I was sent a link to this site called GenderAnalyzer by a friend. You type in the URL for a blog and the site determines whether the blog is being written by a man or a woman. My result? 76% man.
Plausible explanation other than being just plain wrong (and I say this because while Asad is a man he remains MIA on this blog) - perhaps if you claim to be 'bionic' it makes you a man or at least a manly woman.
I'd love to know how they came up with their analytical criteria. Well love might be too strong...let's just say I'm curious.
All I'm going to say is that I'm expecting my honorary penis in the mail in 4-5 business days!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Universal Children's Day & Faiz Ahmed Faiz's Death Anniversary
Although I knew it was Faiz's death anniversary today, I wasn't actually aware that Universal Children's Day is also being observed today.
Why is that important to me?
I'm reminded now of the first poem that I actually read by Faiz titled "Subh-e-Azadi" or "The Dawn of Freedom":
These tarnished rays, this night smudged light –
This is not that Dawn for which, ravished with freedom,
we had set out in sheer longing,
so sure that somewhere in its desert the sky harbored
a final haven for the stars, and we would find it. . . .
Now listen to the terrible rampant lie:
Light has forever been severed from the Dark;
Our feet, it is heard, are now one with their goal.
See our leaders polish their manner clean of suffering:
Indeed we must confess only to bliss;
we must surrender any utterance for the Beloved – all yearning is outlawed.
But the heart, the eye, the yet deeper heart –
Still ablaze for the Beloved, their turmoil shines.
In the lantern by the road the flame is stalled for news:
Did the morning breeze ever come? Where has it gone?
Night weighs us down, it still weighs us down.
Friends, come away from this false light. Come, we must search for that promised Dawn.
It's a poem that haunts me - in a strangely optimistic way - and also inspires me. It makes me think about where Pakistan is today, of the promises of 1947, and perhaps the promises that we need to revisit and even revise today to get close to the dream that was and align it with reality.
I can't help but think about this poem in the context of Universal Children's Day. Ever since 2001 when the present war began in Afghanistan, every time I've gone back to Karachi I've met the same little boy on the same intersection - for those who are familiar it's the right turn on Khayaban-e-Shamsheer that heads towards Zamzama. Every year he has a new "scheme" to make money. He has no-one. He doesn't know where his parents are. He doesn't dream of seeing them again nor does he lament over that he might never see them again. Thousands of cars pass him by everyday without perhaps noticing him or dismissing him with the slight of hand - a gesture oft-used to shoo away beggars. Unlike others who sell flowers on the road or religious books or balloons, this kid markets his own creations. And when someone dismisses him he doesn't bat an eyelid and picks up where he left off. He chases cars. He dodges the cars as soon as the traffic light turns green - sometimes whizzing in between speeding cars one wonders how he's even alive. He refuses to accept charity. He wants to earn his way as best he can and as best he knows. He collects old school books that folks throw away to continue his education. He even looks out for the other refugee kids that beg at this traffic light. He loves to narrate stories. And in this nomadic existence, he's nurtured solid friendships - of which I'd like to think one is between him and me. He's a fighter, he has resilience, he has vision, and most of all he has faith not that things will be all right but that they're quite good as is.
I think about his face when I think about the millions of kids on streets worldwide. And I wonder when we will, to use Faiz, "search for that promised Dawn" when these kids have a better life to relish....
Why is that important to me?
I'm reminded now of the first poem that I actually read by Faiz titled "Subh-e-Azadi" or "The Dawn of Freedom":
These tarnished rays, this night smudged light –
This is not that Dawn for which, ravished with freedom,
we had set out in sheer longing,
so sure that somewhere in its desert the sky harbored
a final haven for the stars, and we would find it. . . .
Now listen to the terrible rampant lie:
Light has forever been severed from the Dark;
Our feet, it is heard, are now one with their goal.
See our leaders polish their manner clean of suffering:
Indeed we must confess only to bliss;
we must surrender any utterance for the Beloved – all yearning is outlawed.
But the heart, the eye, the yet deeper heart –
Still ablaze for the Beloved, their turmoil shines.
In the lantern by the road the flame is stalled for news:
Did the morning breeze ever come? Where has it gone?
Night weighs us down, it still weighs us down.
Friends, come away from this false light. Come, we must search for that promised Dawn.
It's a poem that haunts me - in a strangely optimistic way - and also inspires me. It makes me think about where Pakistan is today, of the promises of 1947, and perhaps the promises that we need to revisit and even revise today to get close to the dream that was and align it with reality.
I can't help but think about this poem in the context of Universal Children's Day. Ever since 2001 when the present war began in Afghanistan, every time I've gone back to Karachi I've met the same little boy on the same intersection - for those who are familiar it's the right turn on Khayaban-e-Shamsheer that heads towards Zamzama. Every year he has a new "scheme" to make money. He has no-one. He doesn't know where his parents are. He doesn't dream of seeing them again nor does he lament over that he might never see them again. Thousands of cars pass him by everyday without perhaps noticing him or dismissing him with the slight of hand - a gesture oft-used to shoo away beggars. Unlike others who sell flowers on the road or religious books or balloons, this kid markets his own creations. And when someone dismisses him he doesn't bat an eyelid and picks up where he left off. He chases cars. He dodges the cars as soon as the traffic light turns green - sometimes whizzing in between speeding cars one wonders how he's even alive. He refuses to accept charity. He wants to earn his way as best he can and as best he knows. He collects old school books that folks throw away to continue his education. He even looks out for the other refugee kids that beg at this traffic light. He loves to narrate stories. And in this nomadic existence, he's nurtured solid friendships - of which I'd like to think one is between him and me. He's a fighter, he has resilience, he has vision, and most of all he has faith not that things will be all right but that they're quite good as is.
I think about his face when I think about the millions of kids on streets worldwide. And I wonder when we will, to use Faiz, "search for that promised Dawn" when these kids have a better life to relish....
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Yes We Did!
Behold the 44th President of the United States of America: President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama!
Color me elated and exhilarated. And currently battling the stupor and dragging-of-derriere that follows celebrating into the wee hours of the morning. More thoughts later...
Color me elated and exhilarated. And currently battling the stupor and dragging-of-derriere that follows celebrating into the wee hours of the morning. More thoughts later...
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Election Day 2008
I'd planned to write a longer post reflecting on my responses to the campaign and the upcoming election - but for now this short one because I'm off to vote and volunteer. If you are a US citizen and registered to vote, please do so.
And a shameless yet earnest plug for the candidate who has inspired the hearts and minds of millions: Please vote for Senator Barack Obama for the next US President.
More thoughts later....again please vote! Go Obama!
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Classic Dames Test
I'm not quite sure what to make of this...perhaps because I promised myself that this would be just a 5 minutes break from The Bane Of My Existence. I promise a "real" post later this week.
Your result for The Classic Dames Test...
Myrna Loy
You scored 26% grit, 43% wit, 10% flair, and 38% class!
You are loaded with a quirky kind of class that people find irresistable. Men turn and look at you admiringly as you walk down the street, and even your rivals have a grudging respect for you. You usually know the right thing to say, do and, of course, wear. You can take charge of a situation when things get out of hand, and you do it with great poise and chic. Your wit and sense of fun endear you to your partner and every other man in the room. Your screen partners include William Powell and Cary Grant. You're quite a catch...if you want to be caught.
Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the
Classic Leading Man Test.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
No longer MIA...well kinda
Guess who's back?! I know it's been eerily quiet out here on 30-30. Long story short, I left for a vacation and decided to stay on hiatus from blogging and non-urgent e-mails. Just primarily for the sake of my sanity to be honest.
I'm back. The dissertation beast is awake so I might not be posting as regularly as I'd want to for the next couple of weeks. But yes I do want to write a couple of posts about being back in Pakistan after a long(?) gap of 2 1/2 years.
Anyhow, just wanted to shout out a hello to everyone. Hope you've all been doing well in all sorts of ways.
I'm back. The dissertation beast is awake so I might not be posting as regularly as I'd want to for the next couple of weeks. But yes I do want to write a couple of posts about being back in Pakistan after a long(?) gap of 2 1/2 years.
Anyhow, just wanted to shout out a hello to everyone. Hope you've all been doing well in all sorts of ways.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Despair not...
To all of you dissertators and anybody else struggling with anything for a while now...some words of inspiration and perhaps inspire your courage anew...it certainly helped me gather the determination I lost last week to finish:
"People usually fail when they are on the verge of success. So give as much care to the end as to the beginning."
– Lao-Tzu
Onwards and forwards!
"People usually fail when they are on the verge of success. So give as much care to the end as to the beginning."
– Lao-Tzu
Onwards and forwards!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
A Quote This Tuesday Morning
"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens."
– Carl Jung
As I've mentioned several times before on this blog, I subscribe to a service through which I get quotes in my e-mail everyday. I've shared some of the ones that have inspired me or that got me thinking. Here's another one.
What struck me about this is in the context of experiences I've had over the last couple of years in particular. And as I look back retrospectively, I can't help but nod my head vigorously. I've noticed that I'm happiest and most fulfilled when I actually have the courage to listen to what my heart tells me to do. Otherwise I feel stuck and stagnant. Surprisingly, that gets more difficult as we get older - or so it seems. I know that I think more about what I have to do or what I'm expected to do then what I want to do. Luckily there isn't always a conflict between the two. But when there is, that's when things get hairy, yes? I don't mean "listening to the heart" in an hedonistic, completely ruled by the id kind of way. But I'm a big believer - or rather have become since I was about 27/28 - that our hearts and guts know what's best for us instantaneously. It takes a while for our minds to catch up to it. That's been my experience at least.
Your thoughts?
– Carl Jung
As I've mentioned several times before on this blog, I subscribe to a service through which I get quotes in my e-mail everyday. I've shared some of the ones that have inspired me or that got me thinking. Here's another one.
What struck me about this is in the context of experiences I've had over the last couple of years in particular. And as I look back retrospectively, I can't help but nod my head vigorously. I've noticed that I'm happiest and most fulfilled when I actually have the courage to listen to what my heart tells me to do. Otherwise I feel stuck and stagnant. Surprisingly, that gets more difficult as we get older - or so it seems. I know that I think more about what I have to do or what I'm expected to do then what I want to do. Luckily there isn't always a conflict between the two. But when there is, that's when things get hairy, yes? I don't mean "listening to the heart" in an hedonistic, completely ruled by the id kind of way. But I'm a big believer - or rather have become since I was about 27/28 - that our hearts and guts know what's best for us instantaneously. It takes a while for our minds to catch up to it. That's been my experience at least.
Your thoughts?
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
2 dissertating challenges
Since I'm still here :-), I wanted to share 2 more thoughts. The first is an overall challenge while dissertating. The second thought is specific to my empirical chapters but one can conceivably extend it to the rest of the dissertating experience.
1. The hardest thing, time and again, heck I'd say day in and day out is the ABCD rule. That is, Apply Butt to Chair and Dissertate. Even when there is momentum. Even when you finish a chapter. Even after a particularly good writing day. It takes every ounce of strength and willpower to sit down in front of your laptop/computer/what have you each time and click on that icon on the desktop that represents the document you're currently working on. I think the clicking of the document is very tough. Those seconds between moving your finger over the trackpad to the click to the opening of an in-progress document - worse still if you're starting a new document - that's just when I end up feeling the urge to flight. Once it's open I think I breathe more easy and feel like I can tackle this. A productive morning doesn't automatically translate into the desire to sit down and continue the same rhythm in the afternoon. I wonder why that is. I suspect because it's intimidating to stare at a blank screen not knowing how much you'll write today or if you'll write anything that's usable. The latter is the most difficult - when you know you're putting in the time and the output, although helpful in working through an argument, isn't going to end up in the category of "finished dissertation pages" can be rather frustrating. Personally, I need pin drop silence to write and process. So it means being sort of a recluse. Hmm not just sort of. Not that I have trouble being myself and I cherish my "me-time" I do crave social interactions. That I currently seem to be starving myself on that front might be why I'm feeling so worn out. But I also know that I have to be strong through this or it isn't getting done - not just by the deadline I have in mind but not at all. And I'll be damned if I have this stretch out a few months longer because I just don't have the mental or emotional energy to continue feeling as stagnant as dissertating can feel. [Nopes I'm not bitter but I am restless.]
2. I'm currently writing a chapter that is based on original field research. I have a lot more interviews than I can conceivably include. I've made peace with that. Of the ones I thought I'd include until last week, well let's just say it would be overkill if I included all of them. I've noticed that, on average, the analysis of each interview is ranging about 20 pages. If I include all 11, well you do the math. So I'm working on cutting down the number. And it's almost like asking a parent of more than one kid who their favorite child is. I have no magical formula how to decide which ones to include and which to exclude. It's not just about page length. I suspect they get redundant real quickly in terms of the overall argument. The minute details are fun but not critical to moving the argument along. To be honest, the practical side of me concurs with a serious editing of that list of 11 - because having fewer to analyze means the deadline becomes attainable. In this worn out state, that consideration is part of the calculation. Of course then I end up feeling guilty. So I review my analysis again and it also makes intellectual sense. The challenge here is not about overcoming the guilt - or at least it's not what I'm focusing on. I have figured out what to do, more or less, for this current chapter. It might mean ignoring 2 interviews that I was really excited about but could well be a stand-alone chapter on a sub-topic within the dissertation in terms of the empirical sites I'm looking at. That the interviews of these individuals are of retired military officers and I'd planned for 'the military' to be a separate chapter in my dissertation but dropped the idea since I didn't have enough interviews to do that because of access issues [long story that I really don't feel like revisiting right now]. However, I could change these into a spin-off piece in the form of a journal article so it's not like I won't work on them ever. Nonetheless, what's difficult is that you do so much work and so little makes it to the dissertation project that it feels akin to a major letdown. Again I understand that it's not like I could have found a magic shortcut along the way and what feels like meandering is just part of the process and how it works. Still, that it never figures in can be heart-breaking and gut-wrenching.
Enough ranting/blogging, now I must open the file for chapter 5. Wish me luck!
1. The hardest thing, time and again, heck I'd say day in and day out is the ABCD rule. That is, Apply Butt to Chair and Dissertate. Even when there is momentum. Even when you finish a chapter. Even after a particularly good writing day. It takes every ounce of strength and willpower to sit down in front of your laptop/computer/what have you each time and click on that icon on the desktop that represents the document you're currently working on. I think the clicking of the document is very tough. Those seconds between moving your finger over the trackpad to the click to the opening of an in-progress document - worse still if you're starting a new document - that's just when I end up feeling the urge to flight. Once it's open I think I breathe more easy and feel like I can tackle this. A productive morning doesn't automatically translate into the desire to sit down and continue the same rhythm in the afternoon. I wonder why that is. I suspect because it's intimidating to stare at a blank screen not knowing how much you'll write today or if you'll write anything that's usable. The latter is the most difficult - when you know you're putting in the time and the output, although helpful in working through an argument, isn't going to end up in the category of "finished dissertation pages" can be rather frustrating. Personally, I need pin drop silence to write and process. So it means being sort of a recluse. Hmm not just sort of. Not that I have trouble being myself and I cherish my "me-time" I do crave social interactions. That I currently seem to be starving myself on that front might be why I'm feeling so worn out. But I also know that I have to be strong through this or it isn't getting done - not just by the deadline I have in mind but not at all. And I'll be damned if I have this stretch out a few months longer because I just don't have the mental or emotional energy to continue feeling as stagnant as dissertating can feel. [Nopes I'm not bitter but I am restless.]
