Showing posts with label dissertating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dissertating. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
A first!
For the very first time in this whole dissertating process, I managed to force myself to push through the writing even if I didn't think it was perfect. Normally I obsess over links and spend time hunting down citations as I craft each sentence. Yesterday I wrote to tell the story without getting lost in all of the details. In other words, I wrote what I think a reader needs to know instead of telling the reader everything I know. It's not perfect by any means. But it certainly is good enough. Or so I think - we'll see what my committee members have to say when they read it.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
The Dissertating Life
I can think of a billion other things that I could have posted about - well okay, really I mean 3. Specifically, rants (which are connected to dissertating and being a women who, while dissertating, has an unplanned week-end encounter with family friends who just &*^%&^ don't get it), raves (awesome shoes on sale, Jodhaa Akbar - which, for the uninitiated, is the latest Bollywood flick out this week-end), and *stuff* (perhaps the elections in Pakistan but I'll leave that one for Asad to chime in on).
But right now, at this very moment, all I'm thinking about is this: the everyday life of a dissertator on days when one doesn't have teaching commitments. And it goes something like this.
Wake up. Plan to dissertate. Eat breakfast. Workout. Continue planning to dissertate. Even dissertate! However, all that time keep thinking about other stuff that would be more fun to do. Some of it might even be work-related, perhaps even another writing project (which is really "projects" in my case). Plan all of those things one would rather be doing as reward when X amount of writing is finished. Of course X is an unrealistic estimate but continue to think that it'll serve as motivation to get more done by prompting oneself to officially kick one's butt into gear. Not do what one planned to do - or not enough of it. Feel resentful because the other stuff wasn't done that would have been more fun - but of course it wasn't deserved, well or otherwise - because the dissertation didn't get as much attention as it ought to have. Day ends. Start anew with the (mistaken and surprisingly naive?) commitment for the next day to be different.
And somehow in the midst of many days like this it does eventually get done. Speaking of which, back to 'it'!
But right now, at this very moment, all I'm thinking about is this: the everyday life of a dissertator on days when one doesn't have teaching commitments. And it goes something like this.
Wake up. Plan to dissertate. Eat breakfast. Workout. Continue planning to dissertate. Even dissertate! However, all that time keep thinking about other stuff that would be more fun to do. Some of it might even be work-related, perhaps even another writing project (which is really "projects" in my case). Plan all of those things one would rather be doing as reward when X amount of writing is finished. Of course X is an unrealistic estimate but continue to think that it'll serve as motivation to get more done by prompting oneself to officially kick one's butt into gear. Not do what one planned to do - or not enough of it. Feel resentful because the other stuff wasn't done that would have been more fun - but of course it wasn't deserved, well or otherwise - because the dissertation didn't get as much attention as it ought to have. Day ends. Start anew with the (mistaken and surprisingly naive?) commitment for the next day to be different.
And somehow in the midst of many days like this it does eventually get done. Speaking of which, back to 'it'!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Of inspirations and perhaps even something like momentum
So between the 3 blog posts from today and, more importantly, finishing a (read: another and potentially final) draft of the introduction to the dissertation that I wrote and then revised all in one afternoon I'm feeling like "The Productive Writer /Dissertator That Could". Thanks are due here especially to Naeem for his comments on the previous post that gave me that "itching-to-write" feeling. I feel like I can write more...not right now perhaps because I have also prepared 2 lectures for my classes tomorrow and I think I've earned the right to take a break. Well I would've taken one irrespective but this way there isn't any guilt involved.
But I digress. What I wanted to say was that today was the first day in a l-o-n-g while that writing/dissertating didn't feel painful to the point of questioning why I was in this to begin with. So, yay :-)! I want to say that I think this might have its own momentum - well at least potentially - but I won't go so far only because my Mondays and Wednesdays are hijacked by "professoring". Although I want to try and sneak something in - just the feeling is nice enough. Especially since I get to move on to the next chapter. Plus I think sticking to breaking up dissertating into a small manageable task and using the comments I received from a friend to edit the version of the intro I finished earlier in the afternoon even though I really wanted to take a break feels darn good right now. That one of my committee members described what I finished today as "enticing" is of course icing on the cake :-).
I think it's true what they say and what the author Madeleine L'Engle has summarized beautifully. To quote her, "Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it." Writing and rewriting the intro helped lend clarity to the overall argument of the dissertation - I've been visualizing my argument that way for a couple of weeks now but just hadn't really written it all out. Which means that I kept opening new files (Word and iPod Voice Memos) without completing thoughts all the way through. This time I didn't let myself stop - and I think that happened because there were other folks involved in the process as I mentioned above. So what was somewhat fuzzy suddenly became clear - precisely because I kept working at it.
