in Pakistan

2007-09-04T18:48:00.000-04:00

One of the first pieces of news I heard when I switched on the news this morning before leaving for work had to do with suicide bombings in Pakistan. Then, while I was holding my office hours I read this post at All Things Pakistan. [FYI: This post does an excellent job summarizing the event to which I'm referring plus the discussion thread is also worth checking out if you're interested.]

My first thought: which city?
A pet peeve I'm beginning to add to my (growing?) list is the way in which American news stories about the rest of the world simply specify what happened in country X without any reference to location. There are times when the geographical coordinates are more specific; more often than not the most specific one gets is "a village nearby. I guess no harm in that right? They're most likely to mention a city which the average viewer might know. Then again, after 9/11 when the name 'Afghanistan' popped up I heard a number of folks in a not-Ivy-League-but-Ivyish-enough-university in the Northeastern part of USA wonder if the country was in South America?! Nopes, I kid you not. Okay rant on "lack of geographical awareness" some other time, if at all. Coming back to where I was going with this. The nearby village might, at times, be hundreds of miles away. If not the name, I wonder if adding "a village X miles away from city Y in country Z" might be asking too much of these news broadcasts! What's my point? It's frustrating when you're trying to ascertain right there and then if your loved ones living in country Y are okay.

It appears that everyone I know is accounted for. Yes I know it's selfish. Which brings me to the thoughts that followed.

So second, third, fourth thoughts:
I wonder if I'm the proverbial Pakistani who, because of living amidst such a high degree of violence, has gotten completely desensitized to it? In some respects, I am. In others, such as when I call loved ones in Karachi to confirm that they're okay following news reports of let's say a blast somewhere within the city. Most of the time I'm the subject of much ridicule. Yes I know it generally happens in "those" areas where nobody I know lives or visits much. But still.

That's not what bothered me about the thoughts that kept popping into my head all day. I wonder - and to a large extent, worry - what this means for the prospect of change for the better. If we do become desensitized to violence - which you have to in order to live in a space-time particularity where that occurs on a daily basis -at what point and in what ways do you participate in any means to end the spiral that's spinning out of control? Are you even capable of that? A couple of years ago I was at an address delievered by President Pervez Musharraf in New York city. The audience consisted of Pakistani-American youth. When asked about the worsening law and order situation in Karachi and the lack of security he commented that Karachi was like any other city in the world. He cited a couple of South American examples to suggest that the lawlessness of Karachi gets blown out of proportion. I remember feeling offended and angry at what I would describe as his dismissive and callous response. Just because it's something that's been known to happen doesn't mean it's any less problematic or doesn't need to be addressed. It's a challenge for sure but one that needs to be confronted and tackled. No I don't want to give him the benefit of doubt of having become desensitized to it. As the head of the state, I think it's his responsibility to put the wheels in motion to take care of this problem. I do not think that an old man in his 70s being kidnapped by a bunch of thugs while he's walking from your home to a convenience store in his neighborhood for the sake of a few rupees is acceptable. The question to which I have no answer but to which I have been returning all day is can the madness stop and by what means if people learn to live with (how's that for working in the blog title!) situations they shouldn't have to? If you do become desensitized, is the lack of action part of feeling helpless or something else? Is it that you just don't know where to begin? Do you even recognize it as a problem that can be solved?

I don't have any answers to this question. But color me bothered because I don't think that everyday living should be fraught with such dangers. I don't think this is something that one should learn to live with to the extent that it becomes absorbed within your daily life....willingly, unwillingly, or out of sheer helplessness.

Spark of madness...

2007-09-01T12:08:00.000-04:00

Yes I've been gone from the blogosphere for a while. Life has been topsy-turvy - not in a bad way but overwhelming for sure. I started a new teaching position - a visiting professor gig to be precise. Between that and dissertating, I have literally had no free time.

When I have had time I've been enjoying the last few days of summer - far far away from my laptop.

Going away later today but just had a few things that I wanted to blog about. So I decided to pick one that best sums up where I'm at in life. Don't ask me why I picked that? I just did. It felt important.

I've been going through my share of angst over the last few weeks. I've been feeling somewhat restless - that's probably more precise. Somewhat uncertain. And it suddenly just hit me on Thursday - well that's when it started and I feel I can articulate it succintly now.

The spark of madness that always characterized me has been dormant for too long. I've been stagnant in some respects - which in a sense was necessary to get to where I'm at right now. [Yes I'm being cryptic I know but it's going to have to stay that way for now at least.] I didn't have time to indulge The Spark. Time shmime. Life is going to get more demanding before it starts to ease up. And so the spark is back. No more rationalizing everything. The gut gets to speak and the spark gets to guide it. Hmm not sure if they're separate...