2. I'm currently writing a chapter that is based on original field research. I have a lot more interviews than I can conceivably include. I've made peace with that. Of the ones I thought I'd include until last week, well let's just say it would be overkill if I included all of them. I've noticed that, on average, the analysis of each interview is ranging about 20 pages. If I include all 11, well you do the math. So I'm working on cutting down the number. And it's almost like asking a parent of more than one kid who their favorite child is. I have no magical formula how to decide which ones to include and which to exclude. It's not just about page length. I suspect they get redundant real quickly in terms of the overall argument. The minute details are fun but not critical to moving the argument along. To be honest, the practical side of me concurs with a serious editing of that list of 11 - because having fewer to analyze means the deadline becomes attainable. In this worn out state, that consideration is part of the calculation. Of course then I end up feeling guilty. So I review my analysis again and it also makes intellectual sense. The challenge here is not about overcoming the guilt - or at least it's not what I'm focusing on. I have figured out what to do, more or less, for this current chapter. It might mean ignoring 2 interviews that I was really excited about but could well be a stand-alone chapter on a sub-topic within the dissertation in terms of the empirical sites I'm looking at. That the interviews of these individuals are of retired military officers and I'd planned for 'the military' to be a separate chapter in my dissertation but dropped the idea since I didn't have enough interviews to do that because of access issues [long story that I really don't feel like revisiting right now]. However, I could change these into a spin-off piece in the form of a journal article so it's not like I won't work on them ever. Nonetheless, what's difficult is that you do so much work and so little makes it to the dissertation project that it feels akin to a major letdown. Again I understand that it's not like I could have found a magic shortcut along the way and what feels like meandering is just part of the process and how it works. Still, that it never figures in can be heart-breaking and gut-wrenching.
Enough ranting/blogging, now I must open the file for chapter 5. Wish me luck!
Update: yesterday + dissertating
So I did manage to get some work done. I didn't spend a lot of time and remained rather frazzled but I got out a draft of one of the interviews I'm analyzing - excerpts and discussion included. Not entirely bad.
Still, it remains rather Herculean as a challenge in terms of the timeline I'm looking at. And for various reasons I h-a-v-e to stick to those deadlines and somehow make it all happen.
Still, it remains rather Herculean as a challenge in terms of the timeline I'm looking at. And for various reasons I h-a-v-e to stick to those deadlines and somehow make it all happen.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Feeling rather un-bionic
So I guess I ended up jinxing it. Or I'm just plain tired and am looking for a more meaningful excuse than being unable to work.
I've been working hard so I don't feel guilty about not having clocked a single minute on my dissertation thus far today. But I am feeling anxious - and that's making the "I don't want to write" feeling worse.
On days like these I wonder why I was drawn to all of this because I enjoy thinking and writing. I don't enjoy it all the time.
Or perhaps this is how I get when I'm starting to work on a chapter because it all seems fuzzy.
Lots of possible be-'causes' I guess...I just wish I could work. I could take a mental health day but I don't really feel like taking time off because I wish I could just work. Hmm perhaps just wishing it will make it happen, yes?
Well I guess I still have the day left...I could give it a shot. I think I'm really worn out though because I've been at it rather maniacally - at this point I'm literally dreaming my dissertation or to-do list connected to the dissertation. So I wake up already exhausted to be honest.
Hmm I can't even seem to write a straight rant. I'll let you know tomorrow if I was able to work.
I've been working hard so I don't feel guilty about not having clocked a single minute on my dissertation thus far today. But I am feeling anxious - and that's making the "I don't want to write" feeling worse.
On days like these I wonder why I was drawn to all of this because I enjoy thinking and writing. I don't enjoy it all the time.
Or perhaps this is how I get when I'm starting to work on a chapter because it all seems fuzzy.
Lots of possible be-'causes' I guess...I just wish I could work. I could take a mental health day but I don't really feel like taking time off because I wish I could just work. Hmm perhaps just wishing it will make it happen, yes?
Well I guess I still have the day left...I could give it a shot. I think I'm really worn out though because I've been at it rather maniacally - at this point I'm literally dreaming my dissertation or to-do list connected to the dissertation. So I wake up already exhausted to be honest.
Hmm I can't even seem to write a straight rant. I'll let you know tomorrow if I was able to work.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Did it! And doing it...
'It' being the chapter I was running late on that I blogged about in my previous post.
I also mentioned a significant accomplishment coming up earlier here. Well I've completed 4 chapters, have 3 more to edit and 1 to write from scratch. Of the "3 more" to edit, 2 of the 3 are in more decent shape. So really 1 is kind of going to be written from scratch more or less. Also, of these 3, there's one set of interviews that I've never really incorporated in my analysis in any systematic way so that means quite a bit of work.
So if I'm MIA you know where I am. Please send me good vibes so that I can finish these drafts by the date I have planned. [Nopes not divulging because whenever I do I think I tend to jinx it myself.]
A very dear friend and colleague who also posts his comments on this blog as "anonymous" wrote to me that once there are 3 chapters in the box you know it's getting done. From his mouth (technically, typeface) to God's ears as well as my fingers. [Thanks "anonymous".]
Okay gotta go put my dissertating shoes on and get to it!
I also mentioned a significant accomplishment coming up earlier here. Well I've completed 4 chapters, have 3 more to edit and 1 to write from scratch. Of the "3 more" to edit, 2 of the 3 are in more decent shape. So really 1 is kind of going to be written from scratch more or less. Also, of these 3, there's one set of interviews that I've never really incorporated in my analysis in any systematic way so that means quite a bit of work.
So if I'm MIA you know where I am. Please send me good vibes so that I can finish these drafts by the date I have planned. [Nopes not divulging because whenever I do I think I tend to jinx it myself.]
A very dear friend and colleague who also posts his comments on this blog as "anonymous" wrote to me that once there are 3 chapters in the box you know it's getting done. From his mouth (technically, typeface) to God's ears as well as my fingers. [Thanks "anonymous".]
Okay gotta go put my dissertating shoes on and get to it!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Another day, another missed deadline
So the chapter I would have been ecstatic to finish yesterday is going to eat up all of today and, yes let's be realistic, a decent chunk of tomorrow unless I truly develop some bionic dissertating skills that I currently lack.
No I'm holding the perfectionism at bay so that's not it. Perhaps I'm just too optimistic with my estimations of how long it'll take me to finish something just because I'm so eager to no longer be dissertating. And in that eagerness I forget to allow myself the bad day where I don't want to dissertate because my brain no longer wants to process this darn thing or because I have the flu or because we have guests or just like that. Or maybe the estimation is realistic at the time but as I write those what happens is that new ideas (I used to call them green points aka my own little flashes of intellectual wonder - or so I like to think - but on the days they end up making me spend more time writing I'm less than fond of them while I also love them...sigh...ambivalence) pop into my head and I know they'd improve the argument and make it more substantive.
Either way you look at it, for better or worse, it's taking me longer than I had hoped to finish this chapter. That I'm working to a deadline (nopes I refuse to share it with the blogosphere right now because I don't want to jinx it) makes me anxious when things take extra days. It's a self-enforced deadline and it's connected to being able to take a vacation - so it is hard and fast in that I really deserve the latter and am craving it.
So back to the proverbial drawing board. Coz it ain't getting done by me blogging away :-). I'll be back!
No I'm holding the perfectionism at bay so that's not it. Perhaps I'm just too optimistic with my estimations of how long it'll take me to finish something just because I'm so eager to no longer be dissertating. And in that eagerness I forget to allow myself the bad day where I don't want to dissertate because my brain no longer wants to process this darn thing or because I have the flu or because we have guests or just like that. Or maybe the estimation is realistic at the time but as I write those what happens is that new ideas (I used to call them green points aka my own little flashes of intellectual wonder - or so I like to think - but on the days they end up making me spend more time writing I'm less than fond of them while I also love them...sigh...ambivalence) pop into my head and I know they'd improve the argument and make it more substantive.
Either way you look at it, for better or worse, it's taking me longer than I had hoped to finish this chapter. That I'm working to a deadline (nopes I refuse to share it with the blogosphere right now because I don't want to jinx it) makes me anxious when things take extra days. It's a self-enforced deadline and it's connected to being able to take a vacation - so it is hard and fast in that I really deserve the latter and am craving it.
So back to the proverbial drawing board. Coz it ain't getting done by me blogging away :-). I'll be back!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Another chapter sent
Yay me! I submitted the aforementioned methodology chapter to my chair day before yesterday and I swear it feels pretty darn good. More so because that's the chapter that sets the stage for me to be me without continuously having to justify the rationale for the project - from this point on I get to do the project which is liberating.
As far as completion is concerned, I'm coming up on a significant milestone...although not THE milestone but a pretty good one. Stay tuned for details shortly.
As far as completion is concerned, I'm coming up on a significant milestone...although not THE milestone but a pretty good one. Stay tuned for details shortly.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
The Pursuit of Gadgetic Happiness
1. I got a new iPhone 3G on Saturday the 12th which means I get to play with it instead of lusting after it. A million thanks to the parents for the present :-). It really is the funkiest piece of technology in recent years. I highly recommend it. My favorite feature? Currently deciding!
2. I also (finally!) put paranoia aside and upgraded to Leopard despite still being in Dissertationistan. Also loving Leopard with the only possible exceptions being the currently uncooperative iPhoto (which isn't that big a deal) and adjusting to the fact that the font in which I was writing my dissertation (New York) has suddenly disappeared. Let's just say the disorientation is making me uncomfortable.
Enough of an update, now back to finishing the chapter I ought to have on Saturday to deserve all of the retail therapy I'm currently enjoying.
2. I also (finally!) put paranoia aside and upgraded to Leopard despite still being in Dissertationistan. Also loving Leopard with the only possible exceptions being the currently uncooperative iPhoto (which isn't that big a deal) and adjusting to the fact that the font in which I was writing my dissertation (New York) has suddenly disappeared. Let's just say the disorientation is making me uncomfortable.
Enough of an update, now back to finishing the chapter I ought to have on Saturday to deserve all of the retail therapy I'm currently enjoying.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Why a Ph.D?
I've thought about this before. I've even posted about it before - if not on this particular blog then elsewhere in the blogosphere. I've talked about it with many of our readers here at LTLWI. But I don't think I've ever really had the perspective (being in the thick of things) or the courage to admit what I'm about to share right now.
This is going to sound incredibly self-indulgent for someone who isn't going to have a trust fund kick in. But it is the truth.
I did this because I love to think and write. I love being able to produce a tight narrative - one that moves people or forces them to think. [Relevant aside: I will add here that I love to write but not necessarily dissertate - and no I won't elaborate on that until I'm done with PhDing - not for any other reason but I just don't think I need to process it and risk a crisis of thought in a swirling vortex of anything remotely negative.]
I was able to do it for these reasons entirely because of my parents' support. Their objective for me as their offspring as far as education/schooling was concerned was that they wanted me to become an educated person capable of thinking. To them, college was a place where one went to learn how to think rather than be trained in a particular vocation. I respect and value their thoughts; more than that I love them for subscribing to this notion instead of being typical Pakistani/South Asian parents who can only see their kids growing up as doctors or lawyers or engineers. I love that they gave me the freedom to be able to use my brains. And this whole PhDing has been the ultimate space to nurture that kind of experience - this is not to say that that is it's only reality but it certainly is what the whole endeavor is about...so long as you find the right people or seek the right people to sustain the ideal.
And so, while I'm not exactly done - although I'm close but sometimes proximity can present itself as an overwhelming distance - I know that I would do it over. Well perhaps not in exactly the same way but I, despite obstacles and frustrations, have loved the experience. And to be perfectly honest, that which aggravated me about this process and continues to is only so if I think I'm in it for other reasons. But when I manage to remain in touch with my 'real' reason for doing this, I'm grateful and thankful to have had this opportunity. And for anyone else thinking about pursuing this path for the same reason, and only this, then I'd highly recommend it.
Now, back to dissertating. I have to finish working on a chapter that's due July 11. Wish me luck.
This is going to sound incredibly self-indulgent for someone who isn't going to have a trust fund kick in. But it is the truth.
I did this because I love to think and write. I love being able to produce a tight narrative - one that moves people or forces them to think. [Relevant aside: I will add here that I love to write but not necessarily dissertate - and no I won't elaborate on that until I'm done with PhDing - not for any other reason but I just don't think I need to process it and risk a crisis of thought in a swirling vortex of anything remotely negative.]
I was able to do it for these reasons entirely because of my parents' support. Their objective for me as their offspring as far as education/schooling was concerned was that they wanted me to become an educated person capable of thinking. To them, college was a place where one went to learn how to think rather than be trained in a particular vocation. I respect and value their thoughts; more than that I love them for subscribing to this notion instead of being typical Pakistani/South Asian parents who can only see their kids growing up as doctors or lawyers or engineers. I love that they gave me the freedom to be able to use my brains. And this whole PhDing has been the ultimate space to nurture that kind of experience - this is not to say that that is it's only reality but it certainly is what the whole endeavor is about...so long as you find the right people or seek the right people to sustain the ideal.
And so, while I'm not exactly done - although I'm close but sometimes proximity can present itself as an overwhelming distance - I know that I would do it over. Well perhaps not in exactly the same way but I, despite obstacles and frustrations, have loved the experience. And to be perfectly honest, that which aggravated me about this process and continues to is only so if I think I'm in it for other reasons. But when I manage to remain in touch with my 'real' reason for doing this, I'm grateful and thankful to have had this opportunity. And for anyone else thinking about pursuing this path for the same reason, and only this, then I'd highly recommend it.
Now, back to dissertating. I have to finish working on a chapter that's due July 11. Wish me luck.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Dissertation Update OR "Three in One Day!"
I seem to be on some kind of blogging overkill today! Tons of thoughts - must share I guess. Or perhaps I'm just overcompensating for something akin to a major disappearance act from the blogopsphere that I will be pulling since I have 2 major deadlines to meet before we get to the long Independence day week-end in the US next week. Also, July is going to be a bitch and not in a fun way.
Despite being hit by fever and the sniffles most of last week, I, in my state of considerable delusion induced by antibiotics, came up with what I think is a kick-ass way to organize and execute the present draft of my methodology chapter. That it started raining just as I typed this sentence might (might) be a sign that I'm progressing in the right direction - or so says the myth that circulates in my Ph.D. program and perhaps even the 'Pakistani' part of my identity. Anyhow, I digress. This epiphany couldn't have come at a better time since I spent a couple of days firmly ensconced in despondency over this chapter. It isn't the first draft by any means or even the second or third. I felt like I should know what to do with it and just simply couldn't tell. But, as I said, it's currently kick-ass. So I better get my butt in gear (hmm what's with all the words having to do with posteriors?) and start working before I can officially kick off the week-end this afternoon.
How's the rest of the blogosphere holding up?
Despite being hit by fever and the sniffles most of last week, I, in my state of considerable delusion induced by antibiotics, came up with what I think is a kick-ass way to organize and execute the present draft of my methodology chapter. That it started raining just as I typed this sentence might (might) be a sign that I'm progressing in the right direction - or so says the myth that circulates in my Ph.D. program and perhaps even the 'Pakistani' part of my identity. Anyhow, I digress. This epiphany couldn't have come at a better time since I spent a couple of days firmly ensconced in despondency over this chapter. It isn't the first draft by any means or even the second or third. I felt like I should know what to do with it and just simply couldn't tell. But, as I said, it's currently kick-ass. So I better get my butt in gear (hmm what's with all the words having to do with posteriors?) and start working before I can officially kick off the week-end this afternoon.
How's the rest of the blogosphere holding up?
Of Resolutions
Over a year ago, I made a resolution to cleanse my life of all relationships that were somehow toxic. An example would be friendships that were more a habit or compulsion than actual connections. Or perhaps relationships that always had me down more than up. I've more or less accomplished that. Okay what I really mean is I have actually accomplished that absent those relationships which according to, "the world", I can't walk away from. I've made my peace that and keep my contact to a bare minimum.
So now it's time for a new resolution that pertains not to my personal life but my professional one.
I've noticed that ever since I was a kid I have a really difficult time completing projects very close to the finish line if they have been part of my daily rhythm for too long. I get restless. I crave change. I want variety. For example, I'd do well in school all year long but I'd lose focus when it came to finals. Another example is my dissertation - I start writing a chapter and it's always the last couple of sections that trip me up. Either I don't finish them or write crappy bullet points to get it over with. I don't know if it's because the perfectionist in me gets intimated - some might say that. I really think it's just as simple as being bored. Although the perfectionism thing isn't completely off base. I work so hard in the beginning and maniacally to the point of exclusion of all else that I lose the fire by the time I near the finish line. So my new resolution is to work through the boredom or not let myself get to that point by curbing the perfectionist in me. Where am I going to try this first? Duh - the dissertation! Stay tuned - I won't promise regular updates but there will definitely be an announcement when I finish :-).
