So I haven't found it in me to blog for some reason. I want to say it's because my life has been fairly frazzled. But that can't be an excuse can it? After all, if I had a burning desire to think, write, share I would have made the time. But I have felt the urge so what the hell happened. I don't know. But I'm back. Perhaps because I'm in a different country - in Pakistan. The change of rhythm helps to want to connect. But alas the timing is bad because I see the battery about to die on me. So I chime in with a non-post of sorts. I could of course plug the machine in. But I don't. I guess I'm lazy.
I promise to myself that I won't be lazy tomorrow. I think laziness might explain why I haven't blogged.
No wait a minute. It's not lazy. Or it isn't just that.
I love the rhythm of my life. I love that I no longer bring work home with me except on very rare occasions - that's the one thing I don't miss about academia. Not in the least. I think I've cherished having time at the end of the day to give to my loved ones and to myself.
That perhaps is more of the reason why I haven't blogged. And I think I needed this time to get out of the habit of thinking to write - as I've done for over a decade while making my way through my thesis and my dissertation.
This post reads qualitatively different to me. It reads like I'm feeling my writing and that is what helps me to think. I like that. I like this freedom. Stay tuned!
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Monday, October 26, 2009
Returning to 30-30
Greetings 30-30 readers!
It's been super quiet out here. Long story short, I finished my PhD and decided to take a hiatus from academia. Work now involves the research I did and love doing but in a different setting as an advisor. What has all this entailed and what am I up to? Well I plan to play catch-up and blog regularly from here on forwards. For now...just a quick hello to reconnect with you peeps. I'll be back in a day or two so do check back in. Here's to continuing the conversation....
It's been super quiet out here. Long story short, I finished my PhD and decided to take a hiatus from academia. Work now involves the research I did and love doing but in a different setting as an advisor. What has all this entailed and what am I up to? Well I plan to play catch-up and blog regularly from here on forwards. For now...just a quick hello to reconnect with you peeps. I'll be back in a day or two so do check back in. Here's to continuing the conversation....
Monday, June 22, 2009
Pakistan Wins World Cup
Major excitement ensues after Pakistan's cricket team won the T20 World Cup yesterday. The match was thrilling to say the least. The last time we won the world cup I was graduating from school; this time post Ph.D. I was glued to the TV along with friends and family. Kudos to Pakistanis everywhere...we played like professionals and truly deserved it. Here's to more victories in the future...
Hum Hain Pakistani, Hum tou jeetain gay! (We are Pakistanis, and we will win!)
Hum Hain Pakistani, Hum tou jeetain gay! (We are Pakistanis, and we will win!)
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Tuning back in
Good evening blogistan!
I know I've been hiding. I know I've been quiet. Some of it has been due to dealing with dissertation deposits and formatting. The other has had to do with just making several decisions and wanting a little down time. I've been thinking. But I haven't wanted to write. I want to change that starting with this blogpost but I must forewarn that things might be a little quiet on the blogging front for another couple of weeks. But I promise they won't be silent. I am craving writing - writing for fun, for exploring.
So hope all of you have been well. I have thoroughly enjoyed graduating, celebrating with my parents and loved ones, having more time for loved ones, and simply being.
More soon!
I know I've been hiding. I know I've been quiet. Some of it has been due to dealing with dissertation deposits and formatting. The other has had to do with just making several decisions and wanting a little down time. I've been thinking. But I haven't wanted to write. I want to change that starting with this blogpost but I must forewarn that things might be a little quiet on the blogging front for another couple of weeks. But I promise they won't be silent. I am craving writing - writing for fun, for exploring.
So hope all of you have been well. I have thoroughly enjoyed graduating, celebrating with my parents and loved ones, having more time for loved ones, and simply being.
More soon!
Friday, April 03, 2009
Basking in the light at the end of the tunnel
Yup, all done as of March 26. No longer dwelling in the abyss of ABDhood but officially PhD'd. The cherrie on top were that I awarded a pass with no distinction and that I don't have any revisions as such to complete - just a careful combing through of the text to ensure no awkwardness or errors persist through the multiple iterations out of which the final draft was born.
Color me relieved and excited to see what comes next.