Just in case you started wondering - nopes I wasn't down in the trenches relishing the dumps or the blues. I just have been making some decisions that are out of sync with The Spark 'o' Madness that has always been a part of who I am. And so I'm back baby - (knock on wood, touchwood, Mashallah, etc)! The spring cleaning has been done - behold what I think is a delightful combination of craziness, sparkiness, courage, and wisdom with the perfect smidge of childish innocence. I guess I am holding true to my resolution for 2007: getting rid of all baggage. Watch out world! And anyone who wishes to join me in reconnecting with The Spark- the more the merrier. Cheers :-)!

And another independence day...

2007-08-15T23:36:00.000-04:00

Happy independence day to our Indian readers and friends.

Happy Independence Day Pakistan!

2007-08-14T22:51:00.001-04:00

To all of you celebrating Pakistan's independence day, Jashn-e-Azadi Mubarak. A longer post on Pakistan's 60th is forthcoming. In the meantime, I thought I'd share one of my all-time favorite patriotic music videos. It's "Jeetain Gay" (We Will Win) by Vital Signs. There's something about the juxtaposition of the images (old, young, new, North, South, East, West) and the lyrics that I continue to find inspiring and that I connect with all things Pakistan. In particular, I love the way the newspaper clippings are interwoven with moving human beings...kind of connects the past with the present and the future IMHO. In a strange way, the song and the video continue to speak to my Pakistani-American identity. No dwelling on in-between spaces today..that's a much longer post that I'm saving for when the mood strikes me. For now, happy birthday Pakistan...and many more.

[PS: Unfortunately the video quality is pretty bad. Not to mention that it isn't subtitled. If anybody is interested, I can finish a translation and add it to this post.]

A Quasi-Post aka A Quiz

2007-08-10T14:30:00.000-04:00

So I've been absent from the blogosphere for longer than I'd anticipated. Tons going on some of which have brewed blog posts but alas, too much to do and too little time.

Rather than catch up on all of that I'm easing myself back into blogging with a quiz. Stay tuned for regular postings henceforth. And hopefully Asad will also chime in [hint! hint!].

You Are The Wheel of Fortune

You represent the cycles of life, death, and rebirth.
You embrace change, the the ups and downs of life.
Fate is something you accept, even when you could possibly change things.
Big things tend to happen to you more than other people.

Your fortune:

Something huge is about to happen in your life, and you have little control over it.
You must accept your destiny, but luckily it is good fortune that has come your way.
Big things and big changes are about to come your way.
And while things will be intense for a while, they will be followed by a period of rest.

What Tarot Card Are You?

July 20, July 21, July 22, July 23, 2007

2007-07-23T19:25:00.000-04:00

July 20: Played hookey - well not quite since I worked on course syllabi - for the most part. Follicle issues were addressed and I look different enough to stop feeling restless. Something cathartic, IMHO, about changing one's hairstyle/hairdo. Went out dancing to bid a fond farewell to a friend who will be leaving the area to move to Scotland. You will be much missed, G.

July 21: Asad and I were actually in the same space-time particularity :-)! Wonderful day was had - conversations galore and traipsing around New York.

July 22: Went away to Pennsylvania. The picnic lunch was fun. The weather contributed a great deal to that feeling. Skipped a bbq we had to go to later that night because I needed to catch my breath. Me-time was welcome...although I spent the bulk of it yacking away with one of my best childhood buds on the phone since we hadn't had a chance to catch up for a few weeks. That the lives of medical doctors mirrors that of academics in strange ways made for commiserations galore among other things.

July 23: The weather is crappy and I'm behind on deadlines. But for a change I didn't feel bad about taking time off because I knew I needed it.

So that's a fairly telegraph-inspired update from my end. I've decided to go on a 'Net hiatus for a week or so....deadlines seem to have fallen off to the wayside. 'Tis my fault and needs rectification. While blogging doesn't get in the way of dissertating, responding to e-mails surely does. So if I don't log on I won't be tempted to get everything out of the way before I can write. Hence the extended absence. I n-e-e-d to get my act together, especially since the next month is consumed by weddings, baby showers, friends + family visiting from out of town, and the list goes on.

So I'll be back online sometime next week though I remain phone-able and text-message-able...the first post will (Inshallah) be on the chapter finally finished!