So now it's time for a new resolution that pertains not to my personal life but my professional one.
I've noticed that ever since I was a kid I have a really difficult time completing projects very close to the finish line if they have been part of my daily rhythm for too long. I get restless. I crave change. I want variety. For example, I'd do well in school all year long but I'd lose focus when it came to finals. Another example is my dissertation - I start writing a chapter and it's always the last couple of sections that trip me up. Either I don't finish them or write crappy bullet points to get it over with. I don't know if it's because the perfectionist in me gets intimated - some might say that. I really think it's just as simple as being bored. Although the perfectionism thing isn't completely off base. I work so hard in the beginning and maniacally to the point of exclusion of all else that I lose the fire by the time I near the finish line. So my new resolution is to work through the boredom or not let myself get to that point by curbing the perfectionist in me. Where am I going to try this first? Duh - the dissertation! Stay tuned - I won't promise regular updates but there will definitely be an announcement when I finish :-).
Black? White? Both? Other colors?
An e-mail exchange over the last 2 days with "anonymous" got me thinking about ambiguities and wanting to make things neat.
Let me try to explain.
I don't know how consciously this happens or if the recognition of it is any more conscious than its development but there comes a time, when we've had some amount of life experiences, that we have what we would describe as 'fully-fleshed out opinions or ideas' on the stuff that life is made of. As time passes, perhaps sometimes we get used to thinking that way. Then something happens and you're forced to revisit what you think - not because you necessarily need to change your thought since life has thrown you a curve ball. That's not what I have in mind. What I'm thinking of perhaps is more along the lines when in the course of an ordinary conversation one thing leads to another and the next thing you know you're deliberately contemplating an opinion, an idea, a belief, a value, a habit of living perhaps.
I tend towards "in-between" as a default position when it comes to most things. I don't mean non-committal or balanced but I'd like to think that where I end up is in a zone that doesn't want to necessarily see things as black or white. In other words, I'd like to think that I'm comfortable with ambivalence. That, unlike my desire to have any motifs on my bedding facing the head or everything on my desk at a right angle, that when it comes to meaningful life stuff I'm okay when things aren't neat.
And I am.
However, when I try to express my opinions or thoughts I try to neaten them up. I beat the "gray" or "other colors" out of them and package them as "black or white". Why do I/we do that? Are we so hung up on conventional forms of rationality that our communication patterns center around that? Or perhaps it's the way language works - a tool that was intended to resolve uncertainty. I'd say perhaps it's the way language is - a tool of the brain that doesn't quite capture what the heart feels or the gut senses. But then again I've read beautiful poetry that does exactly that. So perhaps it's me - or us if you dwell in the same space on this.
Why and when do we rush to neatness? I'll speak for myself. Is it that I want to seem more sure than I am? Or rather, I want to disguise what others might recognize as uncertainty when it really is a more solid certain than I'm letting on.
Before I go on, I'm not angsting. Just thinking through a train of thought and blogging about it.
So where was I before that disclaimer?
Yes...why is it that when we can dwell in what seems like ambiguity or be comfortable in complexity that our conversation or presentation of those ideas tends towards neat matrices of 2x2s or something like that?
I usually end up back in the complexity but why the impulse to start off neat? Any thoughts?
PS - special note to 'anonymous'(although I think that ought to be 'n-anonymous'): Thanks for always engaging and keeping me engaged.
Let me try to explain.
I don't know how consciously this happens or if the recognition of it is any more conscious than its development but there comes a time, when we've had some amount of life experiences, that we have what we would describe as 'fully-fleshed out opinions or ideas' on the stuff that life is made of. As time passes, perhaps sometimes we get used to thinking that way. Then something happens and you're forced to revisit what you think - not because you necessarily need to change your thought since life has thrown you a curve ball. That's not what I have in mind. What I'm thinking of perhaps is more along the lines when in the course of an ordinary conversation one thing leads to another and the next thing you know you're deliberately contemplating an opinion, an idea, a belief, a value, a habit of living perhaps.
I tend towards "in-between" as a default position when it comes to most things. I don't mean non-committal or balanced but I'd like to think that where I end up is in a zone that doesn't want to necessarily see things as black or white. In other words, I'd like to think that I'm comfortable with ambivalence. That, unlike my desire to have any motifs on my bedding facing the head or everything on my desk at a right angle, that when it comes to meaningful life stuff I'm okay when things aren't neat.
And I am.
However, when I try to express my opinions or thoughts I try to neaten them up. I beat the "gray" or "other colors" out of them and package them as "black or white". Why do I/we do that? Are we so hung up on conventional forms of rationality that our communication patterns center around that? Or perhaps it's the way language works - a tool that was intended to resolve uncertainty. I'd say perhaps it's the way language is - a tool of the brain that doesn't quite capture what the heart feels or the gut senses. But then again I've read beautiful poetry that does exactly that. So perhaps it's me - or us if you dwell in the same space on this.
Why and when do we rush to neatness? I'll speak for myself. Is it that I want to seem more sure than I am? Or rather, I want to disguise what others might recognize as uncertainty when it really is a more solid certain than I'm letting on.
Before I go on, I'm not angsting. Just thinking through a train of thought and blogging about it.
So where was I before that disclaimer?
Yes...why is it that when we can dwell in what seems like ambiguity or be comfortable in complexity that our conversation or presentation of those ideas tends towards neat matrices of 2x2s or something like that?
I usually end up back in the complexity but why the impulse to start off neat? Any thoughts?
PS - special note to 'anonymous'(although I think that ought to be 'n-anonymous'): Thanks for always engaging and keeping me engaged.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Yay!
Last night I (finally!) finished a chapter that has been the bane of my existence since I started writing the dissertation actively and that I've continued to avoid for months every time I return to it. Always managing to almost finish a draft but never quite getting the last few pages done. That's how it continued to stand. And now, well, it's done.
Okay just perhaps not done done or I won't know until my committee reads it. But it is definitely the least horrendous version of this particular chapter - and actually has finished sentences and sub-sections!
I'd say yesterday was a good day - what with completing a chapter and one of my very old school friends having a baby (congrats Sam!)
Dare I say onwards? Well after playing a little hookey this afternoon (read: getting my Airport card fixed...this whole sans wireless access thing just isn't fun)
Okay just perhaps not done done or I won't know until my committee reads it. But it is definitely the least horrendous version of this particular chapter - and actually has finished sentences and sub-sections!
I'd say yesterday was a good day - what with completing a chapter and one of my very old school friends having a baby (congrats Sam!)
Dare I say onwards? Well after playing a little hookey this afternoon (read: getting my Airport card fixed...this whole sans wireless access thing just isn't fun)
Friday, June 13, 2008
Which of these 2 choices would you make?
Would you rather be doing nothing to keep space open in your life for that perfect 'thing' (whatever it may be - a job, that special someone or even something relatively mundane like the perfect movie or dessert) or would you rather find something/someone in the meantime and see where life takes you?
What would I do? I guess it depends on the 'thing' in question :-). I'd rather not waste calories on an average dessert - and I mean that both literally and metaphorically ;-). But not always I guess :-)!
Your thoughts blog-readers?
What would I do? I guess it depends on the 'thing' in question :-). I'd rather not waste calories on an average dessert - and I mean that both literally and metaphorically ;-). But not always I guess :-)!
Your thoughts blog-readers?
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Where I am...
...is exactly where I ought to have been if the folks at Blogthings have it right!
You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy) |
 You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer. |
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Getting it done...
Well trying to at least.
I have to admit that I'm sick to death of working on this dissertation project. Probably because it's yet another summer where I'm trying to get it done. I think I will. Rather, I won't allow myself not to.
But, for multiple reasons that shall remain un-blogged, I just don't feel motivated by the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps this has something to do with my own personality traits - if I've been doing something for a while it's always the last few steps that I find challenging. Not because the work that remains is a challenge compared to what I've accomplished on the thing in question up until that point but because I get restless and bored. I was that way in school as far back as first grade even. I'd have all the enthusiasm throughout the year and then we'd have final year-end assessments and I'd be completely distracted and not do as well. Undergrad was like this for me too - I took really easy classes the last semester of the last year and had an incredibly breezy schedule. However, I probably fared the worst most of them except for one (which is the one I actually felt challenged by). I wonder if this is a pattern I need to break. I think I already start thinking ahead to what comes next and what I need to finish up to move on seems to take a backseat. That's probably bad. Especially since the stuff I've worked on in the past had a definitive timeline - exams ended and once you amassed 128 credits successfully you had a Bachelor's degree. Alas PhDing isn't like that. If you ignore that little thing called The Dissertation you don't magically finish but giving it the bare minimum.
And so I must try to be productive this summer even though I'm already daydreaming about what comes next. I'll keep you folks posted on my progress.
I have to admit that I'm sick to death of working on this dissertation project. Probably because it's yet another summer where I'm trying to get it done. I think I will. Rather, I won't allow myself not to.
But, for multiple reasons that shall remain un-blogged, I just don't feel motivated by the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps this has something to do with my own personality traits - if I've been doing something for a while it's always the last few steps that I find challenging. Not because the work that remains is a challenge compared to what I've accomplished on the thing in question up until that point but because I get restless and bored. I was that way in school as far back as first grade even. I'd have all the enthusiasm throughout the year and then we'd have final year-end assessments and I'd be completely distracted and not do as well. Undergrad was like this for me too - I took really easy classes the last semester of the last year and had an incredibly breezy schedule. However, I probably fared the worst most of them except for one (which is the one I actually felt challenged by). I wonder if this is a pattern I need to break. I think I already start thinking ahead to what comes next and what I need to finish up to move on seems to take a backseat. That's probably bad. Especially since the stuff I've worked on in the past had a definitive timeline - exams ended and once you amassed 128 credits successfully you had a Bachelor's degree. Alas PhDing isn't like that. If you ignore that little thing called The Dissertation you don't magically finish but giving it the bare minimum.
And so I must try to be productive this summer even though I'm already daydreaming about what comes next. I'll keep you folks posted on my progress.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Sesame Street Persona Quiz
I am apparently - drum roll please - Big Bird! That does make sense perhaps since Big Bird was my favorite character on Sesame Street. Here are the results:
You scored 77% Organization, 51% abstract, and 81% extroverted!
This test measured 3 variables.
First, this test measured how organized you are. Some muppets like Cookie Monster make big messes, while others like Bert are quite anal about things being clean.
Second, this test measured if you prefer a concrete or an abstract viewpoint. For the purposes of this test, concrete people are considered to gravitate more to mathematical and logical approaches, whereas abstract people are more the dreamers and artistic type.
Third, this test measured if you are more of an introvert or an extrovert. By definition, an introvert concentrates more on herself and an extrovert focuses more on others. In this test an introvert was somebody that either tends to spend more time alone or thinks more about herself.
You are very organized, both concrete and abstract, and more extroverted.
Here is why are you Big Bird.
You are both very organized. You almost always know where your belongings are and you prefer things neat. You may even enjoy cleaning and find it therapeutic. Big Bird is never sloppy and always under control... pretty good for a 6 year old bird living without a family.
You both are sometimes concrete and sometimes abstract thinkers. Big Bird can be quite dreamy at times and has no problem using his imagination. At the same time he is also practical and can be methodical in his search for answers to questions. You have a good balance in your life. You know when to be logical at times, but you also aren't afraid to explore your dreams and desires... within limits of course.
You are both extroverts. Big Bird gets along with everyone. He makes friends easily and always has a positive attitude. You definitely enjoy the company of others, and you don't have problems meeting new people... in fact you probably look forward to it. You are willing to take charge when necessary or work as part of a team.
The other possible characters are
Oscar the Grouch
Bert
Snuffleupagus
Ernie
Elmo
Kermit the Frog
Grover
Cookie Monster
Guy Smiley
The Count
You scored 77% Organization, 51% abstract, and 81% extroverted!
This test measured 3 variables.
First, this test measured how organized you are. Some muppets like Cookie Monster make big messes, while others like Bert are quite anal about things being clean.
Second, this test measured if you prefer a concrete or an abstract viewpoint. For the purposes of this test, concrete people are considered to gravitate more to mathematical and logical approaches, whereas abstract people are more the dreamers and artistic type.
Third, this test measured if you are more of an introvert or an extrovert. By definition, an introvert concentrates more on herself and an extrovert focuses more on others. In this test an introvert was somebody that either tends to spend more time alone or thinks more about herself.
You are very organized, both concrete and abstract, and more extroverted.
Here is why are you Big Bird.
You are both very organized. You almost always know where your belongings are and you prefer things neat. You may even enjoy cleaning and find it therapeutic. Big Bird is never sloppy and always under control... pretty good for a 6 year old bird living without a family.
You both are sometimes concrete and sometimes abstract thinkers. Big Bird can be quite dreamy at times and has no problem using his imagination. At the same time he is also practical and can be methodical in his search for answers to questions. You have a good balance in your life. You know when to be logical at times, but you also aren't afraid to explore your dreams and desires... within limits of course.
You are both extroverts. Big Bird gets along with everyone. He makes friends easily and always has a positive attitude. You definitely enjoy the company of others, and you don't have problems meeting new people... in fact you probably look forward to it. You are willing to take charge when necessary or work as part of a team.
The other possible characters are
Oscar the Grouch
Bert
Snuffleupagus
Ernie
Elmo
Kermit the Frog
Grover
Cookie Monster
Guy Smiley
The Count
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
A first!
For the very first time in this whole dissertating process, I managed to force myself to push through the writing even if I didn't think it was perfect. Normally I obsess over links and spend time hunting down citations as I craft each sentence. Yesterday I wrote to tell the story without getting lost in all of the details. In other words, I wrote what I think a reader needs to know instead of telling the reader everything I know. It's not perfect by any means. But it certainly is good enough. Or so I think - we'll see what my committee members have to say when they read it.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Behold the power of ZZZ's
Yesterday was a particularly rough day for a multitude of personal reasons. You know the kind of day you have when, despite being generally optimistic, 'tomorrow' seems more like something "they" say to distract you but that really has more fantasy than reality? Well that was Monday for me. And then I actually slept last night - not completely like a baby or straight through but I got more sleep than I have in the past few weeks. And although none of the personal stuff has really gone away I feel like it's been put in some perspective by those oh so blessed zzz's. I've noticed that whenever my brain gets cloudy and I can't quite process stuff, I do feel a lot better once I've slept. By better I mean I have a better handle on confronting challenges head on - plus I get out of loopy moode.
So if you're feeling as overwhelmed as I was yesterday, make sure to get a good night's sleep.
So what's the plan today? I didn't write as much as I had planned to yesterday so I'm going to play catch up. I'd planned to write an entire sub-section of a chapter of my dissertation - all I wrote was a detailed summary outline of the section. So the goal is to finish that sub-section today. And then get a headstart on the subsection I was planning to start working on today. Wish me luck blogosphere!
So if you're feeling as overwhelmed as I was yesterday, make sure to get a good night's sleep.
So what's the plan today? I didn't write as much as I had planned to yesterday so I'm going to play catch up. I'd planned to write an entire sub-section of a chapter of my dissertation - all I wrote was a detailed summary outline of the section. So the goal is to finish that sub-section today. And then get a headstart on the subsection I was planning to start working on today. Wish me luck blogosphere!
Monday, June 02, 2008
Mid-year resolution: mini-rewards
Today's issue of The Chronicle has a great column by Ms. Mentor on shortening to-do lists for academics. If you're interested in reading this, and you don't have to be in academe to do so, please check it out here.