A well-rested Dr. Bionic-Woman.
Color me relieved and excited to see what comes next.
A well-rested Dr. Bionic-Woman.
Friday, January 30, 2009
The coexistence of that which is bleak with that which is life itself...
If you click on the title of this post, you will find that it is linked to a piece on being in Pakistan from one of my most favorite people on the planet and a very dear friend - Naeem Inayatullah:
Some thoughts, not random but certainly not organized, that my readings of this piece triggered:
1. This might seem trivial but I do agree that with the exception of ice-cream, Pakistan really does have the most delectable tasting food and drink. It's a culinary haven.
2. Pointing to what amounts to a 'favorite' shouldn't negate the fact that this whole essay inspired me and provoked much thought in an emotional sense - much like a song that keeps building flawlessly to a crescendo that can only make you tear up and exist within a blankness that isn't empty but certainly feels that way perhaps because there is only room for feeling rather than thinking. Having said that, I do have a thought to which I am drawn and want to dwell and perhaps even savor and it is this: "On my return to Ithaca I feel empty; I wonder where the people are. I am jet-lagged, culture shocked and weather beaten. But I clutch at my disorientation with the desperation of someone who fears that Ithaca routines will leave him numbed."
The fear of being numbed. I think Naeem nails it here for all those of us who perhaps find ourselves at the margins of affiliations that don't normally go together - because society has been long used to drawing a sharper line demarcating inside and outside that it seems to have neglected to develop a vocabulary to accommodate, under one umbrella, or, in this case, one being, that which is traditionally separated. Hmm I think I might just have entered the social science-y domain by making a statement on behalf of a larger public - safety in generalizability. That's one of the things I hate most about the disciplines that fall within social science. So I'll speak for myself - although I harbor no delusions or carry the (Western) baggage of the dichotomy of individual/collective. I don't believe people are private individuals. Even the depths of our minds that we think elude all but us are a product of the ways in which we make sense of the world by interacting with it. So perhaps 'being' is a more precise word, yes? Because to me that implies interacting and being social. But I digress. Let me rephrase the statement about Naeem nailing it as one that applies solely to me as far as I know. Others who agree - or disagree - can speak for themselves.
So I was talking about the fear of being numbed. I went back to Pakistan after 2 years this past summer. Other than when we were waiting for our permanent resident paperwork to come through, I have never been away from Pakistan for this long ever since I moved to the US. The reasons for doing so are a bit personal. I have the reason that I gave to all and even me - and that was definitely part of it - I was working on my dissertation and wanted to wait till it was done. But there was a deeper reason that I've only recently recognized - I was running away from a vital part of me. I didn't know it at the time. But perhaps to grapple with it I needed to suppress it for a while. Of course none of this was conscious. But I can see it now from where I'm standing - primarily because it took confronting what I was running away from to return this August.
But back to the numbness of which Naeem is talking about in this piece. When I returned to Pakistan, after a week of reorienting myself to the frustrations and unease of loadshedding that makes one wonder if the concept of electricity is one that one ought to be amnesic about to cope with its frequent absence, nosy people who have no business butting in your business but do it anyway, getting used to the loss of privacy that follows with the nosiness so much so that what one ate for lunch suddenly becomes something that ought to be public knowledge in extensions of family that are so far removed that one rarely thinks about them, the carelessness with which time commitments are (mis)treated, the hovering around of domestic help that makes one oscillate between concerns about human rights and whether this might just be a form of slavery to relishing the fact that there are no clothes to be taken out of a dryer to be folded and put away in place. After getting back into the rhythm that was first nature to me it hit me. I miss being in Pakistan. Despite all of the things that get under my skin - and the above list is but a partial one - there is something about it that keeps me vibrant in a way that always feels new but is also familiar. As Naeem writes, "there are colors vibrant beyond any camera’s ability to capture" - so so true. In fact, along the same lines and extending what Naeem has captured so vividly, it's a rhythm of life that can't be explained until it beats in your heart.
Someone might say I'm romanticizing. Perhaps I am. But since when did romanticism become a four-letter word? What's the need to be ashamed of it? Why be embarrassed? After all, it is when we humans dream and act to make those dreams come true that we gain the opportunity to celebrate and enjoy our capacity to do wonderful things.