So, momentum does and can work...now let's hope I can keep at it for a while longer especially since I'll be traveling Friday and Saturday. In other words, the timetable is ambitious but so am I :-). Stay tuned for updates.
But I digress. What I wanted to say was that today was the first day in a l-o-n-g while that writing/dissertating didn't feel painful to the point of questioning why I was in this to begin with. So, yay :-)! I want to say that I think this might have its own momentum - well at least potentially - but I won't go so far only because my Mondays and Wednesdays are hijacked by "professoring". Although I want to try and sneak something in - just the feeling is nice enough. Especially since I get to move on to the next chapter. Plus I think sticking to breaking up dissertating into a small manageable task and using the comments I received from a friend to edit the version of the intro I finished earlier in the afternoon even though I really wanted to take a break feels darn good right now. That one of my committee members described what I finished today as "enticing" is of course icing on the cake :-).
I think it's true what they say and what the author Madeleine L'Engle has summarized beautifully. To quote her, "Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it." Writing and rewriting the intro helped lend clarity to the overall argument of the dissertation - I've been visualizing my argument that way for a couple of weeks now but just hadn't really written it all out. Which means that I kept opening new files (Word and iPod Voice Memos) without completing thoughts all the way through. This time I didn't let myself stop - and I think that happened because there were other folks involved in the process as I mentioned above. So what was somewhat fuzzy suddenly became clear - precisely because I kept working at it.
So, momentum does and can work...now let's hope I can keep at it for a while longer especially since I'll be traveling Friday and Saturday. In other words, the timetable is ambitious but so am I :-). Stay tuned for updates.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Why I Loathe Revisions
I'm currently working on producing a more coherent, finished chapter based on a previous draft. In other words, I'm in "revision hell". Did I mention I hate this entire process? Nopes not dissertating, but revising for sure.
Yes, I know what "they" say. In fact, I know it all and I know it all too well. Yes I know once you get it done or down on paper (screen really) you can always revise and out of that emerges a chapter and eventually a dissertation. I'll be honest. That's the part I can't seem to get done primarily because I get so tired of wading around that I have to write from scratch pretty much. That I pulled that stunt 4 days prior to submitting my M.A. thesis and rewrote the first 2 chapters plus tacked on a conclusion does mean that it's doable - at least in the universe that I inhabit - but not the best idea. I agree that when I can revise the stuff turns out much better. But there's something about it that turns me off to the point where it's a Herculean task to bring myself to that point. [Special nod here to our Ph.D. Director who said on Day 1, probably Hour 1, of a week-long orientation not to expect any instant gratification in this process. I think he was putting it mildly. Not only is there none of that and only the long haul to look forward to but one has to pretty much force oneself to write, think, read when it feels humanly impossible to do more. No wonder some describe it as having a baby. But, like I might have blogged before, babies smell much nicer, are cuddly, and lead to a lifetime of love. The Dissertation - well not so much. But I digress...]
Why do I loathe revising? Three main reasons:
1. It often feels like fumbling around without ever getting anything done despite spending enormous amounts of time on it. When you're simply writing unplugged (which is also challenging sometimes in terms of reigning in The Perfectionist), the pages add up. At the end of the day you feel like you did something - guaranteed. With revising, well yes things become cleaner and crisper but the lack of "building more" can be a bit depressing. And on days when revising a paragraph consumes your entire existence...well let's just say it can induce self-doubt of epic proportions. After all, if I can edit a paragraph in one day am I ever really going to get done? [Yes I know I will and it's a bad day but that's rarely how it feels.]
2. Equally often, there are huge chunks of text that sound so darn good but they are, at best, redundant. At worst you ask? Don't...makes me shudder! So those paragraphs, pages even, need to be edited out. But taking that cursor over that entire text, highlighting it, and clicking 'cut' or hitting 'delete' is too heart-wrenching to come easily. Of course the longer that stuff remains in there, the longer this whole dissertating process is drawn out. Hmm the whole experience is kind of like The Ex whom you broke up with but keep breaking down and getting together with. In other words, that text has to be deleted and not saved in a separate folder to refer to later or else I know I'll keep coming back to it and trying to fit it in just because I'm so used to it and was in love with it once.
3. Migraines aren't fun; revising can, and often does, induce that. Need I say more?
But I guess it still needs to be done. Speaking of which, back to work.