An excerpt of some of the ideas from this piece that struck a chord with me or had me laughing while nodding my head vigorously: "Too many academics are riddled with guilt, Ms. Mentor knows. Most of you have been fueled by it all your lives. ... Academics start the summer with a fresh slate, the way the rest of the world starts a new year: gasping with exhaustion, but brimming with nervous energy and wildly ambitious plans. You'll learn Old Norse or study genetics. You'll clean up all those moldering books and papers. You'll alphabetize and synthesize and categorize. ... You've worked intensely through the academic year, and some part of you yearns to be the beach bum or bummette -- the lazy loafer the civilians think you are -- after you've put in nine months smoothly molding young minds. (Civilians also think teaching restless teenagers is easy. Ms. Mentor wishes that stingy legislators were required to take a turn teaching and grading first-year composition at a community college. They just might appreciate the performance anxiety, the classroom radar, and the standup comedy aspects of the job -- and how deeply, deeply draining it can be.) Your To-Do list can include some beach-bunny activity for every day. It can be swimming or volleyball, or cooking something tasty, or getting together with your fellow graduate students or colleagues to whine, conspire, brag, and cheer one another on. ... Summer can be a most serious time for academics. For dissertation and book writers, it's the up-close, concentrated wrestling with ideas and phrasing. For scientists, it means full days in the lab; for botanists and archaeologists, full days in the field. Summer can be the most intense, focused, and exhilarating time -- leading to some bittersweet moments of decision."
Moral of the story? Rather, what's the resolution as the title of this post suggests*?
Instead of binge dissertating and delaying all gratification, I'm going to try to be disciplined about writing a decent amount everyday (which I do have specified on a meticulously drawn calendar). Every time I get done with a chapter draft I'm going to reward myself. And I have plans for vacationing at the half-way mark and grander ones for when I submit The Whole Dissertation. When will that be? Sooner than you think :-).
Here's to a productive and fun summer! Brace yourselves and get ready to call me Dr. B-W (Inshallah! Fingers crossed. Throwing salt over shoulder and knocking on wood.
*[N: I think you should join me in this resolution].
An excerpt of some of the ideas from this piece that struck a chord with me or had me laughing while nodding my head vigorously: "Too many academics are riddled with guilt, Ms. Mentor knows. Most of you have been fueled by it all your lives. ... Academics start the summer with a fresh slate, the way the rest of the world starts a new year: gasping with exhaustion, but brimming with nervous energy and wildly ambitious plans. You'll learn Old Norse or study genetics. You'll clean up all those moldering books and papers. You'll alphabetize and synthesize and categorize. ... You've worked intensely through the academic year, and some part of you yearns to be the beach bum or bummette -- the lazy loafer the civilians think you are -- after you've put in nine months smoothly molding young minds. (Civilians also think teaching restless teenagers is easy. Ms. Mentor wishes that stingy legislators were required to take a turn teaching and grading first-year composition at a community college. They just might appreciate the performance anxiety, the classroom radar, and the standup comedy aspects of the job -- and how deeply, deeply draining it can be.) Your To-Do list can include some beach-bunny activity for every day. It can be swimming or volleyball, or cooking something tasty, or getting together with your fellow graduate students or colleagues to whine, conspire, brag, and cheer one another on. ... Summer can be a most serious time for academics. For dissertation and book writers, it's the up-close, concentrated wrestling with ideas and phrasing. For scientists, it means full days in the lab; for botanists and archaeologists, full days in the field. Summer can be the most intense, focused, and exhilarating time -- leading to some bittersweet moments of decision."
Moral of the story? Rather, what's the resolution as the title of this post suggests*?
Instead of binge dissertating and delaying all gratification, I'm going to try to be disciplined about writing a decent amount everyday (which I do have specified on a meticulously drawn calendar). Every time I get done with a chapter draft I'm going to reward myself. And I have plans for vacationing at the half-way mark and grander ones for when I submit The Whole Dissertation. When will that be? Sooner than you think :-).
Here's to a productive and fun summer! Brace yourselves and get ready to call me Dr. B-W (Inshallah! Fingers crossed. Throwing salt over shoulder and knocking on wood.
*[N: I think you should join me in this resolution].
Quote of the Week: Monday, June 2
"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses." – Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr.
I really liked this one or rather it resonated with me because of the kind of start this week seems to have gotten off to. And it's only 10:35 am on Monday! Nopes nothing on the scale of tragedy (Mashallah. Knock on wood) but you know when you have the kind of weeks where lots of loved ones are around you because they happen to be visiting and then suddenly the fantasy comes to an end because people have to get back to their daily lives. So I find myself in kind of that lull. Over the past 2+ months, several people whom I love dearly but who live far away have been visiting one after the other. It's been incredibly heartwarming and fun. Now everyone's gone and it suddenly feels very empty. It's going to take a while to get used to. That's what was bumming me out this morning. And then I got this quote in my e-mail and felt rather unbummed because it reminded me to smile both because of weeks past and because I'm sure I'll meet everybody again...soon enough I hope (Inshallah).
Plus I kind of like the whole "glass is half full" approach to life. In fact, I try to veer towards the approach where "the glass is half-full and I'm trying to find a way to make it more full".
Here's to roses and thorns! Have a good Monday all!
I really liked this one or rather it resonated with me because of the kind of start this week seems to have gotten off to. And it's only 10:35 am on Monday! Nopes nothing on the scale of tragedy (Mashallah. Knock on wood) but you know when you have the kind of weeks where lots of loved ones are around you because they happen to be visiting and then suddenly the fantasy comes to an end because people have to get back to their daily lives. So I find myself in kind of that lull. Over the past 2+ months, several people whom I love dearly but who live far away have been visiting one after the other. It's been incredibly heartwarming and fun. Now everyone's gone and it suddenly feels very empty. It's going to take a while to get used to. That's what was bumming me out this morning. And then I got this quote in my e-mail and felt rather unbummed because it reminded me to smile both because of weeks past and because I'm sure I'll meet everybody again...soon enough I hope (Inshallah).
Plus I kind of like the whole "glass is half full" approach to life. In fact, I try to veer towards the approach where "the glass is half-full and I'm trying to find a way to make it more full".
Here's to roses and thorns! Have a good Monday all!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Condolences
This post is to let our readers at LTLWI know that Asad's mother passed away in Karachi last night (Inna-Lilah-e-Wa-Inna-Ileh-e-Rajeoon). Please say a prayer for her as well as Asad and his family.
It's been a horrible few days on my end as losing loved ones is concerned. My aunt's (father's brother's sister) mother died of cancer, a colleague I know through the conference circuit lost his father, another dear friend lost an aunt, and one of my dearest, closest friends lost his mother very unexpectedly which made it even worse. You're all in my thoughts. I hope once you get through this difficult time that fond memories bring a smile to your face and warmth in your hearts.
In all of these instances, the people I know were either in North America or Europe while the person who passed away was in Pakistan. I've been through that too - in fact all of my loved ones who have passed away has happened while I was traveling or living in the US while they were in Pakistan. That sucks. In fact, it makes me think globalization sucks! I could do with some good news real soon. In fact, I guess some baby news would be nice - that'll make it feel more circle-of-life-ish rather than black-hole-ish which is what it feels like right now.
For all of those people I mentioned above, I hope and pray that you and your family/loved ones have the strength and patience to bear your losses. Please take care of yourselves.
Additionally, I'll be praying for the safety, long life, good health, and happiness of all our loved ones (Inshallah/God Willing).
It's been a horrible few days on my end as losing loved ones is concerned. My aunt's (father's brother's sister) mother died of cancer, a colleague I know through the conference circuit lost his father, another dear friend lost an aunt, and one of my dearest, closest friends lost his mother very unexpectedly which made it even worse. You're all in my thoughts. I hope once you get through this difficult time that fond memories bring a smile to your face and warmth in your hearts.
In all of these instances, the people I know were either in North America or Europe while the person who passed away was in Pakistan. I've been through that too - in fact all of my loved ones who have passed away has happened while I was traveling or living in the US while they were in Pakistan. That sucks. In fact, it makes me think globalization sucks! I could do with some good news real soon. In fact, I guess some baby news would be nice - that'll make it feel more circle-of-life-ish rather than black-hole-ish which is what it feels like right now.
For all of those people I mentioned above, I hope and pray that you and your family/loved ones have the strength and patience to bear your losses. Please take care of yourselves.
Additionally, I'll be praying for the safety, long life, good health, and happiness of all our loved ones (Inshallah/God Willing).
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
This is my new mantra!
It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. [Alan Cohen]
Watch out world! Here I come :-)!
Watch out world! Here I come :-)!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
"Aren't You Done Yet?"
I seem to not be having a very good month in between all the questions about marriage (which, call me crazy, but I think is really inappropriate to bring up at any point during a funeral) and finishing my Ph.D. I've already ranted in the past about the marriage question...so today it's the turn of the PhD rant.
The underlying theme of all these questions is that if I get a total of 4 months off during the year - or so it seems from the outside - and if I only teach 2 classes a semester then why the hell can't I just sit down to write and finish. How do you explain to an outsider that the "real world" gives you time off to take time off but the academic world is better at giving that illusion than actually giving time off? Yes you can take your own little vacation but at the cost of immense guilt and overwhelming stress that 3 days off is likely going to translate into weeks of catching up. There is something exponential about the work you do if you're academicking - by which I mean either working on a PhD while holding down teaching duties or adjuncting in 5 places as a newly minted PhD or in a tenure-track/tenured professorial position.
When school is in session, I think those of us who try to do this decently well, end up spending about 6-7 hours of prep for teaching a single class. That doesn't include grading, office hours, student meetings, e-mail questions, etc. Then there's the in-class performance - you have to go do it even if you're feeling particularly blah - and you have to do it enthusiastically. If you teach 2-3 courses a semester chances are that about 4 days of the week you barely have time to breathe. That leaves 3 days. You catch up on grading and reading and answering student e-mails. You plan ahead for research projects. You get yourselves organized. One day of the week you slow it down or else you'll be too bitchy and burnt out to pick yourself up and get through the next week. There are always disgruntled students to manage who don't do the work, feel like they deserve nothing less than an A+, and are convinced that their poor grades have nothing to do with their performance but your whims and fancies. [I hear women in academia struggle more with this than men and I think that's purely *&^#@( unfair!) Then that summer arrives. O blessed summer! To the world it looks like you aren't going to work. Except - well you're catching up on the last 9 months when you never got enough time to write and writing what you would have written in these 3 months irrespective.
Of course it isn't all dreary. Some of the students are wonderful, sometimes you reach out to particularly difficult students and it pays off after a few times, and the days you have a writing epiphany can be orgasmic in their own way.
The 5/22 issue of The Chronicle has what I think is a great article titled "Did You Publish Today" that explains the rhythms of an academic life for those on the outside. An excerpt from this piece pasted below really capture the essence of what I'm trying to say:
"When I first started running competitively, each time I told my brother that I had run a race, he would ask me the same question, "Did you win?" It diminished any achievement I may have felt -- a personal best, feeling good the whole time, having a great day. Perhaps the fact that he thought I was fast enough to win the Boston Marathon meant that he really loves and believes in me. But it also meant that the months of hard work I did training for the race were made invisible by the way he had framed the question. This column, I'm sure you realize, dear fellow academics, is not for you. You don't need me to tell you that when you're working it can sometimes look to the rest of the world like you're curled up in front of the fire petting the cat. This column is ....for the people who believe that academics have the summers off, for those who argue that we have cushy jobs because we have to teach only a few classes a week for a couple of hours at a time, and for those who think that reading books isn't work. This column is for those who think that getting published is as easy as winning the Boston Marathon."
So for all those people who have asked me why I'm still not done here are some responses based on the year of the PhD I was in then:
Years 1,2,&3: Oh come on! Even an undergraduate degree takes 4 years.
Years 4,5, &6: Contrary to popular belief I can't really whip this out of my posterior.
Summer of year 6: I see the finish line...but not I'm not done "yet"!
The underlying theme of all these questions is that if I get a total of 4 months off during the year - or so it seems from the outside - and if I only teach 2 classes a semester then why the hell can't I just sit down to write and finish. How do you explain to an outsider that the "real world" gives you time off to take time off but the academic world is better at giving that illusion than actually giving time off? Yes you can take your own little vacation but at the cost of immense guilt and overwhelming stress that 3 days off is likely going to translate into weeks of catching up. There is something exponential about the work you do if you're academicking - by which I mean either working on a PhD while holding down teaching duties or adjuncting in 5 places as a newly minted PhD or in a tenure-track/tenured professorial position.
When school is in session, I think those of us who try to do this decently well, end up spending about 6-7 hours of prep for teaching a single class. That doesn't include grading, office hours, student meetings, e-mail questions, etc. Then there's the in-class performance - you have to go do it even if you're feeling particularly blah - and you have to do it enthusiastically. If you teach 2-3 courses a semester chances are that about 4 days of the week you barely have time to breathe. That leaves 3 days. You catch up on grading and reading and answering student e-mails. You plan ahead for research projects. You get yourselves organized. One day of the week you slow it down or else you'll be too bitchy and burnt out to pick yourself up and get through the next week. There are always disgruntled students to manage who don't do the work, feel like they deserve nothing less than an A+, and are convinced that their poor grades have nothing to do with their performance but your whims and fancies. [I hear women in academia struggle more with this than men and I think that's purely *&^#@( unfair!) Then that summer arrives. O blessed summer! To the world it looks like you aren't going to work. Except - well you're catching up on the last 9 months when you never got enough time to write and writing what you would have written in these 3 months irrespective.
Of course it isn't all dreary. Some of the students are wonderful, sometimes you reach out to particularly difficult students and it pays off after a few times, and the days you have a writing epiphany can be orgasmic in their own way.
The 5/22 issue of The Chronicle has what I think is a great article titled "Did You Publish Today" that explains the rhythms of an academic life for those on the outside. An excerpt from this piece pasted below really capture the essence of what I'm trying to say:
"When I first started running competitively, each time I told my brother that I had run a race, he would ask me the same question, "Did you win?" It diminished any achievement I may have felt -- a personal best, feeling good the whole time, having a great day. Perhaps the fact that he thought I was fast enough to win the Boston Marathon meant that he really loves and believes in me. But it also meant that the months of hard work I did training for the race were made invisible by the way he had framed the question. This column, I'm sure you realize, dear fellow academics, is not for you. You don't need me to tell you that when you're working it can sometimes look to the rest of the world like you're curled up in front of the fire petting the cat. This column is ....for the people who believe that academics have the summers off, for those who argue that we have cushy jobs because we have to teach only a few classes a week for a couple of hours at a time, and for those who think that reading books isn't work. This column is for those who think that getting published is as easy as winning the Boston Marathon."
So for all those people who have asked me why I'm still not done here are some responses based on the year of the PhD I was in then:
Years 1,2,&3: Oh come on! Even an undergraduate degree takes 4 years.
Years 4,5, &6: Contrary to popular belief I can't really whip this out of my posterior.
Summer of year 6: I see the finish line...but not I'm not done "yet"!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Quiz-Blogging
It's been a while since I felt like posting something without making a *real* effort to think or feel. In other words, it's quiz time again:
Your Personality at 35,000 Says... |
 Deep down, you vastly prefer being with others to being alone. You love to engage people in conversation. You are good with your place in the world. You are confident and comfortable with who you are. Your gift is dreaming and imagining. You can take yourself to another world anytime you feel like it. You are inspired by challenges. If something is hard to accomplish, you want to do it. You are happy as long as you are given some personal space. It's important for you to have your own private life. |
Monday, May 12, 2008
Unwelcome Priying or I detest dinners with the extended family/family friends circle
If you were to ask me tonight, I'd rather be asked when I'm going to finish my dissertation as opposed to when I'm going to get married. Why? Lots of reasons of which the most obvious is that I don't believe you can control finding love whereas dissertating is relatively easier to plan to finish. I also think random strangers asking me about my dissertation isn't inappropriate but asking me when I'm going to get married is really something very private. That I'm working on my dissertation makes questions about it legitimate. Whether or not I'm in a relationship is also something that doesn't quite make the BBC headlines. Even if I were in a serious committed relationship, the mother-in-law of a family friend's son asking that question fairly aggressively and proceeding to tell me how the PhDing is a frivolous luxury (umm need I even say anything?) whereas marriage is "critically important" is uncalled for.