July 18 & July 19, 2007

2007-07-19T19:55:00.000-04:00

So I completely forgot to post something yesterday. When I remembered it was 11:30 and I had no desire to get up from in front of the TV and log on. So this post combines yesterday's and today's dissertation edition.

July 18: 'Religion' is deployed on both sides but the terms in which it is interpreted and deployed clarify how it organizes the worlds inhabited by the agents on each side.

July 19: This strand of scholarship tells us that religion is important but ignores the scripts that actors seem to follow in claiming their actions as authentically "X". Taking the former approach we can tell that identity is important but how it matters exactly gets lost in the fray.

Two half-baked thoughts on politics and Pakistan.

2007-07-18T00:04:00.000-04:00

Well they're barely quarter-baked but I'm in no mood to make up words tonight. Actually I'm probably assembling ingredients to make something that will be baked - that's how unbaked all of this is.

Two stories caught my attention in today's (July 18, 2007) online issue of the Pakistani newspaper DAWN.

1. I wonder how Benazir can make statements about the lack of law and order under Musharraf's regime when things were equally bad on her watch -- both times round. Well I guess she can make these statements but in good conscience? Really? Well some of us might quibble over the comparison I'm making here but you get my drift....in neither of these instances is the law and order situation unproblematic.

2. I agree with Musharraf's statement about his goal to create an enlightened and moderate Pakistan. What it makes me think about though is the vision of 'Pakistan' that 'Pakistanis' have had and continue to. Without going into too much detail (only because I can't handle writing blog posts akin to academic papers or dissertation chapters right now), I'm intrigued by the ways in which 'Pakistaniat' has been articulated. To grossly oversimplify for a second, the two-nation theory which laid the foundation for the demand for Pakistan as a separate state for the Muslims of India seems to have been deployed in Pakistan in two main ways that are also, IMHO, relevant to what Musharraf had to say. First, based on my own field research for my dissertation as well as primary sources I've read, there seems to be a strong contingent of folks who insist that the notion "separate state for the Muslims" refers to having a homeland where Muslims held the reins of power thereby escaping the possibility of Hindu domination in a United India after gaining independence from the British Empire. The second strand of thought insists upon the enforcement of Sharia Law in Pakistan for it to become a truly Islamic state. It always strikes me as odd that this demand is often made by political parties that historically, in the pre-1947 era, were opposed to the very establishment of a separate state for the Muslims of India. Leaving that aside, it is also striking that there are folks who belong to this contingent agree that this wasn't how Pakistan was envisioned but that it is what it ought to have been established on the basis of i.e. a state fashioned according to Islamic ideals ala Saudi Arabia. Hmm I wonder how we might make sense of this given that one rests on interpreting Pakistaniat/Pakistan as a 'Muslim homeland' and the other as an 'Islamic state'? Are the two different? I'm clearly inclined towards saying yes. Personally speaking, most immigrants and partition survivors I have spoken with over the years often talk about Pakistan as the solution to escape domination by the Hindus...or at least that was the intent. Makes sense to me. After all, Muslims in India practice their religion too so it couldn't have been just the desire to set up an Islamic state. This is not to say that didn't become a part of it but I find it increasingly bizarre, even problematic, that the first strand of thought is largely overlooked or deemed taboo when it is articulated. Hmm I see a research project forming right here.

On that note, must go to sleep! Next post: tomorrow's (well technically today since it's 12:34 am) dissertation thought or the day's favorite sentence. Which shall it be? Stay tuned to find out :-).

July 17, 2007

2007-07-17T19:32:00.000-04:00

I hope I'm not jinxing myself by throwing this out there but I think I see an overall argument shaping up for the dissertation - one that I hadn't seen before but that now seems not only self-evident but that also holds the promise of the quintessential "the end is the beginning". In other words, heading down this path will likely provide me the option of developing the dissertation into an interesting, full-fledged dissertation project. Insert happy dance here folks! Why? I've been told on more than one occasion by professors with whom I've worked and respect a great deal that a dissertation is a piece of research that will define one's scholarly life for some years to come so the best thing to come out of all of this is a defended dissertation that raises questions to shape a book manuscript. So knock on wood, Mashallah, fingers crossed, throwing some salt over my shoulder for good luck...I think I've found my way there. Yayyyy!