Being in Pakistan and getting reacquainted with the Pakistani in me (not that I'd lost it but perhaps its voice was being dulled - I think of it as the numbness to which Naeem alludes) inspires me beyond measure. It makes me feel. It gives me the space to think from my gut. I like how I think and how I write - which in my profession are both vitally important. I spent the last two years that I stayed away from Pakistan learning to think like an academic - well not so much think as make an attempt to think that way and perhaps fake it. I tried to play by the rules of the game. And Pakistan reminded me that I need to make the game mine to be happy playing it. That I came to the game in the first place because I could think of other ways to play it, of different moves that might make playing the game a much more enriching experience.
As I write this I'm getting lost. As I said above, lost in the emotions I feel but fail to perhaps articulate. Not out of fear but more so out of a consciousness of the seconds ticking away on the clock while knowing that there are things I need to tend to and so the luxury of thinking this through must wait.
But yes I know that it is this very fear of numbness that is very real for me once more. That is until I can find a way to play the game so that my rules apply as well.
3. The Pakistan I see in the news while navigating my existence between New Jersey, New York, and DC frustrates me to no end. I don't deny its existence. But I do deny that it is all there is to Pakistan. To follow Naeem's thoughts, if the rubble of bomb blasts or the destruction on a street left by a rioting crowd make up Pakistan then so do a people whose conscience and hearts are alive. Who dream of a better future. Who try to inspire others to create this future. Who in their small ways also fill their present with vestiges of this utopia. That utopic present exists in the women of whom Naeem speaks. Someone like his cousin Miryam. I too see it all around me when I go. It is in the eyes of the Afghan refugee boy who creates fascinating products to sell on the street; all alone in the world his eyes are never sad but glimmer with hope and pride. I also see it in the architecture. The fountain known as 'do talwar' - two swords - that has been dedicated to those refugees who came to Pakistan in 1947 and gave up their all to make a dream a reality with a corporeal existence. In this sense, Pakistan is the conundrum Naeem captures in his story of his morning jog in Islamabad - one in which guards are deployed on streets but who suddenly also become part of your daily rhythm. If they are there because the law and order situation is horrendous, their presence is also very much a part of the vibrancy of Pakistan - the relationships one carves on a daily basis. Relationships that cement themselves with even a few brief, seemingly superficial encounters. I think back to my daily visits to the Avari Towers hotel in Karachi while I was there doing my field research. I'd go there to check my e-mail because they had high-speed wireless. The guard who would open the door for me on my way in and on my way out was a reminder of the dangers that lurk all over Karachi. Yet, in that brief encounter that occurred everyday, our 2 minutes conversation suddenly become a connection about our lives. And so I got to know all about the dreams he has for his family's future. I've never met them but I know them well. When I returned to Pakistan after 2 years this past summer, he recognized me instantly and inquired where I'd been all this time. And so it was like I'd never left or that the break hadn't been as long.
4. I'm relieved that for once someone trying to explain the normalcy of life in Pakistan didn't try to make it fit within the parameters of normalcy that might be used by the 'other' with whom one is trying to communicate. There was no reassurance, no defensiveness. Only an exploration of that which is quintessentially Pakistan - a normalcy that continue to evolve and exist alongside that which is bleak.
5. I miss the raw smells, the vibrant colors, and being part of the vitality of which Naeem speaks. I too am fearful and resistant of numbness. There are days I fight it well. Then there are days when perhaps I don't feel the need to fight it at all because something like the essay Naeem has written inspires me from within my gut and makes me feel like I don't have a long-distance relationship with my Pakistani-ness. On others, the distance is overwhelming. And I fear. And I contemplate. And I too clutch at the 'me' that sometimes feels lost and out of place in the fray that is my life in America. But, then again, my life in America is also very much a part of me. It inspires me - but in a characteristically different way. One whose heartbeat might be different but very much keeps the pulse running.
And on that note of a horrendously phrased metaphor, I sign off until next time.