Yes I would like to get married. No, not to just anyone but to someone whom I love dearly and would work through any issues and problems to stay together because I don't want to imagine a life without him - and vice versa. In other words, I have no earthly desire to get married for the sake of getting married. When I get married it's going to be for the aforementioned reasons. So far I haven't quite met "The One". Not as in "The Perfect One" but "The One" where the imperfections and idiosyncracies don't serve as an excuse to run away but are all part of wanting to stay.
I don't know why the fuck people, especially those of Pakistani origin, can't let it go until a woman is married. If a man in his 30s is single the narrative is very different when compared to the woman of the same age. The man is sowing his wild oats. The woman is picky and past her "shelf life". So the goal is to get married at/by a particular age. To anyone who is single. That's really all the matters. You get married and you make it work by hook or by crook. Perhaps that works for some people. I'd really rather not.
Why is it only when I can get the three letters "Mrs" attached to my name that people will think I did what I was put on this earth for? Apparently the three letters "PhD" mean jackshit. And that really pisses the fuck out of me. Yes the opinions of these mentally deranged individuals shouldn't matter but it's an attitude that's fairly pervasive and it happens to make its presence known on my path with an increasing frequency that I do not have much patience for.
Again, I'm not at all anti-marriage. I don't know why "32 and single/never been married" is looked upon as an evil deviance. Doesn't it matter that I'm doing things with my life? My father has this theory about this obsession with marriage for the sake of marriage amongst Pakistanis. Long story short, when women enter puberty they're perceived as hyper-sexed and the need to get them married lest they commit any transgressions is urgent. I used to tell him he was being too cynical but given the kinds of ridiculous crap that distant acquaintances have put forth in suggesting to me that I'm basically at red alert on the whole marriage front leads me to think he might be on to something.
So let me get a few things straight here:
1. I'm a very happy, well-adjusted (for the most part ;-)!) single woman in her early 30s. Knock on wood! I don't need a man to make me happy but I would like to share certain things with a significant other and look forward to doing that when I find that person. Still, my life is hardly on pause.
2. I do not hate men or the idea of marriage. Far from it...I believe deeply in love and in the institution of marriage. I think Paul and Jamie Buchman from the sitcom "Mad About You" have the kind of marriage I'd love to be in. Easygoing, supportive, very little melodrama, happy banter, committed 100% to loving the other with every fibre of one's being, and comfortable with being in-progress. I like the marriage that I think my parents seem to have (Mashallah, touchwood) i.e. the bestest of friends who have made whoopee and whose love, respect, and care for each other is unmatched (again Mashallah).
3. I also believe firmly that you meet the one you're destined to be with when you're both ready. I can't understand why people who claim to be very religious Muslims don't process that too well. I mean aren't you supposed to have faith in God or some kind of higher, divine power? So get over the idea that if a woman is single it's because she's doing something wrong or is too picky or commitment phobic or uninterested in being a wife and a mother if that's not all she's doing.
4. No I'm not waiting for Prince Charming to arrive or under the delusion that Prince Charming will arrive magically on my doorstep. I'm open to love but I can't make every freakin' breathing moment about it. Like I said my life isn't on pause (knock on wood again).
5. And please do not bother introducing me to a "nice, single boy". No it's not that I prefer mine naughty and married (although the former is welcome ;-)!). It's just that I don't think that's the only basis for playing matchmaker.
6. I can't get married only because I think it's time or because I feel like my biological clock is ticking. I have friends who have done that in the past and I can see how miserable they are. I really would much rather not wake up feeling that way every morning.
7. Women do not have a shelf-life. Learn to treat them with respect and dignity.
So distant acquaintances who don't even know what color I like let alone me as a person - please butt the fuck out. If you must ask me a question despite us having nothing in common, let's discuss the erratic weather patterns of the last couple of weeks. Or what the Chinese are up to? Or if I watched "The Big Bang Theory" tonight. Although to be honest, if our paths have to cross let's just keep it to superficial pleasantries and move on. I don't particularly like you, you don't approve of me and feel like you have to preach absurdities at me if you do speak to me, and I really detest our interaction as I'm sure you must so why don't we save us both some trouble.
Yes I would like to get married. No, not to just anyone but to someone whom I love dearly and would work through any issues and problems to stay together because I don't want to imagine a life without him - and vice versa. In other words, I have no earthly desire to get married for the sake of getting married. When I get married it's going to be for the aforementioned reasons. So far I haven't quite met "The One". Not as in "The Perfect One" but "The One" where the imperfections and idiosyncracies don't serve as an excuse to run away but are all part of wanting to stay.
I don't know why the fuck people, especially those of Pakistani origin, can't let it go until a woman is married. If a man in his 30s is single the narrative is very different when compared to the woman of the same age. The man is sowing his wild oats. The woman is picky and past her "shelf life". So the goal is to get married at/by a particular age. To anyone who is single. That's really all the matters. You get married and you make it work by hook or by crook. Perhaps that works for some people. I'd really rather not.
Why is it only when I can get the three letters "Mrs" attached to my name that people will think I did what I was put on this earth for? Apparently the three letters "PhD" mean jackshit. And that really pisses the fuck out of me. Yes the opinions of these mentally deranged individuals shouldn't matter but it's an attitude that's fairly pervasive and it happens to make its presence known on my path with an increasing frequency that I do not have much patience for.
Again, I'm not at all anti-marriage. I don't know why "32 and single/never been married" is looked upon as an evil deviance. Doesn't it matter that I'm doing things with my life? My father has this theory about this obsession with marriage for the sake of marriage amongst Pakistanis. Long story short, when women enter puberty they're perceived as hyper-sexed and the need to get them married lest they commit any transgressions is urgent. I used to tell him he was being too cynical but given the kinds of ridiculous crap that distant acquaintances have put forth in suggesting to me that I'm basically at red alert on the whole marriage front leads me to think he might be on to something.
So let me get a few things straight here:
1. I'm a very happy, well-adjusted (for the most part ;-)!) single woman in her early 30s. Knock on wood! I don't need a man to make me happy but I would like to share certain things with a significant other and look forward to doing that when I find that person. Still, my life is hardly on pause.
2. I do not hate men or the idea of marriage. Far from it...I believe deeply in love and in the institution of marriage. I think Paul and Jamie Buchman from the sitcom "Mad About You" have the kind of marriage I'd love to be in. Easygoing, supportive, very little melodrama, happy banter, committed 100% to loving the other with every fibre of one's being, and comfortable with being in-progress. I like the marriage that I think my parents seem to have (Mashallah, touchwood) i.e. the bestest of friends who have made whoopee and whose love, respect, and care for each other is unmatched (again Mashallah).
3. I also believe firmly that you meet the one you're destined to be with when you're both ready. I can't understand why people who claim to be very religious Muslims don't process that too well. I mean aren't you supposed to have faith in God or some kind of higher, divine power? So get over the idea that if a woman is single it's because she's doing something wrong or is too picky or commitment phobic or uninterested in being a wife and a mother if that's not all she's doing.
4. No I'm not waiting for Prince Charming to arrive or under the delusion that Prince Charming will arrive magically on my doorstep. I'm open to love but I can't make every freakin' breathing moment about it. Like I said my life isn't on pause (knock on wood again).
5. And please do not bother introducing me to a "nice, single boy". No it's not that I prefer mine naughty and married (although the former is welcome ;-)!). It's just that I don't think that's the only basis for playing matchmaker.
6. I can't get married only because I think it's time or because I feel like my biological clock is ticking. I have friends who have done that in the past and I can see how miserable they are. I really would much rather not wake up feeling that way every morning.
7. Women do not have a shelf-life. Learn to treat them with respect and dignity.
So distant acquaintances who don't even know what color I like let alone me as a person - please butt the fuck out. If you must ask me a question despite us having nothing in common, let's discuss the erratic weather patterns of the last couple of weeks. Or what the Chinese are up to? Or if I watched "The Big Bang Theory" tonight. Although to be honest, if our paths have to cross let's just keep it to superficial pleasantries and move on. I don't particularly like you, you don't approve of me and feel like you have to preach absurdities at me if you do speak to me, and I really detest our interaction as I'm sure you must so why don't we save us both some trouble.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
A Dissertation Prayer
O Ye God of Dissertating Goodness! Please be thou kind enough to stop messing with me dissertating momentum. I plead with thee to grant me no (melo?)drama from "The Loved Ones" on every day 2 or day 3 following a serious commitment to finish the last couple of Dissertating Hurdles successfully. Particularly when I have a meticulously detailed plan for completion.
I thank you for your time - please be kind enough to give me back mine.
Optimistically yours,
Bionic-Woman
I thank you for your time - please be kind enough to give me back mine.
Optimistically yours,
Bionic-Woman
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Bewildering & Unsettling
Since 2008 began, particularly this past month, several friends and acquaintances of mine from the world of academia have ended up either seriously contemplating a departure from academia or actually exiting. The stages they're in range from "almost ABD" to "tenured and sick of it". I am told by "them" that this isn't surprising given the attrition rate in social science Ph.D. programs. I have, however, no official stats on tenured professors deciding they've had just about more than they can take.
Cut to any of the critical points in the academic cycle i.e. completed coursework to ABD, ABD to PhD, Ph.D to tenure-track positions (often punctuated by postdocs and horribly underpaid adjuncting gigs), tenure-track to tenured (where the horrors of the process might favor the mediocre rather than the wonderfully accomplished), and so on and so forth.
That's when it seems to change perhaps - or is changing of late?
Of all the people I've spoken to are brilliant minds (no-one else really opts to pursue a PhD so that isn't at all surprising) and hardworking, dedicated souls and stellar scholars. The reasons I've heard have more to do with extenuating life circumstances. For example, the "almost ABD" who can no longer continue the program because his/her committee members failed to read his/her proposal when s/he submitted it a semester ago and s/he has no way of funding himself/herself through this process because of visa issues. The "ABD to PhD" who can't really rely on adjuncting to pay the bills while continuing to work on the dissertation. The "almost PhD" who has worked hard but languished in the program because of inaccessible/unsupportive committee members. The "tenure-track Ph.D" who is freaking out because she's having a particularly difficult pregnancy while her due date falls right bang in the middle of the fall semester and it seems that her employer is uninterested in pausing the tenure clock let alone work with her in case she can't be up and about in 2 weeks time after she has the baby. The "tenured Ph.D" who, for the last 16 years, has lived far away from family and is simply sick of being unable to have a regular family life. Or the "tenured Ph.D." who feels completely frazzled in between the demands of teaching and parenting none of which are 9-5, Monday-Friday commitments. And the list goes on...
Maybe this will sound incredibly naive on my part but it seems strange to me that the same reasons why one wants to pursue academic life aren't, at many times, enough to keep one there. It's mind-boggling to imagine that up until the MA/MS/MBA level society rewards individuals with better pay and more flexibility in terms of things like geography and being able to bring your life into more balance at some finite point if not right away but that your prospects are relatively (quite?) dim if your terminal degree is the Ph.D. Add to that factors like the reconceptualization of students as cash-paying customers that must be satisfied lest they become disgruntled and the organization lose money, the notion that college is more a vocational/technical training grounds than a place to be educated, etc and that pretty much saps a lot of (but luckily not all) fun out of the teaching experience. Maybe it's not that grim and maybe I've lately found myself interacting within a configuration where these challenges abound for whatever reason. After all, I just finished a visiting professor gig that was probably one of the most rewarding experiences ever in lots of ways. Of course it was challenging in ways I'd never thought about either - but that's all fodder for another (forthcoming?) blogpost.
For now, I just wanted to vent about what seems to me to be a trend within the larger community of which I'm a part because I find it, as the title suggests, bewildering. Did something happen over the past couple of years that this is the conversation I'm hearing more of whereas it was previously non-existent? Something tells me that might be the case. Or, perhaps, the people I got to know in academia are at critical points in what I call the 7 year academic cycle (tenure takes about 7 years, the average time to finish a social sciences PhD in the US is about the same) where they have to make bigger decisions like whether or not pursuing the PhD fits in with the rest of their life plans or whether their tenured life in NoWhereVille, USA is something they can keep doing until death do them part.
Irrespective, that these conversations are happening is surprising to me because these are not the things anyone raises when you inform them that you're considering the pursuit of a PhD and putting yourself on the path to that most-celebrated-of-all-things-holy-in-academia AKA a tenured professorship. At that juncture, it's all about the nobility of the profession in so far that you get to create knowledge and shape young minds. We're told it's like being in school - something most aspiring PhDs have a pretty good knack of thus far. Your grad advisors tell you how you're made for research and teaching. How your mind and curiosity ought not to be wasted and how this is the only space that affords you the ability to indulge what excites you. What nobody tells you - or at least nobody told me or anyone I know/know of - that there are all of these other things that perhaps ought to be part of this calculation. I'm sure these folks I've spoken to feel cheated. I would be livid if I was in their positions. Why? Because we're sold this dream of the nobility of the profession - it'd be nice if someone dialed it down a notch so that reality doesn't feel like it's biting your butt hard when the satisfaction of sitting around in seminars or at conferences connecting with and being challenged by brilliance is confronted by things like bills, education loan payments, moving to the boondocks far away from civilization let alone an emotional network, disciplinary boundaries you must pander to for the 14 or so years from when you start the PhD to when you get tenure presuming all of these happen without any breaks in-between, spoilt kids whom you have to indulge lest you bruise their egos and rights as cash-paying customers at the expense of creating a genuinely open learning environment, the fickleness of the world of academic employment where networks are often tie-breakers over merit, and, perhaps most importantly, everything we label as 'life outside academia.'
Nopes I'm not bitter...just unsettled by the unsavoriness of what I find around me. I think those other things that remain unspoken ought to be raised. Of course it doesn't make for very good advertising but at least it isn't false advertising. The former might mean you lose some folks but the latter avoids the disgruntledness and disillusionment that might accompany an individual's learning of the truth. Not to mention that this is a time-consuming process not only because it is lengthy but because it is emotionally draining and, often, soul-crushing. Knowing that's inevitable would leave folks better prepared to deal with a challenge. I know that I would've pursued this path because, as geeky as it sounds, I got into it given my love for learning even if someone had told me all of this but I wouldn't be feeling nearly as unsettled as I am right now.
Having said that it's back to the drawing (dissertation) board :-). Why? Not just because I see the light at the end of that tunnel but because I like what I've created.
Cut to any of the critical points in the academic cycle i.e. completed coursework to ABD, ABD to PhD, Ph.D to tenure-track positions (often punctuated by postdocs and horribly underpaid adjuncting gigs), tenure-track to tenured (where the horrors of the process might favor the mediocre rather than the wonderfully accomplished), and so on and so forth.
That's when it seems to change perhaps - or is changing of late?
Of all the people I've spoken to are brilliant minds (no-one else really opts to pursue a PhD so that isn't at all surprising) and hardworking, dedicated souls and stellar scholars. The reasons I've heard have more to do with extenuating life circumstances. For example, the "almost ABD" who can no longer continue the program because his/her committee members failed to read his/her proposal when s/he submitted it a semester ago and s/he has no way of funding himself/herself through this process because of visa issues. The "ABD to PhD" who can't really rely on adjuncting to pay the bills while continuing to work on the dissertation. The "almost PhD" who has worked hard but languished in the program because of inaccessible/unsupportive committee members. The "tenure-track Ph.D" who is freaking out because she's having a particularly difficult pregnancy while her due date falls right bang in the middle of the fall semester and it seems that her employer is uninterested in pausing the tenure clock let alone work with her in case she can't be up and about in 2 weeks time after she has the baby. The "tenured Ph.D" who, for the last 16 years, has lived far away from family and is simply sick of being unable to have a regular family life. Or the "tenured Ph.D." who feels completely frazzled in between the demands of teaching and parenting none of which are 9-5, Monday-Friday commitments. And the list goes on...