July 16, 2007

2007-07-16T22:28:00.000-04:00

All better now and back to working on the dissertation project in full swing. I started with editing the chapter I was working on last week....just to get myself back into the rhythm of it all. In order to fill a gap in this draft I took a look at an earlier iteration - a pre-draft of this chapter really in that it was a class-cum-conference-paper I wrote in fall 2003 even before I wrote my dissertation prospectus. And boy have I come a long way! Rather my argument has. Well okay both really to be perfectly honest :-). I liked feeling that way. The passion and enthusiasm are still there but are now tempered by a certain crispness, consistency, and clarity that was missing earlier. Yay me! Well I can't take all the credit...there are too many others but most pivotal of them all in helping me along this journey is my chair. So, in that spirit, I'm signing off with a "Thankus Maxiumus, Chair....especially for staying engaged and keeping me engaged as well!"

Under the weather

2007-07-10T13:49:00.000-04:00

And that's why I haven't been posting. Thanks for the e-mails asking about blog updates. Getting better but still not 100% so expect regular posting - favorite sentence and/or dissertating thoughts - to resume Monday, if not later this week.

July 5, 2007

2007-07-05T16:50:00.000-04:00

" It is what it is - be that peace or war."

Yuppers not the fanciest sentence but the play on italics works particularly well within the context of the rest of the paragraph...not to mention the broader argument.

Now for a little TV watching to cool my brain down...and perhaps another stab at writing before the day ends.

July 4, 2007

2007-07-04T23:50:00.000-04:00

A little late in the day but hey....Happy Independence Day to all those celebrating July 4.

I'd planned to write a longer post about "Being American" or, rather, being 'naturalized' as one but it's almost midnight and I'm pooped. Some other time perhaps when the mood strikes me again.

Hope everyone who was celebrating had a good one and got a chance to enjoy some fireworks displays.

Tomorrow it's back to work ::sigh::

July 3, 2007

2007-07-03T23:34:00.000-04:00

A piece of advice my accounts teacher gave us in high school a few months before our Senior Cambridge exams was to adhere to the 8x3 model in organizing our time. I might have mentioned this in an earlier post but just in case I didn't - he suggested sleeping for 8 hours, studying for 8 hours, and devoting the other 8 as we liked to play, fun, etc.

Sounds neat IMHO. I've never been quite able to implement it...or perhaps not when I try to do so consciously.

Today was a slightly different story. I ended up implementing the 8x3 more or less. So I slept for about 7 hours and took in an afternoon nap...okay I understand 2 hours is hardly a nap but you know what I mean! Devoted 9 or so hours towards non-sleep-or-dissertating-activities such as preparing for a 4th of July lunch which included cleaning up and dessert (I'm taking care of desserts only because a full-fledged meal is something I'm not confident enough to handle unless it's really close friends and family who won't let me live down a disaster but at least I won't feel too awful just in case it happens; on the record I've only had one disaster so far since I've been cooking and it was scrambled eggs.), an AM workout, groceries, a late lunch at a restaurant with my parents who closed down early today, etc. And, yes....dissertating took up about 6 hours which included planning the remainder of the current chapter (I'd been floundering a bit) and writing up a decent chunk. It wasn't 6 hours straight but that's what it amounted to. That I didn't realize it until I started writing this post made for a very pleasant surprise.

In other words, yay today (Mashallah, knock on wood, throwing a pinch of salt over my shoulder) except for some mild annoyances on the personal front!

I'm taking the day off tomorrow for the most part but July 5th is when I'm going to aim for an encore. Well sans the major cleaning bonanza. Stay tuned for that update....I'm rooting for me pulling off the 8x3 consciously this time.

Okay off to work on the pineapple semifreddo that I'm making for tomorrow...yes I know it's past 11:30 pm but it's supposed to stay in the freezer for at least 8 hours and there is no way I'm waking up super early in the morning to make it so that it's ready in time.

July 2, 2007

2007-07-02T20:14:00.000-04:00

Dissertating thought: IMHO one of the biggest hurdles I face everyday when it comes to working on The Dissertation Project is sitting down to write. Heck...it's a challenge after taking a break for lunch. It's gorgeous and sunny outside and I can think of a million other things that would provide me with nothing less than instant gratification and that would be less painful than pressing my brain to think a thought through all the way instead of stopping when my head begins to hurt. Fellow dissertators and writers will be more than familiar with this - it's not really a headache but more of an "Oh my God am I overwhelmed and see this developing into a billion directions but don't quite know how the dots connect or which dots to put in to connect in the first place" feeling. But I digress. Point being that it's so difficult to do and having done it repeatedly (which is putting it mildly) doesn't quite make it easier. Possibly because there is no clear-defined end in sight. In that every productive writing day means finding the will and ability to repeat it endlessly. And you don't quite switch off unlike some other kind of work which has a relatively short-term duration with a defined beginning and end. In other words, tough as nails. Some days are good, some days are bad, others rock in terms of output but every single day means waking up and finding it in your self to face a blank screen that must be filled up. Hmm....or is this just me and my id? Sure hope not.

