What do you do when you realize something that you thought would make you happy doesn't anymore (it did once upon a time)? The easy answer: you figure out what would make you happy - by which I really mean more content - and readjust. The difficult answer or "easier said than done": sure, but it's scary when that thing has defined and shaped your life in important ways. The silver lining because I'm a big fan of those: I'm convinced that the 'something' has a place in my life - just not the one I have been thinking it would. So, still a readjustment which can be scary (in the sense that there can be fear of the unknown and I'm not a big fan of uncertainty even though I tend to smile through it and try my best to find the 'me' that can try to thrive on adventure) when the stakes are this high but then again I'd rather tweak this path now because 7 years down the road would be Godzilla scary.
Nopes it's not exactly like a crisis even though it might sound a little like it but more a general wonderment....
Why blog about it given that I'm a bigger believer in talking through stuff with people I love and respect? Because I've been sick all this past week including laryngitis - although I have my voice back as of this morning the whole "going into coughing fits" thing doesn't really leave talking as an option.
The other challenge: trying not to think about all this because I also know that the last laps of dissertating might be making me delirious and cranky and, therefore, generally unfit to make major, life-changing decisions. Well at least not good ones anyway. Kind of like when you're so fed up with your hair because it's been a long, dreadful winter or because something major has happened (in my case, it's tended to be breaking off long-term serious relationships) and you're craving a change but don't quite know what change you'd like to see. So you show up super-adventurous (which is really a euphemism for not knowing where you're going or what you'd like except that you'd like to go elsewhere than where you are right now) and your stylist butchers your hair completely because she's either having a nervous breakdown or is just too happy to experiment on a client who let's her do whatever she wants. Lo and behold you have a bad haircut which is in my books something that is high-maintenance and needs blow-drying for it to not look like it sucks completely.
In other words, I'm trying really hard not to get another bad haircut - literally and metaphorically. This is especially tough when you're the kind of person who likes to resolve things and bring life back into what feels like balance, harmony, and all that jazz. If I can make it through the next few weeks without obsessing to the point of distraction and indulging my own need to engage in spontaneity and impulsiveness every now and then, I'll be proud of myself. This is not to say that spontaneity is overrated - just that I need a little less clutter to be able to listen to my own gut because I truly believe in that whole instinct as the nose of the mind thing.
I think I'll be doing a lot of breathing to help me resist.
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2 comments:
You've always looked good no matter what kind of haircut you good...I speak both literally and metaphorically.
The second good should be "have gotten"! Yes you can make fun of the typo when I get to New York in May.
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