Maybe this will sound incredibly naive on my part but it seems strange to me that the same reasons why one wants to pursue academic life aren't, at many times, enough to keep one there. It's mind-boggling to imagine that up until the MA/MS/MBA level society rewards individuals with better pay and more flexibility in terms of things like geography and being able to bring your life into more balance at some finite point if not right away but that your prospects are relatively (quite?) dim if your terminal degree is the Ph.D. Add to that factors like the reconceptualization of students as cash-paying customers that must be satisfied lest they become disgruntled and the organization lose money, the notion that college is more a vocational/technical training grounds than a place to be educated, etc and that pretty much saps a lot of (but luckily not all) fun out of the teaching experience. Maybe it's not that grim and maybe I've lately found myself interacting within a configuration where these challenges abound for whatever reason. After all, I just finished a visiting professor gig that was probably one of the most rewarding experiences ever in lots of ways. Of course it was challenging in ways I'd never thought about either - but that's all fodder for another (forthcoming?) blogpost.
For now, I just wanted to vent about what seems to me to be a trend within the larger community of which I'm a part because I find it, as the title suggests, bewildering. Did something happen over the past couple of years that this is the conversation I'm hearing more of whereas it was previously non-existent? Something tells me that might be the case. Or, perhaps, the people I got to know in academia are at critical points in what I call the 7 year academic cycle (tenure takes about 7 years, the average time to finish a social sciences PhD in the US is about the same) where they have to make bigger decisions like whether or not pursuing the PhD fits in with the rest of their life plans or whether their tenured life in NoWhereVille, USA is something they can keep doing until death do them part.
Irrespective, that these conversations are happening is surprising to me because these are not the things anyone raises when you inform them that you're considering the pursuit of a PhD and putting yourself on the path to that most-celebrated-of-all-things-holy-in-academia AKA a tenured professorship. At that juncture, it's all about the nobility of the profession in so far that you get to create knowledge and shape young minds. We're told it's like being in school - something most aspiring PhDs have a pretty good knack of thus far. Your grad advisors tell you how you're made for research and teaching. How your mind and curiosity ought not to be wasted and how this is the only space that affords you the ability to indulge what excites you. What nobody tells you - or at least nobody told me or anyone I know/know of - that there are all of these other things that perhaps ought to be part of this calculation. I'm sure these folks I've spoken to feel cheated. I would be livid if I was in their positions. Why? Because we're sold this dream of the nobility of the profession - it'd be nice if someone dialed it down a notch so that reality doesn't feel like it's biting your butt hard when the satisfaction of sitting around in seminars or at conferences connecting with and being challenged by brilliance is confronted by things like bills, education loan payments, moving to the boondocks far away from civilization let alone an emotional network, disciplinary boundaries you must pander to for the 14 or so years from when you start the PhD to when you get tenure presuming all of these happen without any breaks in-between, spoilt kids whom you have to indulge lest you bruise their egos and rights as cash-paying customers at the expense of creating a genuinely open learning environment, the fickleness of the world of academic employment where networks are often tie-breakers over merit, and, perhaps most importantly, everything we label as 'life outside academia.'
Nopes I'm not bitter...just unsettled by the unsavoriness of what I find around me. I think those other things that remain unspoken ought to be raised. Of course it doesn't make for very good advertising but at least it isn't false advertising. The former might mean you lose some folks but the latter avoids the disgruntledness and disillusionment that might accompany an individual's learning of the truth. Not to mention that this is a time-consuming process not only because it is lengthy but because it is emotionally draining and, often, soul-crushing. Knowing that's inevitable would leave folks better prepared to deal with a challenge. I know that I would've pursued this path because, as geeky as it sounds, I got into it given my love for learning even if someone had told me all of this but I wouldn't be feeling nearly as unsettled as I am right now.
Having said that it's back to the drawing (dissertation) board :-). Why? Not just because I see the light at the end of that tunnel but because I like what I've created.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
On Cloud 9: best teaching compliment ever
I haven't finished grading finals which means I also haven't read the exit papers I have students submit at the end of the semester to get an actual sense of their experience of the course as opposed to the insipidness of standardized course evaluation forms that most institutions distribute. Okay that's a bad dig. Perhaps those forms are okay but they don't really tell me much. They don't really work for me - maybe they do for others. But that isn't the point of this post.
I've been getting lovely notes from students about their experience having taken my classes. Since I'm still swamped with grading I don't quite have time to write the longer post - or perhaps series of posts - around my teaching experience this year. [I was a Visiting Professor at a prestigious private university in the Northeast area of these fine United States]. However I do want to share what I think is the best compliment of my teaching style which really is more of an unstructured seminar if we want to label it.
Color me giddy with happiness by this particular piece of praise! Why? By which I mean something other than the obvious reason that most of us, if not all, like being told how fabulous we are. When I started teaching in 1998 as part of a team-taught course that would convene as a large lecture and break up into recitation groups I knew how I wanted to teach - aka the unstructured seminar style which is how I learn best hence the desire to teach that way - but my craft was getting there. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. I didn't always know how to bring it together after letting it go. This past year I felt like I had some measure of control over my craft. I also felt like I learnt in the process. In fact, I'm quite impressed that I took the decision to significantly alter the syllabus for one of my classes a few sessions in. It was scary but I also thought I'd figured how it would work better given the configuration of the class in terms of the people and the relationships we'd begun to cultivate as part of a learning community. That this kind of praise came from someone in that very class makes it all the more sweet. Here it is - almost verbatim:
"I don't know how you did it but you let all of us contribute to the learning process. We'd start someplace, go all over, and then somehow you tied it all back together and at the end of each session we felt like we learnt stuff".
How cool is that?!
I've been getting lovely notes from students about their experience having taken my classes. Since I'm still swamped with grading I don't quite have time to write the longer post - or perhaps series of posts - around my teaching experience this year. [I was a Visiting Professor at a prestigious private university in the Northeast area of these fine United States]. However I do want to share what I think is the best compliment of my teaching style which really is more of an unstructured seminar if we want to label it.
Color me giddy with happiness by this particular piece of praise! Why? By which I mean something other than the obvious reason that most of us, if not all, like being told how fabulous we are. When I started teaching in 1998 as part of a team-taught course that would convene as a large lecture and break up into recitation groups I knew how I wanted to teach - aka the unstructured seminar style which is how I learn best hence the desire to teach that way - but my craft was getting there. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. I didn't always know how to bring it together after letting it go. This past year I felt like I had some measure of control over my craft. I also felt like I learnt in the process. In fact, I'm quite impressed that I took the decision to significantly alter the syllabus for one of my classes a few sessions in. It was scary but I also thought I'd figured how it would work better given the configuration of the class in terms of the people and the relationships we'd begun to cultivate as part of a learning community. That this kind of praise came from someone in that very class makes it all the more sweet. Here it is - almost verbatim:
"I don't know how you did it but you let all of us contribute to the learning process. We'd start someplace, go all over, and then somehow you tied it all back together and at the end of each session we felt like we learnt stuff".
How cool is that?!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
"This is one of my favorite things"...about spring that is.
Breezy, warm, uplifting sunny goodness...that's spring.
One of my favorite things about spring - yellow flowers, particularly daffodils since they mark the beginning of the season in all their brightness and cheeriness. I must add that I have a particular affinity for yellow flowers any time of the year - period :-).
Although spring started last month - officially that is - it's only this week that we're enjoying spring-like temperatures. So to mark the *real* beginning of spring on this blog, a picture of the spring's first daffodils I got as a present a couple of weeks ago (thanks again Marian!).
One of my favorite things about spring - yellow flowers, particularly daffodils since they mark the beginning of the season in all their brightness and cheeriness. I must add that I have a particular affinity for yellow flowers any time of the year - period :-).
Although spring started last month - officially that is - it's only this week that we're enjoying spring-like temperatures. So to mark the *real* beginning of spring on this blog, a picture of the spring's first daffodils I got as a present a couple of weeks ago (thanks again Marian!).
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
Or, rather, "Hair on Wednesday, Gone Thursday". I've been craving a major change and was getting bored of my look. Hence the drastic measures i.e. chopping off 9 inches of my hair.
Although I like the (relative) anonymity this blog affords me I figured a little pictorial evidence might be nice. So here are two pictures that retain the anonymity but show the change in my crowning glory as it were. The first one is of the haircut I had last winter which grew till the longest layer was down to my elbows and the shortest was about shoulder length. The second is the new 'do.
How do I feel? Like a-whole-new-bionic :-). I feel fabulous. I feel spring-like. I feel like a whole new woman.
If any of you need to mix it up, I highly recommend tending to your follicles and going for a not-so-subtle-change.
Although I like the (relative) anonymity this blog affords me I figured a little pictorial evidence might be nice. So here are two pictures that retain the anonymity but show the change in my crowning glory as it were. The first one is of the haircut I had last winter which grew till the longest layer was down to my elbows and the shortest was about shoulder length. The second is the new 'do.
How do I feel? Like a-whole-new-bionic :-). I feel fabulous. I feel spring-like. I feel like a whole new woman.
If any of you need to mix it up, I highly recommend tending to your follicles and going for a not-so-subtle-change.
Update from the Professorial Trenches
I haven't blogged again about how the "tomorrow" that had me nervous in my previous blog post panned out. My bad! Long story short, it's been trying, taxing, and draining but last Wednesday (i.e. April 9) I finally had a class session in which I was able to create some space for a through and through productive conversation with the help of the rest of the class. I'd been making an effort to steer the conversation subtly but I think Wednesday was the first time I decided to use my authority more definitively with respect to the discussion and not just enforcing rules. I have to say it felt good.
This doesn't mean that the two trouble-makers have been reformed but, rather, made painfully aware of the ridiculous unsubstantiated drivel they have been spewing venomously since mid-February. Our class is built around a specific analytical framework which neither of those two have attempted to read, much less understand. Granted they joined the class late but making up the material they missed was their responsibility as I clarified explicitly. One of the students tends to respond better one-on-one during office hours and the subsequent class sees him performing better. The other one continues to miss making appointments, hasn't submitted anything, and is clearly failing the course. I've also just been informed by one of the Associate Deans that both students are 'problem cases' in that other professors on campus have had similar issues with them. Although that makes me feel somewhat better, part of me wishes that I'd known this in advance in order to have adjusted my pedagogical strategies much more quickly and perhaps even more pro-actively.
But back to last Wedneday. Students came to see me during my office hours to let me know how grateful they were for what I did during that class. Of course, my intervention was only possible in the larger context of previous ones but this one felt final. That the students who had, over the weeks, shied away from the conversation with the exception of making remarks here and there now became actively involved feels like a triumph. This is not to say I'm the only one responsible but I did try to actively engineer that and I'm glad it worked.
Am I feeling less despondent? You bet. For those of you who e-mailed, called, or shared their comments - that was certainly enough to make me feel cheery and cared for. Thanks muchly for sharing your thought as well as for your support and concern.
[PS: "You know who" - a blog post is forthcoming in response to your comments on my previous blog-post]
This doesn't mean that the two trouble-makers have been reformed but, rather, made painfully aware of the ridiculous unsubstantiated drivel they have been spewing venomously since mid-February. Our class is built around a specific analytical framework which neither of those two have attempted to read, much less understand. Granted they joined the class late but making up the material they missed was their responsibility as I clarified explicitly. One of the students tends to respond better one-on-one during office hours and the subsequent class sees him performing better. The other one continues to miss making appointments, hasn't submitted anything, and is clearly failing the course. I've also just been informed by one of the Associate Deans that both students are 'problem cases' in that other professors on campus have had similar issues with them. Although that makes me feel somewhat better, part of me wishes that I'd known this in advance in order to have adjusted my pedagogical strategies much more quickly and perhaps even more pro-actively.
But back to last Wedneday. Students came to see me during my office hours to let me know how grateful they were for what I did during that class. Of course, my intervention was only possible in the larger context of previous ones but this one felt final. That the students who had, over the weeks, shied away from the conversation with the exception of making remarks here and there now became actively involved feels like a triumph. This is not to say I'm the only one responsible but I did try to actively engineer that and I'm glad it worked.
Am I feeling less despondent? You bet. For those of you who e-mailed, called, or shared their comments - that was certainly enough to make me feel cheery and cared for. Thanks muchly for sharing your thought as well as for your support and concern.
[PS: "You know who" - a blog post is forthcoming in response to your comments on my previous blog-post]
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
The festeringly ugly, the heart-warming good, and the making-me-giddy-with-excitement best: my tomorrow in a nutshell
It's students and papers like this that are continuing to sap my energy. How's that for an opening sentence? I'd rant but I really need to go to sleep to wake up bright and early tomorrow morning. For now, the short version is that I have 2 horribly racist kids in my morning class on religion in contemporary global politics. That they're disruptive makes this particularly problematic. We've had a verbal explosion in class and students have complained about their behavior. I've tried to tackle it and the class discussions seem to be working better now that I've explicitly addressed their disruptive behavior after repeated attempts of steering them subtly. Of course, although I loathe pessimism, I'm being realistic when I say that this is no guarantee that this will stick. Their written work, on the other hand, continues to be ranty rather than analytical. That they continue to be in denial about this is making this all the more challenging in terms of dealing with them. Am I up to the challenge? Yes - and I also don't think I have a choice so I guess I'm not up to it because I'm dedicated or committed but because I'm trying to conduct myself professionally. Am I dreading tomorrow? Yes - because I've returned everything with feedback and these kids are going to be disgruntled. One of them has already made an appointment to come and see me. That both of them have a tendency to get loud and agitated means I'm really not looking forward to this. One of my colleagues asked if I've been feeling fearful for my safety. I didn't know how to answer that one. I think I'll be okay but I am somewhat fearful given the kinds of opinions these students have expressed and their general behavior. I am literally counting days till the semester is over and I'm done with my present teaching commitment. It's been the most bizarre mix of the best and worst students I've encountered since I started teaching in 1999. I've handled difficult students before but it's an entirely different ballgame when they spout venomous hatred for your kind repeatedly by which I mean in terms of faith, gender, and age.
As much as I detest grading for being so time-consuming, one of the things that frustrates me most about the academic life is that some students aren't there to learn and it's hard not to take it personally when you put in so much effort to help their learning process. I think it's easier to deal with if they're sitting there tuned out but not so much if the manner in which they engage is inappropriate and unproductive.
So I'm apprehensive about tomorrow. Particularly, 11 am - 2 pm is going to be nerve-wracking and frustrating...color me despondent about this :-(. Although my afternoon class is fantastic so I guess the day will get better.
The great news that has me genuinely excited about tomorrow: my grandparents are flying in from Pakistan and I can't wait to see them.
As much as I detest grading for being so time-consuming, one of the things that frustrates me most about the academic life is that some students aren't there to learn and it's hard not to take it personally when you put in so much effort to help their learning process. I think it's easier to deal with if they're sitting there tuned out but not so much if the manner in which they engage is inappropriate and unproductive.
So I'm apprehensive about tomorrow. Particularly, 11 am - 2 pm is going to be nerve-wracking and frustrating...color me despondent about this :-(. Although my afternoon class is fantastic so I guess the day will get better.
The great news that has me genuinely excited about tomorrow: my grandparents are flying in from Pakistan and I can't wait to see them.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Of Spring-cleaning & Festivities
It's been a while since I shared a quote. I thought this one was particularly apropos as we step into spring since this season is always associated with bringing in the new and starting new cycles:
"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading." Lao-Tzu
Here's to sun, warmer weather, breezy days, and to new cycles that bring you and yours joy and happiness.
And while I'm here, I'm think it's worth mentioning that Eid-e-Milad-un-Nabi, Easter, Holi, and Nauroze all fell around the same time this week. Even if it sounds corny or silly, I love it when holidays observed by different faiths happen to be on or around the same dates. Peace and celebrations to all!
"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading." Lao-Tzu
Here's to sun, warmer weather, breezy days, and to new cycles that bring you and yours joy and happiness.
And while I'm here, I'm think it's worth mentioning that Eid-e-Milad-un-Nabi, Easter, Holi, and Nauroze all fell around the same time this week. Even if it sounds corny or silly, I love it when holidays observed by different faiths happen to be on or around the same dates. Peace and celebrations to all!