I also wonder if it's akin to giving birth like everyone says....the process of active labor is rarely fun but you look upon your offspring with pride and joy. Granted my "little bundle of joy" won't have that nice baby smell nor will it have the smile that makes all the sleepless nights and heartache pale in comparison. But hopefully there will be something about this, as others say, that will feel at least somewhat magical at the end. Check back with me in a couple of months and I'll have my answer to that one (Inshallah).

Ciao for now!

June 29 & 30, 2007

2007-07-01T23:42:00.000-04:00

So here's my dilemma: I'm not quite sure how to post a favorite sentence from what I wrote without losing control over my anonymity for the chapters from here onwards until mid-ish August. I'm also a tad paranoid about plagiarism issues that might arise since I have encountered trouble with that in the past...that what I'm working on is all an analysis of the empirical stuff makes me a bit nervous. Put those two together and that's why I didn't end up posting anything on June 29 and June 30. So here's what I propose. On the days I feel comfortable about posting my favorite sentence I'll proceed as I have been these last few days. On days that I don't, I'll post a dissertation-related thought...whether that's related to the actual text or something more akin to a writing update remains to be seen. I suspect it'll be one of these, both, or other things...time will tell.

Expect regular posting to presume Monday, July 2nd.

June 28, 2007

2007-06-28T23:15:00.000-04:00

Today's favorite sentence is really a quote that sets up the argument for all of the empirical chapters in my dissertation - specifically the purpose of writing them the way I am. I happened to find it in my reading notes from March 2005...I guess it pays to procrastinate sometimes because if I hadn't been making an attempt to waste time productively then I wouldn't have clicked open this file.

"“We feel as if we had to penetrate phenomena: our investigation, however, is not directed towards phenomena, but, as one might say, towards the ‘possibilities’ of phenomena. We remind ourselves, that is to say, of the kind of statement that we make about phenomena."

It's from Wittgenstein's Philosophical Investigations ; now all I have to do is find the section number because I apparently didn't note it the first time round!

June 27, 2007

2007-06-27T19:15:00.000-04:00

Knock on wood and Mashallah: I had the kind of writing afternoon today that made me fall in love with my dissertation project all over again. Yes, for the past few days (possibly weeks and months) there was more toleration than anything else...a commitment to see it through but today I'm madly and head over heels in love with it. What I call "green points galore"....green points are what I call my own ideas that jump out in response to reading or watching a text...yes I do consider them bordering on brilliant or rather having the potential to produce something novel and insightful.

One catch as far as posting the day's favorite sentence goes...since I'm holding on to some measure of anonymity it's getting increasingly difficult to post one that doesn't reveal the exact project and, by extension, yours truly. So I'm not really picking the one I like best but rather the one I like best that still conceals my identity as it were. In other words, consider this a disclaimer...I'm writing funkier stuff that is infinitely more exciting.

"The debate between these two characters then is not based on an abstract category we refer to as 'communalism'; rather, it is a legitimation struggle involving 'faith' that is historical not in the teleological sense but, rather, in the empirical sense in so far that its specific deployment in the here-and-now is made meaningful bearing in mind prior uses."

June 26, 2007

2007-06-26T22:28:00.000-04:00

"Thus, as the preceding analysis illustrates, these boundaries do not represent some sort of externally existing reality that they represent accurately but, instead, acquire meaning in specific and ongoing legitimation struggles whose consequence, in the case at hand, has been a persistence of conflict."

Hmm if I compare this to yesterday's edition I'm hovering over redundancy but it probably looks a whole lot better in context than I'm giving it credit for. Chalk that up to another ho-hum writing day or is it now a spell given that it was the second day in a row?

Here's to a better day tomorrow. I wish I was one of those people who could have terrific writing days in some sort of extended succession. Or is this the monotony of discipline that overwhelms, possibly quells, the bulk of my enthusiasm. Okay I'll stop analyzing here and see what transpires tomorrow.

June 25, 2007

2007-06-25T23:35:00.000-04:00

"All of these actors speak of the same identity/entity; the heterogeneity apparent in this conversation is illustrative of the differences in moral-practical ways of knowing that produce varied perspectives on the world."

Not the best writing day but I do have this sentence to show for it which isn't half-bad IMHO.