Some thoughts, not random but certainly not organized, that my readings of this piece triggered:
1. This might seem trivial but I do agree that with the exception of ice-cream, Pakistan really does have the most delectable tasting food and drink. It's a culinary haven.
2. Pointing to what amounts to a 'favorite' shouldn't negate the fact that this whole essay inspired me and provoked much thought in an emotional sense - much like a song that keeps building flawlessly to a crescendo that can only make you tear up and exist within a blankness that isn't empty but certainly feels that way perhaps because there is only room for feeling rather than thinking. Having said that, I do have a thought to which I am drawn and want to dwell and perhaps even savor and it is this: "On my return to Ithaca I feel empty; I wonder where the people are. I am jet-lagged, culture shocked and weather beaten. But I clutch at my disorientation with the desperation of someone who fears that Ithaca routines will leave him numbed."
The fear of being numbed. I think Naeem nails it here for all those of us who perhaps find ourselves at the margins of affiliations that don't normally go together - because society has been long used to drawing a sharper line demarcating inside and outside that it seems to have neglected to develop a vocabulary to accommodate, under one umbrella, or, in this case, one being, that which is traditionally separated. Hmm I think I might just have entered the social science-y domain by making a statement on behalf of a larger public - safety in generalizability. That's one of the things I hate most about the disciplines that fall within social science. So I'll speak for myself - although I harbor no delusions or carry the (Western) baggage of the dichotomy of individual/collective. I don't believe people are private individuals. Even the depths of our minds that we think elude all but us are a product of the ways in which we make sense of the world by interacting with it. So perhaps 'being' is a more precise word, yes? Because to me that implies interacting and being social. But I digress. Let me rephrase the statement about Naeem nailing it as one that applies solely to me as far as I know. Others who agree - or disagree - can speak for themselves.
So I was talking about the fear of being numbed. I went back to Pakistan after 2 years this past summer. Other than when we were waiting for our permanent resident paperwork to come through, I have never been away from Pakistan for this long ever since I moved to the US. The reasons for doing so are a bit personal. I have the reason that I gave to all and even me - and that was definitely part of it - I was working on my dissertation and wanted to wait till it was done. But there was a deeper reason that I've only recently recognized - I was running away from a vital part of me. I didn't know it at the time. But perhaps to grapple with it I needed to suppress it for a while. Of course none of this was conscious. But I can see it now from where I'm standing - primarily because it took confronting what I was running away from to return this August.
But back to the numbness of which Naeem is talking about in this piece. When I returned to Pakistan, after a week of reorienting myself to the frustrations and unease of loadshedding that makes one wonder if the concept of electricity is one that one ought to be amnesic about to cope with its frequent absence, nosy people who have no business butting in your business but do it anyway, getting used to the loss of privacy that follows with the nosiness so much so that what one ate for lunch suddenly becomes something that ought to be public knowledge in extensions of family that are so far removed that one rarely thinks about them, the carelessness with which time commitments are (mis)treated, the hovering around of domestic help that makes one oscillate between concerns about human rights and whether this might just be a form of slavery to relishing the fact that there are no clothes to be taken out of a dryer to be folded and put away in place. After getting back into the rhythm that was first nature to me it hit me. I miss being in Pakistan. Despite all of the things that get under my skin - and the above list is but a partial one - there is something about it that keeps me vibrant in a way that always feels new but is also familiar. As Naeem writes, "there are colors vibrant beyond any camera’s ability to capture" - so so true. In fact, along the same lines and extending what Naeem has captured so vividly, it's a rhythm of life that can't be explained until it beats in your heart.
Someone might say I'm romanticizing. Perhaps I am. But since when did romanticism become a four-letter word? What's the need to be ashamed of it? Why be embarrassed? After all, it is when we humans dream and act to make those dreams come true that we gain the opportunity to celebrate and enjoy our capacity to do wonderful things.
Being in Pakistan and getting reacquainted with the Pakistani in me (not that I'd lost it but perhaps its voice was being dulled - I think of it as the numbness to which Naeem alludes) inspires me beyond measure. It makes me feel. It gives me the space to think from my gut. I like how I think and how I write - which in my profession are both vitally important. I spent the last two years that I stayed away from Pakistan learning to think like an academic - well not so much think as make an attempt to think that way and perhaps fake it. I tried to play by the rules of the game. And Pakistan reminded me that I need to make the game mine to be happy playing it. That I came to the game in the first place because I could think of other ways to play it, of different moves that might make playing the game a much more enriching experience.