Friday, March 21, 2008
Wedding Bells Are Ringing
Since Asad has yet to announce the news himself on this blog I'm going to take the liberty of doing so myself. His nuptials are this week-end. Here's wishing Asad and "The Mrs" happy coupledom full of love, laughter, happiness, and everything wonderful.
And yes, you must name your firstborn daughter after moi!
Cheers!
And yes, you must name your firstborn daughter after moi!
Cheers!
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Sex/Gender = Female
Spammers of the world, listen up! I am Bionic Woman. There are times when my 'bionic' is broken. But the 'woman' bit remains consistent. [There are others who will attest to this fact if you need the proof.] So quit sending me e-mails about enlarging body parts I do not possess or about medications that will make me last all night because I certainly don't need external help in that department...not yet anyway. If Amazon can figure out that I must receive chick lit recommendations then you can surely set up some kind of filter so that yoou actually hit your target audience. It just makes good business sense especially if you're earning ad revenue from clicks on your website.
Hmm I wonder why there aren't any enhancing drugs of a similar kind for women? Yes I'm familiar with implants as a concept but why is it that men can pop a pill and women have to go through surgery?
Hmm if I was ever going to be your typical feminist I think this would be the issue that sparks it.
Hmm I wonder why there aren't any enhancing drugs of a similar kind for women? Yes I'm familiar with implants as a concept but why is it that men can pop a pill and women have to go through surgery?
Hmm if I was ever going to be your typical feminist I think this would be the issue that sparks it.
Friday, March 07, 2008
If only there was a pill...
If you're writing or have ever written a dissertation you might find this particularly funny.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
A Quiz & A Dissertating Thought
It's been a while since I did one of those fun, short, silly online quizzes that always make me feel they'll tell me something I didn't quite know about myself or had thought about consciously. Who am I kidding? It's a fun way to kill time at the laptop while taking a dissertating break. Why don't I just get up and walk away? Umm...trust me when I say it's tough to want to ABC it (ABC = Apply Butt to Chair) willingly most of the time. I can stay there and get myself going on the writing but it's the getting there part that is always the toughest. Now that little tid-bit makes this post officially about dissertating as well. The one stone, two birds thing never happened to me before.
Here's the quiz with my results...given that I've been considering getting a layered bob and doing away with my 70s meets 2000s do this is a tad spooky:
Now I need to go get a little more writing in before calling it a day.
Here's the quiz with my results...given that I've been considering getting a layered bob and doing away with my 70s meets 2000s do this is a tad spooky:
Your Ideal Hairstyle: |
 |
Now I need to go get a little more writing in before calling it a day.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
A letter to "The World"
Dear World:
No I am not ignoring you or your calls or e-mails. Nor do I have any particular desire to metamorphose into a loner. I don't hate you either. I am simply trying to finish my dissertation while teaching a full course load with 2 new preps and keeping my sanity more or less in tact. I'd like to get enough sleep to allow me to do these things.
The only thing I can just about manage, albeit badly, is carving out some time for loved ones and friends who I'm close to. And I do that because I want them to know that I really care and, to be honest, I need to be engaged in those relationships because they something to me for various reasons in their various ways.
I don't mean to sound condescending or snobby - even though it will likely come across that way - but here are a few don'ts: If you're calling to complain about your maid not showing up, do yourself a favor and call someone else. If you're calling to complain about your husband, I've never been married so anything I say is probably more hypothetical than experiential. To be honest, I'd suggest sorting things out with your husband rather than whining to the entire world because that stuff ought to be between the two people concerned IMHO. If you're calling to bitch about how unfair the world is and will always be, do us both a favor and knock on another door - even after I'm done with this dissertation because I really have no patience or sympathy for people who find a problem for every I&%#@ solution. If you're a stay-at-home-mom, try spending some time with the kids - actual time where you do something with them instead of barking instructions at them...they're humans and they need you to nurture them so that they can grow up to be well-rounded, secure adults. If your job involves entering data mindlessly allowing you to talk on the phone while you're at work, please don't assume I can afford to do the same. I actually need to be able to use my brains and be able to give undivided attention to the thing I'm working on. If I tell you I'll call you back in 4-6 weeks I'm not trying to suggest that I'm more important or busy than everyone else on this planet - I physically do not have the time or energy to be able to do so before then without completely ruining the juggling act I'm managing right now. There are certain things on my life list right now and people that need to be numero uno as far as prioritizing is concerned.
A special thanks to those of the 'world' who continue to show their love and support while I remain at my bitchiest - I continue to be tempted to spend more time with you and be there for you. Suffice it to say this whole delayed gratification thing sucks. (Parents and Z: this one is especially for you folks :-)!) I'm looking forward to reconnecting with you in much more meaningful ways in a few weeks. Please weather the current grunts in place of real communication and what I think are probably abrupt conversations and perhaps a modus operandi that is not-as-thoughtful - I love you all dearly and don't want to come out at the other end of this tunnel without all of you still very much a part of my life. I promise to be a better daughter/friend/colleague/human who is back to her happy, fun, cheery self in 6-8 weeks. In the meantime, if you really need me to be there, please holler loudly - I don't want to bail on you. Also know that my pathetic attempts at staying connected during this period are there because you matter and I care deeply about you.
Ciao for now!
Bionic-Woman
No I am not ignoring you or your calls or e-mails. Nor do I have any particular desire to metamorphose into a loner. I don't hate you either. I am simply trying to finish my dissertation while teaching a full course load with 2 new preps and keeping my sanity more or less in tact. I'd like to get enough sleep to allow me to do these things.
The only thing I can just about manage, albeit badly, is carving out some time for loved ones and friends who I'm close to. And I do that because I want them to know that I really care and, to be honest, I need to be engaged in those relationships because they something to me for various reasons in their various ways.
I don't mean to sound condescending or snobby - even though it will likely come across that way - but here are a few don'ts: If you're calling to complain about your maid not showing up, do yourself a favor and call someone else. If you're calling to complain about your husband, I've never been married so anything I say is probably more hypothetical than experiential. To be honest, I'd suggest sorting things out with your husband rather than whining to the entire world because that stuff ought to be between the two people concerned IMHO. If you're calling to bitch about how unfair the world is and will always be, do us both a favor and knock on another door - even after I'm done with this dissertation because I really have no patience or sympathy for people who find a problem for every I&%#@ solution. If you're a stay-at-home-mom, try spending some time with the kids - actual time where you do something with them instead of barking instructions at them...they're humans and they need you to nurture them so that they can grow up to be well-rounded, secure adults. If your job involves entering data mindlessly allowing you to talk on the phone while you're at work, please don't assume I can afford to do the same. I actually need to be able to use my brains and be able to give undivided attention to the thing I'm working on. If I tell you I'll call you back in 4-6 weeks I'm not trying to suggest that I'm more important or busy than everyone else on this planet - I physically do not have the time or energy to be able to do so before then without completely ruining the juggling act I'm managing right now. There are certain things on my life list right now and people that need to be numero uno as far as prioritizing is concerned.
A special thanks to those of the 'world' who continue to show their love and support while I remain at my bitchiest - I continue to be tempted to spend more time with you and be there for you. Suffice it to say this whole delayed gratification thing sucks. (Parents and Z: this one is especially for you folks :-)!) I'm looking forward to reconnecting with you in much more meaningful ways in a few weeks. Please weather the current grunts in place of real communication and what I think are probably abrupt conversations and perhaps a modus operandi that is not-as-thoughtful - I love you all dearly and don't want to come out at the other end of this tunnel without all of you still very much a part of my life. I promise to be a better daughter/friend/colleague/human who is back to her happy, fun, cheery self in 6-8 weeks. In the meantime, if you really need me to be there, please holler loudly - I don't want to bail on you. Also know that my pathetic attempts at staying connected during this period are there because you matter and I care deeply about you.
Ciao for now!
Bionic-Woman
Monday, March 03, 2008
The Academic Zodiac
Today's issue of the Chronicle includes a hilarious take on the odd fortunes of academic life. Although I have yet to officially go on the "job market" it's becoming painfully clear that luck has more to do with these things than merit. This is not to say that idiots and morons are what the pool is made of. Hardly. But that most (if not all) folks with a Ph.D. have proven that they're incredibly smart and that they can be disciplined enough to become academics. So the article suggests that given the emphasis on 'luck' we might as well bypass the career services office and, instead, look to astrology. Not sure why one would go to the zodiac if 'luck' is what we're talking about but I'm not here to overanalyze - at least not this time ;-). Here's my academic-career-scope;if you'd like to see yours click on the title link of this post:
Capricorn: (December 23-January 20) You are a bundle of contradictions: ambitious and aggressive, but also cautious and reserved. You have intellectual talents within a somewhat narrow range. You are good at accumulating small details and identifying patterns that fit established theories. You are sometimes insensitive to the feelings of others. You want a place at the top, and you are willing to delay gratification for years and years, focusing on the future when countless opportunities will be available to you. Sometimes you are overly credulous. You place great value on being connected to high-status institutions. You should obviously continue your studies in English or history, fields that will soon have many openings. If that doesn't work out, consider one of many alternative careers as a famous screenwriter, highly paid management consultant, medical-test subject, or personal assistant to Stanley Fish. (Thomas H. Benton, The Chronicle, March 3, 2008).
Capricorn: (December 23-January 20) You are a bundle of contradictions: ambitious and aggressive, but also cautious and reserved. You have intellectual talents within a somewhat narrow range. You are good at accumulating small details and identifying patterns that fit established theories. You are sometimes insensitive to the feelings of others. You want a place at the top, and you are willing to delay gratification for years and years, focusing on the future when countless opportunities will be available to you. Sometimes you are overly credulous. You place great value on being connected to high-status institutions. You should obviously continue your studies in English or history, fields that will soon have many openings. If that doesn't work out, consider one of many alternative careers as a famous screenwriter, highly paid management consultant, medical-test subject, or personal assistant to Stanley Fish. (Thomas H. Benton, The Chronicle, March 3, 2008).
Friday, February 22, 2008
Pondering...a tad cryptically
What do you do when you realize something that you thought would make you happy doesn't anymore (it did once upon a time)? The easy answer: you figure out what would make you happy - by which I really mean more content - and readjust. The difficult answer or "easier said than done": sure, but it's scary when that thing has defined and shaped your life in important ways. The silver lining because I'm a big fan of those: I'm convinced that the 'something' has a place in my life - just not the one I have been thinking it would. So, still a readjustment which can be scary (in the sense that there can be fear of the unknown and I'm not a big fan of uncertainty even though I tend to smile through it and try my best to find the 'me' that can try to thrive on adventure) when the stakes are this high but then again I'd rather tweak this path now because 7 years down the road would be Godzilla scary.
Nopes it's not exactly like a crisis even though it might sound a little like it but more a general wonderment....
Why blog about it given that I'm a bigger believer in talking through stuff with people I love and respect? Because I've been sick all this past week including laryngitis - although I have my voice back as of this morning the whole "going into coughing fits" thing doesn't really leave talking as an option.
The other challenge: trying not to think about all this because I also know that the last laps of dissertating might be making me delirious and cranky and, therefore, generally unfit to make major, life-changing decisions. Well at least not good ones anyway. Kind of like when you're so fed up with your hair because it's been a long, dreadful winter or because something major has happened (in my case, it's tended to be breaking off long-term serious relationships) and you're craving a change but don't quite know what change you'd like to see. So you show up super-adventurous (which is really a euphemism for not knowing where you're going or what you'd like except that you'd like to go elsewhere than where you are right now) and your stylist butchers your hair completely because she's either having a nervous breakdown or is just too happy to experiment on a client who let's her do whatever she wants. Lo and behold you have a bad haircut which is in my books something that is high-maintenance and needs blow-drying for it to not look like it sucks completely.
In other words, I'm trying really hard not to get another bad haircut - literally and metaphorically. This is especially tough when you're the kind of person who likes to resolve things and bring life back into what feels like balance, harmony, and all that jazz. If I can make it through the next few weeks without obsessing to the point of distraction and indulging my own need to engage in spontaneity and impulsiveness every now and then, I'll be proud of myself. This is not to say that spontaneity is overrated - just that I need a little less clutter to be able to listen to my own gut because I truly believe in that whole instinct as the nose of the mind thing.
I think I'll be doing a lot of breathing to help me resist.
Nopes it's not exactly like a crisis even though it might sound a little like it but more a general wonderment....
Why blog about it given that I'm a bigger believer in talking through stuff with people I love and respect? Because I've been sick all this past week including laryngitis - although I have my voice back as of this morning the whole "going into coughing fits" thing doesn't really leave talking as an option.
The other challenge: trying not to think about all this because I also know that the last laps of dissertating might be making me delirious and cranky and, therefore, generally unfit to make major, life-changing decisions. Well at least not good ones anyway. Kind of like when you're so fed up with your hair because it's been a long, dreadful winter or because something major has happened (in my case, it's tended to be breaking off long-term serious relationships) and you're craving a change but don't quite know what change you'd like to see. So you show up super-adventurous (which is really a euphemism for not knowing where you're going or what you'd like except that you'd like to go elsewhere than where you are right now) and your stylist butchers your hair completely because she's either having a nervous breakdown or is just too happy to experiment on a client who let's her do whatever she wants. Lo and behold you have a bad haircut which is in my books something that is high-maintenance and needs blow-drying for it to not look like it sucks completely.
In other words, I'm trying really hard not to get another bad haircut - literally and metaphorically. This is especially tough when you're the kind of person who likes to resolve things and bring life back into what feels like balance, harmony, and all that jazz. If I can make it through the next few weeks without obsessing to the point of distraction and indulging my own need to engage in spontaneity and impulsiveness every now and then, I'll be proud of myself. This is not to say that spontaneity is overrated - just that I need a little less clutter to be able to listen to my own gut because I truly believe in that whole instinct as the nose of the mind thing.
I think I'll be doing a lot of breathing to help me resist.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
The Dissertating Life
I can think of a billion other things that I could have posted about - well okay, really I mean 3. Specifically, rants (which are connected to dissertating and being a women who, while dissertating, has an unplanned week-end encounter with family friends who just &*^%&^ don't get it), raves (awesome shoes on sale, Jodhaa Akbar - which, for the uninitiated, is the latest Bollywood flick out this week-end), and *stuff* (perhaps the elections in Pakistan but I'll leave that one for Asad to chime in on).
But right now, at this very moment, all I'm thinking about is this: the everyday life of a dissertator on days when one doesn't have teaching commitments. And it goes something like this.
Wake up. Plan to dissertate. Eat breakfast. Workout. Continue planning to dissertate. Even dissertate! However, all that time keep thinking about other stuff that would be more fun to do. Some of it might even be work-related, perhaps even another writing project (which is really "projects" in my case). Plan all of those things one would rather be doing as reward when X amount of writing is finished. Of course X is an unrealistic estimate but continue to think that it'll serve as motivation to get more done by prompting oneself to officially kick one's butt into gear. Not do what one planned to do - or not enough of it. Feel resentful because the other stuff wasn't done that would have been more fun - but of course it wasn't deserved, well or otherwise - because the dissertation didn't get as much attention as it ought to have. Day ends. Start anew with the (mistaken and surprisingly naive?) commitment for the next day to be different.
And somehow in the midst of many days like this it does eventually get done. Speaking of which, back to 'it'!
But right now, at this very moment, all I'm thinking about is this: the everyday life of a dissertator on days when one doesn't have teaching commitments. And it goes something like this.
Wake up. Plan to dissertate. Eat breakfast. Workout. Continue planning to dissertate. Even dissertate! However, all that time keep thinking about other stuff that would be more fun to do. Some of it might even be work-related, perhaps even another writing project (which is really "projects" in my case). Plan all of those things one would rather be doing as reward when X amount of writing is finished. Of course X is an unrealistic estimate but continue to think that it'll serve as motivation to get more done by prompting oneself to officially kick one's butt into gear. Not do what one planned to do - or not enough of it. Feel resentful because the other stuff wasn't done that would have been more fun - but of course it wasn't deserved, well or otherwise - because the dissertation didn't get as much attention as it ought to have. Day ends. Start anew with the (mistaken and surprisingly naive?) commitment for the next day to be different.