Insert happy dance here....one chapter draft done!

2007-06-21T20:16:00.001-04:00

I guess all I needed was the longest day of the year to finish something. I have officially crossed off "draft of chapter for TPTINTD" from my "to-do" list.

Yipppeeeee! Yay me!

O Summer Solstice! How I love thee!

Between a finished review for a refereed journal and a book chapter within the span of a week not to mention ongoing work on a dissertation chapter I'm beginning to think that I might be able to pull off academicking without falling down on my ass all the time.

I'm currently contemplating taking a break tomorrow so if you don't see a favorite sentence posted you'll know what happened. Hmm I really should take half the day off at the very least, yes? To reward myself for completing something and shipping it off?

June 21, 2007

2007-06-21T20:15:00.000-04:00

From today's work bonanza:

"But why? Is difference always evil? Or, should we attempt to make difference harmless or “good”? Can we learn to think of difference as somethingthat also just ‘is’?"

June 20, 2007

2007-06-20T18:52:00.000-04:00

Today's sentence from TPTINTD:

"Life’s funny isn’t it? The very name that I, throughout my life, had seen others associate with my being an outsider had now made me less of one."

Now I m-u-s-t get up, walk away from The Laptop, and step outside to enjoy the remaining 90 or so minutes of daylight...that I've written a whopping total of 9 pages from scratch today means I certainly deserve it!

PS: Nopes, don't feel too sorry for me. I haven't exactly been chained to my desk all day plus I stepped out for lunch :-).

June 19, 2007

2007-06-19T19:33:00.000-04:00

Today's edition. Perhaps a mouthful and too abstract - especially when it's taken out of context like it has been in this post - but, nonetheless, here it is:

"Shifting our attention away from normatively desirable yet, still, fictional possibilities to the empirical narratives that provide the contours of the worlds we inhabit opens up, if you will, new possibilities for knowing 'X' in which the causal complexity of its very existence - in the sense of its 'coming-into-being' repeatedly in social processes - can be accounted for."

June 18, 2007

2007-06-18T22:44:00.000-04:00

Today was devoted primarily to reviewing an article that I had been sent and preparing a narrative document with more detailed comments.

So instead of a sentence I wrote I offer today a quote that I tracked down which sets the tone in some respects for the piece I am working on for TPTINTD as well as the current dissertation chapter I am writing:

"You needed me. You needed to perfect me.
In your absence you polished me into the Enemy.
Your history gets in the way of my memory."
---Excerpt from 'Farewell' by Agha Shahid Ali

Hmm as I think about it some more it seems like this verse/excerpt sets the tone for one of the main arguments in the dissertation as a whole.

Until tomorrow!

Favorite sentences resume Monday

2007-06-16T13:34:00.000-04:00

So here's what has happened:

June 14, 2007: Working through a film and some interviews that recollected (first-hand) experiences of immigrants to Pakistan sent me into a loop where horror gave way to being too depressed to push my own thoughts. Overwhelmingly tragic doesn't begin to describe what these people went through. Couple that with the almost effortless yet appropriately emotional way in which they share their tale and it gets even more boggling. I also discovered that I pause when I come to this film and these sets of interviews every single time I have tried to incorporate them in my dissertation. Possibly because it connects all too well with the stories of my own family especially the paternal grandparents. And then a hiatus ensues because it's just too difficult to return to processing those thoughts. I should probably not include these texts - at least not now. Maybe later? I do have disjointed field notes that I jotted from revisiting these texts but I'm not up to sharing my favorite sentence from them.

June 15, 2007: Planned 'off' day to indulge in partaking of the first day first show of "Jhoom Barabar Jhoom" - Bollywood blockbuster as the ads say - review post to follow next week. Suffice it to say I loved it. Then I spent the day with some friends.

June 16, 2007: There might be a post today but most likely all of today will be spent reviewing a piece for a journal that I need to send out next week. That I only got into bed around 3 am after a long but fun Friday is making me drag my butt today hence significantly decreasing the chance that new writing will happen...edits maybe but that's probably about it.

June 17, 2007: Not just Sunday but a very special one - Fathers Day.

This is the long-winded way of me saying...regular posting of "today's favorite sentence" will resume Monday June 18, 2007.

June 13, 2007

2007-06-13T18:11:00.000-04:00

Here it is: "The purpose towards which I employ an engagement with these multiple positions is not to propose corrective interpretations but, rather, to illustrate the heterogeneous character of that which is superficially, even inaccurately, presumed to be homogeneous."