Yes, I know what "they" say. In fact, I know it all and I know it all too well. Yes I know once you get it done or down on paper (screen really) you can always revise and out of that emerges a chapter and eventually a dissertation. I'll be honest. That's the part I can't seem to get done primarily because I get so tired of wading around that I have to write from scratch pretty much. That I pulled that stunt 4 days prior to submitting my M.A. thesis and rewrote the first 2 chapters plus tacked on a conclusion does mean that it's doable - at least in the universe that I inhabit - but not the best idea. I agree that when I can revise the stuff turns out much better. But there's something about it that turns me off to the point where it's a Herculean task to bring myself to that point. [Special nod here to our Ph.D. Director who said on Day 1, probably Hour 1, of a week-long orientation not to expect any instant gratification in this process. I think he was putting it mildly. Not only is there none of that and only the long haul to look forward to but one has to pretty much force oneself to write, think, read when it feels humanly impossible to do more. No wonder some describe it as having a baby. But, like I might have blogged before, babies smell much nicer, are cuddly, and lead to a lifetime of love. The Dissertation - well not so much. But I digress...]
Why do I loathe revising? Three main reasons:
1. It often feels like fumbling around without ever getting anything done despite spending enormous amounts of time on it. When you're simply writing unplugged (which is also challenging sometimes in terms of reigning in The Perfectionist), the pages add up. At the end of the day you feel like you did something - guaranteed. With revising, well yes things become cleaner and crisper but the lack of "building more" can be a bit depressing. And on days when revising a paragraph consumes your entire existence...well let's just say it can induce self-doubt of epic proportions. After all, if I can edit a paragraph in one day am I ever really going to get done? [Yes I know I will and it's a bad day but that's rarely how it feels.]
2. Equally often, there are huge chunks of text that sound so darn good but they are, at best, redundant. At worst you ask? Don't...makes me shudder! So those paragraphs, pages even, need to be edited out. But taking that cursor over that entire text, highlighting it, and clicking 'cut' or hitting 'delete' is too heart-wrenching to come easily. Of course the longer that stuff remains in there, the longer this whole dissertating process is drawn out. Hmm the whole experience is kind of like The Ex whom you broke up with but keep breaking down and getting together with. In other words, that text has to be deleted and not saved in a separate folder to refer to later or else I know I'll keep coming back to it and trying to fit it in just because I'm so used to it and was in love with it once.
3. Migraines aren't fun; revising can, and often does, induce that. Need I say more?
But I guess it still needs to be done. Speaking of which, back to work.
Friday, April 20, 2007
The Juggling Continues
I'd meant to post something other than a list. In fact, I have two ideas brewing that I want to blog about. But I can't seem to be able to find the time to pause long enough to do so. On the other hand, I was itching to blog primarily because of all of these ideas. So the substitute is a list of what has been happening since I last made my way over to LTLWI:
April 18:
a) Daily house cleaning and other chores.
b) Dissertating from 11 am - 3 pm with intermittent breaks.
c) Surprise party logistics 3 pm - 6 pm.
d) College friend in-transit from out of town. Dinner and chit-chat followed by a trip to the airport and back.
e) Too wired at midnight; dissertated for a while.
April 19:
a) Big day - surprise bash for parents' anniversary :-). Went well but most of the day went in cleaning, setting up, organizing stuff, baking the cake [a cross between a plain chocolate ganache and a sacher torte - if anyone was curious], and making truffles [just felt like it although it was pretty time-consuming].
b) Party in the evening...went well I think...not too many people, not too little, just right...yay Goldilocks moment!
c) Caught up on dissertation reading at night.
d) Remapped dissertation.
April 20 thus far:
a) Daily house cleaning.
b) Dissertated 10:15 am - 12:39 pm.
c) Quick lunch break.
d) Working on remapping of dissertation. Hmm I wish it'd stop behaving like a moving target because I'd really like to be done!
e) Get it all done before heading out to a workshop and then dinner.
The rest of the day, like the rest of the week-end, is going to be equally nutsy but what I'm looking most forward to is a lunch at our place on Sunday which is going to be a very mini school-reunion. One of my dearest childhood friends, A, is visiting from out of state along with his very sweet wife, H, and too-cute-for-words daughter, I. If I'm not mistaken, A was my first "male friend" after I left Montessori; we've been friends now for about 19 years now. I'm meeting A after about 7 years or so and I've never met his wife and daughter. Joining the fun - another dear and close friend from school who I haven't seen in a few weeks.
Okay back to work before one of those balls falls down. After all, I have to get this chapter written in the next 2 weeks and it won't happen unless I open that file and start typing.
Have a great week-end all!