As I write this I'm getting lost. As I said above, lost in the emotions I feel but fail to perhaps articulate. Not out of fear but more so out of a consciousness of the seconds ticking away on the clock while knowing that there are things I need to tend to and so the luxury of thinking this through must wait.
But yes I know that it is this very fear of numbness that is very real for me once more. That is until I can find a way to play the game so that my rules apply as well.
3. The Pakistan I see in the news while navigating my existence between New Jersey, New York, and DC frustrates me to no end. I don't deny its existence. But I do deny that it is all there is to Pakistan. To follow Naeem's thoughts, if the rubble of bomb blasts or the destruction on a street left by a rioting crowd make up Pakistan then so do a people whose conscience and hearts are alive. Who dream of a better future. Who try to inspire others to create this future. Who in their small ways also fill their present with vestiges of this utopia. That utopic present exists in the women of whom Naeem speaks. Someone like his cousin Miryam. I too see it all around me when I go. It is in the eyes of the Afghan refugee boy who creates fascinating products to sell on the street; all alone in the world his eyes are never sad but glimmer with hope and pride. I also see it in the architecture. The fountain known as 'do talwar' - two swords - that has been dedicated to those refugees who came to Pakistan in 1947 and gave up their all to make a dream a reality with a corporeal existence. In this sense, Pakistan is the conundrum Naeem captures in his story of his morning jog in Islamabad - one in which guards are deployed on streets but who suddenly also become part of your daily rhythm. If they are there because the law and order situation is horrendous, their presence is also very much a part of the vibrancy of Pakistan - the relationships one carves on a daily basis. Relationships that cement themselves with even a few brief, seemingly superficial encounters. I think back to my daily visits to the Avari Towers hotel in Karachi while I was there doing my field research. I'd go there to check my e-mail because they had high-speed wireless. The guard who would open the door for me on my way in and on my way out was a reminder of the dangers that lurk all over Karachi. Yet, in that brief encounter that occurred everyday, our 2 minutes conversation suddenly become a connection about our lives. And so I got to know all about the dreams he has for his family's future. I've never met them but I know them well. When I returned to Pakistan after 2 years this past summer, he recognized me instantly and inquired where I'd been all this time. And so it was like I'd never left or that the break hadn't been as long.
4. I'm relieved that for once someone trying to explain the normalcy of life in Pakistan didn't try to make it fit within the parameters of normalcy that might be used by the 'other' with whom one is trying to communicate. There was no reassurance, no defensiveness. Only an exploration of that which is quintessentially Pakistan - a normalcy that continue to evolve and exist alongside that which is bleak.
5. I miss the raw smells, the vibrant colors, and being part of the vitality of which Naeem speaks. I too am fearful and resistant of numbness. There are days I fight it well. Then there are days when perhaps I don't feel the need to fight it at all because something like the essay Naeem has written inspires me from within my gut and makes me feel like I don't have a long-distance relationship with my Pakistani-ness. On others, the distance is overwhelming. And I fear. And I contemplate. And I too clutch at the 'me' that sometimes feels lost and out of place in the fray that is my life in America. But, then again, my life in America is also very much a part of me. It inspires me - but in a characteristically different way. One whose heartbeat might be different but very much keeps the pulse running.
And on that note of a horrendously phrased metaphor, I sign off until next time.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Truck-Loads of Belated Wishes
In my MIA-ness tons of holidays passed us by. So, in that spirit, belated Happy Eid, Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Year. It's been eerily quiet here on this space - chalk it up to the holiday season and trying to dissertate. It might be a while before I begin to post again but I promise to be back later this month once I've circled my way back from the edge of the planet.
In the meantime, sending out wishes for a 2009 that brings happiness, joy, fulfillment, health, prosperity, and peace to all.
In the meantime, sending out wishes for a 2009 that brings happiness, joy, fulfillment, health, prosperity, and peace to all.
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