What do you do when you realize something that you thought would make you happy doesn't anymore (it did once upon a time)? The easy answer: you figure out what would make you happy - by which I really mean more content - and readjust. The difficult answer or "easier said than done": sure, but it's scary when that thing has defined and shaped your life in important ways. The silver lining because I'm a big fan of those: I'm convinced that the 'something' has a place in my life - just not the one I have been thinking it would. So, still a readjustment which can be scary (in the sense that there can be fear of the unknown and I'm not a big fan of uncertainty even though I tend to smile through it and try my best to find the 'me' that can try to thrive on adventure) when the stakes are this high but then again I'd rather tweak this path now because 7 years down the road would be Godzilla scary.
Nopes it's not exactly like a crisis even though it might sound a little like it but more a general wonderment....
Why blog about it given that I'm a bigger believer in talking through stuff with people I love and respect? Because I've been sick all this past week including laryngitis - although I have my voice back as of this morning the whole "going into coughing fits" thing doesn't really leave talking as an option.
The other challenge: trying not to think about all this because I also know that the last laps of dissertating might be making me delirious and cranky and, therefore, generally unfit to make major, life-changing decisions. Well at least not good ones anyway. Kind of like when you're so fed up with your hair because it's been a long, dreadful winter or because something major has happened (in my case, it's tended to be breaking off long-term serious relationships) and you're craving a change but don't quite know what change you'd like to see. So you show up super-adventurous (which is really a euphemism for not knowing where you're going or what you'd like except that you'd like to go elsewhere than where you are right now) and your stylist butchers your hair completely because she's either having a nervous breakdown or is just too happy to experiment on a client who let's her do whatever she wants. Lo and behold you have a bad haircut which is in my books something that is high-maintenance and needs blow-drying for it to not look like it sucks completely.
In other words, I'm trying really hard not to get another bad haircut - literally and metaphorically. This is especially tough when you're the kind of person who likes to resolve things and bring life back into what feels like balance, harmony, and all that jazz. If I can make it through the next few weeks without obsessing to the point of distraction and indulging my own need to engage in spontaneity and impulsiveness every now and then, I'll be proud of myself. This is not to say that spontaneity is overrated - just that I need a little less clutter to be able to listen to my own gut because I truly believe in that whole instinct as the nose of the mind thing.
I think I'll be doing a lot of breathing to help me resist.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
The Dissertating Life
I can think of a billion other things that I could have posted about - well okay, really I mean 3. Specifically, rants (which are connected to dissertating and being a women who, while dissertating, has an unplanned week-end encounter with family friends who just &*^%&^ don't get it), raves (awesome shoes on sale, Jodhaa Akbar - which, for the uninitiated, is the latest Bollywood flick out this week-end), and *stuff* (perhaps the elections in Pakistan but I'll leave that one for Asad to chime in on).
But right now, at this very moment, all I'm thinking about is this: the everyday life of a dissertator on days when one doesn't have teaching commitments. And it goes something like this.
Wake up. Plan to dissertate. Eat breakfast. Workout. Continue planning to dissertate. Even dissertate! However, all that time keep thinking about other stuff that would be more fun to do. Some of it might even be work-related, perhaps even another writing project (which is really "projects" in my case). Plan all of those things one would rather be doing as reward when X amount of writing is finished. Of course X is an unrealistic estimate but continue to think that it'll serve as motivation to get more done by prompting oneself to officially kick one's butt into gear. Not do what one planned to do - or not enough of it. Feel resentful because the other stuff wasn't done that would have been more fun - but of course it wasn't deserved, well or otherwise - because the dissertation didn't get as much attention as it ought to have. Day ends. Start anew with the (mistaken and surprisingly naive?) commitment for the next day to be different.
And somehow in the midst of many days like this it does eventually get done. Speaking of which, back to 'it'!
But right now, at this very moment, all I'm thinking about is this: the everyday life of a dissertator on days when one doesn't have teaching commitments. And it goes something like this.