April 18:
a) Daily house cleaning and other chores.
b) Dissertating from 11 am - 3 pm with intermittent breaks.
c) Surprise party logistics 3 pm - 6 pm.
d) College friend in-transit from out of town. Dinner and chit-chat followed by a trip to the airport and back.
e) Too wired at midnight; dissertated for a while.
April 19:
a) Big day - surprise bash for parents' anniversary :-). Went well but most of the day went in cleaning, setting up, organizing stuff, baking the cake [a cross between a plain chocolate ganache and a sacher torte - if anyone was curious], and making truffles [just felt like it although it was pretty time-consuming].
b) Party in the evening...went well I think...not too many people, not too little, just right...yay Goldilocks moment!
c) Caught up on dissertation reading at night.
d) Remapped dissertation.
April 20 thus far:
a) Daily house cleaning.
b) Dissertated 10:15 am - 12:39 pm.
c) Quick lunch break.
d) Working on remapping of dissertation. Hmm I wish it'd stop behaving like a moving target because I'd really like to be done!
e) Get it all done before heading out to a workshop and then dinner.
The rest of the day, like the rest of the week-end, is going to be equally nutsy but what I'm looking most forward to is a lunch at our place on Sunday which is going to be a very mini school-reunion. One of my dearest childhood friends, A, is visiting from out of state along with his very sweet wife, H, and too-cute-for-words daughter, I. If I'm not mistaken, A was my first "male friend" after I left Montessori; we've been friends now for about 19 years now. I'm meeting A after about 7 years or so and I've never met his wife and daughter. Joining the fun - another dear and close friend from school who I haven't seen in a few weeks.
Okay back to work before one of those balls falls down. After all, I have to get this chapter written in the next 2 weeks and it won't happen unless I open that file and start typing.
Have a great week-end all!
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Insomnia-Induced Rambling
I can't seem to go to sleep. Even worse because I'm vehemently opposed to working after dark if it can be at all helped, I've been dissertating rather than flipping channels or watching a DVD for the last couple of hours. Okay not quite "worse" because I would like to be done and I'm a bit behind on my self-imposed deadline for this chapter but still.
Three thoughts running through my head:
1) I can't believe we might get flurries tomorrow. It's April for crying out loud!
2) Must get fresh flowers even if tomorrow is going to be a dreary fall-like day as opposed to spring. Hyacinths or tulips will definitely be involved. What might the tie-breaker be? If I can get the tulips in a light Myer lemon-y color then I shall look no further.
3) Is it just me or do other ABDers also find that as they get further into the dissertation the less capable one becomes of stating, with absolute certainty, precisely what their next step will be? My stock response as of late seems to be "I just want to finish and then I'll think/plan". This doesn't mean I don't know where I want to head but I think there's something about dissertating that's a peculiar animal all on its own. With an undergrad, you count off credits and you know when you have enough you'll get a degree. The Ph.D. process is more drawn out and fraught with uncertainty. It doesn't mean I'm not motivated to finish or that I'm noncommittal about it all. Far from that. But still, until it gets written, defended, deposited I think I'll continue to feel like an imposter of sorts. Funny how so much is invested or, to be more precise, I seem to have invested so much in 500 pages that it's blocking my view. I know what I want yet there's a fear lurking in the background about having it all fall into place exactly the way I want. Then again...I'm a die-hard optimist who believes in persistence, trying your best, and God.
Time to try to go to sleep. Good night for now blogosphere.
Three thoughts running through my head:
1) I can't believe we might get flurries tomorrow. It's April for crying out loud!
2) Must get fresh flowers even if tomorrow is going to be a dreary fall-like day as opposed to spring. Hyacinths or tulips will definitely be involved. What might the tie-breaker be? If I can get the tulips in a light Myer lemon-y color then I shall look no further.
3) Is it just me or do other ABDers also find that as they get further into the dissertation the less capable one becomes of stating, with absolute certainty, precisely what their next step will be? My stock response as of late seems to be "I just want to finish and then I'll think/plan". This doesn't mean I don't know where I want to head but I think there's something about dissertating that's a peculiar animal all on its own. With an undergrad, you count off credits and you know when you have enough you'll get a degree. The Ph.D. process is more drawn out and fraught with uncertainty. It doesn't mean I'm not motivated to finish or that I'm noncommittal about it all. Far from that. But still, until it gets written, defended, deposited I think I'll continue to feel like an imposter of sorts. Funny how so much is invested or, to be more precise, I seem to have invested so much in 500 pages that it's blocking my view. I know what I want yet there's a fear lurking in the background about having it all fall into place exactly the way I want. Then again...I'm a die-hard optimist who believes in persistence, trying your best, and God.
Time to try to go to sleep. Good night for now blogosphere.
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