And somehow in the midst of many days like this it does eventually get done. Speaking of which, back to 'it'!
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Super Tuesday
Here it is! If you're a US citizen and reside in a state that is holding primaries today I urge you to go out and vote. I'm planning on casting my vote in the next hour or so.
I'll be the first to admit that I didn't know until recently whom to vote for. That's probably why I haven't been as active in this election as I was with the last presidential race. Last time, while the Democrats duked it out, I knew I wanted to go with John Kerry - and I did. This time has been markedly different for me. All I knew was that I wanted to vote - there's something about it that I love with the kind of childish hope and faith that I think participating in a democracy ought to be about. The belief and feeling that one has a role to play in one's political future does feel powerful and encouraging. Yes I recognize that I'm just one vote - but a few "one votes" can be critical as we've seen in recent elections. I'll admit that I really became more of an Edwards supporter over the last couple of months and wish he'd stayed through Super Tuesday to see how things transpired. But he probably made that decision because he believed it was the better one. I've never been a big fan of Senator Hillary Clinton - one part of me wanted to support her because it'd be nice to see a woman be president. But that's not what this should be about - or so I happen to think. I've been in angst about this but watching the debates over the last few weeks I've decided that I'm more committed to what Obama has to offer. I also agree that it's about time that politicking changed a bit - we're in desperate need of new blood and a fresh perspective. Also, Obama seems less like he's running for office (which is what Sen. Clinton seems to be doing all the time) and more like he's passionate and inspired from the heart and from the gut.
I'll post more some other time about the reasons why we gravitate towards calling someone (an actor, a presidential candidate, a significant other, a teacher, what have you) or something (a film, a TV show, a restaurant, you name it) "the best" and what arguing about this "best" is all about.
For now, I better complete my work so I can get to the polling booth before it gets crowded.
Happy Voting all!
I'll be the first to admit that I didn't know until recently whom to vote for. That's probably why I haven't been as active in this election as I was with the last presidential race. Last time, while the Democrats duked it out, I knew I wanted to go with John Kerry - and I did. This time has been markedly different for me. All I knew was that I wanted to vote - there's something about it that I love with the kind of childish hope and faith that I think participating in a democracy ought to be about. The belief and feeling that one has a role to play in one's political future does feel powerful and encouraging. Yes I recognize that I'm just one vote - but a few "one votes" can be critical as we've seen in recent elections. I'll admit that I really became more of an Edwards supporter over the last couple of months and wish he'd stayed through Super Tuesday to see how things transpired. But he probably made that decision because he believed it was the better one. I've never been a big fan of Senator Hillary Clinton - one part of me wanted to support her because it'd be nice to see a woman be president. But that's not what this should be about - or so I happen to think. I've been in angst about this but watching the debates over the last few weeks I've decided that I'm more committed to what Obama has to offer. I also agree that it's about time that politicking changed a bit - we're in desperate need of new blood and a fresh perspective. Also, Obama seems less like he's running for office (which is what Sen. Clinton seems to be doing all the time) and more like he's passionate and inspired from the heart and from the gut.
I'll post more some other time about the reasons why we gravitate towards calling someone (an actor, a presidential candidate, a significant other, a teacher, what have you) or something (a film, a TV show, a restaurant, you name it) "the best" and what arguing about this "best" is all about.
For now, I better complete my work so I can get to the polling booth before it gets crowded.
Happy Voting all!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Vacations for Academics: I'm so on board!
Folks I know who work outside of academia are often envious at the thought that I supposedly have a 3 months long summer break and a month off during winter. Ummm...break? What's that like exactly? Conventionally defined these are periods of time in which you get to take time off from work and simply breathe. For us academics, it seems to be periods of time when teaching obligations wane so that you rush to get the next article/book/research project completed while you don't have to show up to teach. Not that it isn't fascinating to be able to tap into your creativity to produce research but when exactly does one get to live their life without being consumed by student e-mails, lecture preps, conferences, meetings, grading, reading, and writing? Linked above (to the title) is an article from today's Chronicle by Mary Werner. I'm not sure if the author suggests this in jest but I sure like the idea of having someone cover my class or assigning some research work or having my students watch a film while I'm away - not because I'm ill or because I have professional obligations that conflict with my class times but because I'm taking an actual vacation. Kind of like the way it works outside academia where people who work take time off to go away without their work lives falling apart.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Of inspirations and perhaps even something like momentum
So between the 3 blog posts from today and, more importantly, finishing a (read: another and potentially final) draft of the introduction to the dissertation that I wrote and then revised all in one afternoon I'm feeling like "The Productive Writer /Dissertator That Could". Thanks are due here especially to Naeem for his comments on the previous post that gave me that "itching-to-write" feeling. I feel like I can write more...not right now perhaps because I have also prepared 2 lectures for my classes tomorrow and I think I've earned the right to take a break. Well I would've taken one irrespective but this way there isn't any guilt involved.
But I digress. What I wanted to say was that today was the first day in a l-o-n-g while that writing/dissertating didn't feel painful to the point of questioning why I was in this to begin with. So, yay :-)! I want to say that I think this might have its own momentum - well at least potentially - but I won't go so far only because my Mondays and Wednesdays are hijacked by "professoring". Although I want to try and sneak something in - just the feeling is nice enough. Especially since I get to move on to the next chapter. Plus I think sticking to breaking up dissertating into a small manageable task and using the comments I received from a friend to edit the version of the intro I finished earlier in the afternoon even though I really wanted to take a break feels darn good right now. That one of my committee members described what I finished today as "enticing" is of course icing on the cake :-).
I think it's true what they say and what the author Madeleine L'Engle has summarized beautifully. To quote her, "Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it." Writing and rewriting the intro helped lend clarity to the overall argument of the dissertation - I've been visualizing my argument that way for a couple of weeks now but just hadn't really written it all out. Which means that I kept opening new files (Word and iPod Voice Memos) without completing thoughts all the way through. This time I didn't let myself stop - and I think that happened because there were other folks involved in the process as I mentioned above. So what was somewhat fuzzy suddenly became clear - precisely because I kept working at it.
So, momentum does and can work...now let's hope I can keep at it for a while longer especially since I'll be traveling Friday and Saturday. In other words, the timetable is ambitious but so am I :-). Stay tuned for updates.
But I digress. What I wanted to say was that today was the first day in a l-o-n-g while that writing/dissertating didn't feel painful to the point of questioning why I was in this to begin with. So, yay :-)! I want to say that I think this might have its own momentum - well at least potentially - but I won't go so far only because my Mondays and Wednesdays are hijacked by "professoring". Although I want to try and sneak something in - just the feeling is nice enough. Especially since I get to move on to the next chapter. Plus I think sticking to breaking up dissertating into a small manageable task and using the comments I received from a friend to edit the version of the intro I finished earlier in the afternoon even though I really wanted to take a break feels darn good right now. That one of my committee members described what I finished today as "enticing" is of course icing on the cake :-).
I think it's true what they say and what the author Madeleine L'Engle has summarized beautifully. To quote her, "Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it." Writing and rewriting the intro helped lend clarity to the overall argument of the dissertation - I've been visualizing my argument that way for a couple of weeks now but just hadn't really written it all out. Which means that I kept opening new files (Word and iPod Voice Memos) without completing thoughts all the way through. This time I didn't let myself stop - and I think that happened because there were other folks involved in the process as I mentioned above. So what was somewhat fuzzy suddenly became clear - precisely because I kept working at it.
So, momentum does and can work...now let's hope I can keep at it for a while longer especially since I'll be traveling Friday and Saturday. In other words, the timetable is ambitious but so am I :-). Stay tuned for updates.
4 Dissertating Roadblocks
As far as I can tell, I run, rather than walk, to the nearest exit when I find myself in one of these 4 situations while dissertating:
1. Is there a "big picture"?: I know there is one but I have no clue how to put the individual pieces together so that the picture looks like I actually connected all the dots.
2. Data-mining: I know what I want to say. I know that I have "data" that helps me say it. But (you knew there was one right?) the sheer thought of going through it all to get it back in pristine form such that all the dots connect (see #1 above) seems like more than I can handle. And no, the thought of doing it bit by bit doesn't help. Why? See #3 below.
3. Me, myself and who?: When I sit down I feel like I must accomplish it all. I'm not sure why that is but I suspect that the fear of not being able to come back. For me sitting down to start is definitely the harder task because I need for there to be pin drop silence and complete peace and quiet when I write or else I lose my thoughts. What's the problem here you ask? Well I actually enjoy being around people and the solitude that I require to write well is clearly depressing. One-off situations are fine but dissertating requires regular and extended periods of these.
4. The Balancing Act: there are some ideas that I can only express in long-winded fashion. I fear I don't know how to zip them. Others I don't know how to unzip; I can only express them in compact form. I suspect this has something to do with the fact that I live in my own brain. I know how I got there and I'm usually rushing to make the point without realizing that sometimes people have to be walked through the idea. [Relevant aside: I think I have this problem while presenting at conferences and in teaching as well. Primarily because I find the pace of academia too rushed at times...well not academia in general but the academic configurations I often happen to occupy. Most folks are able to speak in convincing soundbytes. Here my British training comes into play. I'd like to dwell for a while. I need percolation. I can't always figure it out "in the moment". I need time to process. Unfortunately, things don't always work this way.] Either way, the packing and unpacking is tedious. It would be nice to strike the right balance in the first try some of the time at least.
I suspect some or all of these strike a chord non-dissertators as well. Anyone in the blogosphere want to commiserate or, better yet, perhaps offer suggestions?
1. Is there a "big picture"?: I know there is one but I have no clue how to put the individual pieces together so that the picture looks like I actually connected all the dots.
2. Data-mining: I know what I want to say. I know that I have "data" that helps me say it. But (you knew there was one right?) the sheer thought of going through it all to get it back in pristine form such that all the dots connect (see #1 above) seems like more than I can handle. And no, the thought of doing it bit by bit doesn't help. Why? See #3 below.
3. Me, myself and who?: When I sit down I feel like I must accomplish it all. I'm not sure why that is but I suspect that the fear of not being able to come back. For me sitting down to start is definitely the harder task because I need for there to be pin drop silence and complete peace and quiet when I write or else I lose my thoughts. What's the problem here you ask? Well I actually enjoy being around people and the solitude that I require to write well is clearly depressing. One-off situations are fine but dissertating requires regular and extended periods of these.
4. The Balancing Act: there are some ideas that I can only express in long-winded fashion. I fear I don't know how to zip them. Others I don't know how to unzip; I can only express them in compact form. I suspect this has something to do with the fact that I live in my own brain. I know how I got there and I'm usually rushing to make the point without realizing that sometimes people have to be walked through the idea. [Relevant aside: I think I have this problem while presenting at conferences and in teaching as well. Primarily because I find the pace of academia too rushed at times...well not academia in general but the academic configurations I often happen to occupy. Most folks are able to speak in convincing soundbytes. Here my British training comes into play. I'd like to dwell for a while. I need percolation. I can't always figure it out "in the moment". I need time to process. Unfortunately, things don't always work this way.] Either way, the packing and unpacking is tedious. It would be nice to strike the right balance in the first try some of the time at least.
I suspect some or all of these strike a chord non-dissertators as well. Anyone in the blogosphere want to commiserate or, better yet, perhaps offer suggestions?
Umm...age also lies in the eyes of the beholder?
This academic year (2007-2008) I have a visiting professor gig at what would be safe to label "Dream University"....the students and colleagues are both as close as one could possibly get to having one's "wish-list" met. The spring semester started last week so we're currently in the second week of classes at this point. There are still some students for whom this week will be the first time they go to a class since they were in the process of figuring out their schedules.[Relevant aside: I hate it when students join past the first class for the only reason that by the second class we've gotten down to business. Of course there isn't a familiar rhythm just yet but they end up missing the "this is the analytic we're working with" spiel which means they're going to be somewhat lost for a while which will then influence the "discussion" which is particularly critical this time round since both my classes are seminars rather than lectures.]
In my morning class (I'm teaching 2 new preps this semester), I had 2 newbies walk in for the first time. Usually, I walk in right when class is beginning or a couple of minutes later. However, yesterday I had a DVD to set up for us to watch in class so I arrived early. There were a few students in there already so we started chatting about lots of different stuff. Enter NewKid#1 - he looks completely unsure if he's in the right place. We confirm that he is. He takes a seat. As I'm talking to the students, it's pretty obvious he realizes only then that I'm the professor. Umm I thought it was kind of obvious perhaps even self-evident. Oh well. We start class and NewKid#2 walks in as one of the students is in the midst of making a comment. NewKid#2 looks like he's just woken up and walked straight to class - not that I am being judgmental :-). But he looks clearly dazed. He doesn't know whom to offer an explanation to about his coming to this class for the first time. He's scanning the room and I'm thinking to myself, "You have to be kidding me! Come on! I'm the only one dressed formally. Crack the code already". The students are looking at me holding back the urge to snicker. Finally I break the silence (read: his confusion).
When I first started teaching a class independently I was 23 years old. The confusion at that point is understandable. But I'm 32 now! One would think the age difference is substantive enough for a student to figure out that I'm the "head honcho" as it were in that configuration. Between wearing glasses and dressing formally I would have thought this wouldn't be a problem. Maybe I need to find some "old lady frames" like I did when I first started teaching - they didn't help much back then but I'm thinking now would be different. I think it's easier for young male professors - they can grow a beard as I know some folks who have. Nopes I don't want to grow a beard (!) but there's got to be some kind of other marker that younger female faculty members can adopt to avoid being mistaken for a student. I wonder if gender perceptions have something to do with this? Why do I say this? Because I don't think younger male faculty members run into the same problem as much as women do - at least the ones I've met.
Most people tell me I should be flattered that people still mistake me for a student. But an undergrad? Seriously?! I'm pretty sure I don't look that young - or so I think. I think I'll be flattered if this happens when I'm 45. For now, not so much.
In my morning class (I'm teaching 2 new preps this semester), I had 2 newbies walk in for the first time. Usually, I walk in right when class is beginning or a couple of minutes later. However, yesterday I had a DVD to set up for us to watch in class so I arrived early. There were a few students in there already so we started chatting about lots of different stuff. Enter NewKid#1 - he looks completely unsure if he's in the right place. We confirm that he is. He takes a seat. As I'm talking to the students, it's pretty obvious he realizes only then that I'm the professor. Umm I thought it was kind of obvious perhaps even self-evident. Oh well. We start class and NewKid#2 walks in as one of the students is in the midst of making a comment. NewKid#2 looks like he's just woken up and walked straight to class - not that I am being judgmental :-). But he looks clearly dazed. He doesn't know whom to offer an explanation to about his coming to this class for the first time. He's scanning the room and I'm thinking to myself, "You have to be kidding me! Come on! I'm the only one dressed formally. Crack the code already". The students are looking at me holding back the urge to snicker. Finally I break the silence (read: his confusion).
When I first started teaching a class independently I was 23 years old. The confusion at that point is understandable. But I'm 32 now! One would think the age difference is substantive enough for a student to figure out that I'm the "head honcho" as it were in that configuration. Between wearing glasses and dressing formally I would have thought this wouldn't be a problem. Maybe I need to find some "old lady frames" like I did when I first started teaching - they didn't help much back then but I'm thinking now would be different. I think it's easier for young male professors - they can grow a beard as I know some folks who have. Nopes I don't want to grow a beard (!) but there's got to be some kind of other marker that younger female faculty members can adopt to avoid being mistaken for a student. I wonder if gender perceptions have something to do with this? Why do I say this? Because I don't think younger male faculty members run into the same problem as much as women do - at least the ones I've met.
Most people tell me I should be flattered that people still mistake me for a student. But an undergrad? Seriously?! I'm pretty sure I don't look that young - or so I think. I think I'll be flattered if this happens when I'm 45. For now, not so much.
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