Wake up. Plan to dissertate. Eat breakfast. Workout. Continue planning to dissertate. Even dissertate! However, all that time keep thinking about other stuff that would be more fun to do. Some of it might even be work-related, perhaps even another writing project (which is really "projects" in my case). Plan all of those things one would rather be doing as reward when X amount of writing is finished. Of course X is an unrealistic estimate but continue to think that it'll serve as motivation to get more done by prompting oneself to officially kick one's butt into gear. Not do what one planned to do - or not enough of it. Feel resentful because the other stuff wasn't done that would have been more fun - but of course it wasn't deserved, well or otherwise - because the dissertation didn't get as much attention as it ought to have. Day ends. Start anew with the (mistaken and surprisingly naive?) commitment for the next day to be different.
And somehow in the midst of many days like this it does eventually get done. Speaking of which, back to 'it'!
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Super Tuesday
Here it is! If you're a US citizen and reside in a state that is holding primaries today I urge you to go out and vote. I'm planning on casting my vote in the next hour or so.
I'll be the first to admit that I didn't know until recently whom to vote for. That's probably why I haven't been as active in this election as I was with the last presidential race. Last time, while the Democrats duked it out, I knew I wanted to go with John Kerry - and I did. This time has been markedly different for me. All I knew was that I wanted to vote - there's something about it that I love with the kind of childish hope and faith that I think participating in a democracy ought to be about. The belief and feeling that one has a role to play in one's political future does feel powerful and encouraging. Yes I recognize that I'm just one vote - but a few "one votes" can be critical as we've seen in recent elections. I'll admit that I really became more of an Edwards supporter over the last couple of months and wish he'd stayed through Super Tuesday to see how things transpired. But he probably made that decision because he believed it was the better one. I've never been a big fan of Senator Hillary Clinton - one part of me wanted to support her because it'd be nice to see a woman be president. But that's not what this should be about - or so I happen to think. I've been in angst about this but watching the debates over the last few weeks I've decided that I'm more committed to what Obama has to offer. I also agree that it's about time that politicking changed a bit - we're in desperate need of new blood and a fresh perspective. Also, Obama seems less like he's running for office (which is what Sen. Clinton seems to be doing all the time) and more like he's passionate and inspired from the heart and from the gut.
I'll post more some other time about the reasons why we gravitate towards calling someone (an actor, a presidential candidate, a significant other, a teacher, what have you) or something (a film, a TV show, a restaurant, you name it) "the best" and what arguing about this "best" is all about.
For now, I better complete my work so I can get to the polling booth before it gets crowded.
Happy Voting all!
I'll be the first to admit that I didn't know until recently whom to vote for. That's probably why I haven't been as active in this election as I was with the last presidential race. Last time, while the Democrats duked it out, I knew I wanted to go with John Kerry - and I did. This time has been markedly different for me. All I knew was that I wanted to vote - there's something about it that I love with the kind of childish hope and faith that I think participating in a democracy ought to be about. The belief and feeling that one has a role to play in one's political future does feel powerful and encouraging. Yes I recognize that I'm just one vote - but a few "one votes" can be critical as we've seen in recent elections. I'll admit that I really became more of an Edwards supporter over the last couple of months and wish he'd stayed through Super Tuesday to see how things transpired. But he probably made that decision because he believed it was the better one. I've never been a big fan of Senator Hillary Clinton - one part of me wanted to support her because it'd be nice to see a woman be president. But that's not what this should be about - or so I happen to think. I've been in angst about this but watching the debates over the last few weeks I've decided that I'm more committed to what Obama has to offer. I also agree that it's about time that politicking changed a bit - we're in desperate need of new blood and a fresh perspective. Also, Obama seems less like he's running for office (which is what Sen. Clinton seems to be doing all the time) and more like he's passionate and inspired from the heart and from the gut.
I'll post more some other time about the reasons why we gravitate towards calling someone (an actor, a presidential candidate, a significant other, a teacher, what have you) or something (a film, a TV show, a restaurant, you name it) "the best" and what arguing about this "best" is all about.
For now, I better complete my work so I can get to the polling booth before it gets crowded.
Happy Voting all!
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