If you were to ask me tonight, I'd rather be asked when I'm going to finish my dissertation as opposed to when I'm going to get married. Why? Lots of reasons of which the most obvious is that I don't believe you can control finding love whereas dissertating is relatively easier to plan to finish. I also think random strangers asking me about my dissertation isn't inappropriate but asking me when I'm going to get married is really something very private. That I'm working on my dissertation makes questions about it legitimate. Whether or not I'm in a relationship is also something that doesn't quite make the BBC headlines. Even if I were in a serious committed relationship, the mother-in-law of a family friend's son asking that question fairly aggressively and proceeding to tell me how the PhDing is a frivolous luxury (umm need I even say anything?) whereas marriage is "critically important" is uncalled for.
Yes I would like to get married. No, not to just anyone but to someone whom I love dearly and would work through any issues and problems to stay together because I don't want to imagine a life without him - and vice versa. In other words, I have no earthly desire to get married for the sake of getting married. When I get married it's going to be for the aforementioned reasons. So far I haven't quite met "The One". Not as in "The Perfect One" but "The One" where the imperfections and idiosyncracies don't serve as an excuse to run away but are all part of wanting to stay.
I don't know why the fuck people, especially those of Pakistani origin, can't let it go until a woman is married. If a man in his 30s is single the narrative is very different when compared to the woman of the same age. The man is sowing his wild oats. The woman is picky and past her "shelf life". So the goal is to get married at/by a particular age. To anyone who is single. That's really all the matters. You get married and you make it work by hook or by crook. Perhaps that works for some people. I'd really rather not.
Why is it only when I can get the three letters "Mrs" attached to my name that people will think I did what I was put on this earth for? Apparently the three letters "PhD" mean jackshit. And that really pisses the fuck out of me. Yes the opinions of these mentally deranged individuals shouldn't matter but it's an attitude that's fairly pervasive and it happens to make its presence known on my path with an increasing frequency that I do not have much patience for.
Again, I'm not at all anti-marriage. I don't know why "32 and single/never been married" is looked upon as an evil deviance. Doesn't it matter that I'm doing things with my life? My father has this theory about this obsession with marriage for the sake of marriage amongst Pakistanis. Long story short, when women enter puberty they're perceived as hyper-sexed and the need to get them married lest they commit any transgressions is urgent. I used to tell him he was being too cynical but given the kinds of ridiculous crap that distant acquaintances have put forth in suggesting to me that I'm basically at red alert on the whole marriage front leads me to think he might be on to something.
So let me get a few things straight here:
1. I'm a very happy, well-adjusted (for the most part ;-)!) single woman in her early 30s. Knock on wood! I don't need a man to make me happy but I would like to share certain things with a significant other and look forward to doing that when I find that person. Still, my life is hardly on pause.
2. I do not hate men or the idea of marriage. Far from it...I believe deeply in love and in the institution of marriage. I think Paul and Jamie Buchman from the sitcom "Mad About You" have the kind of marriage I'd love to be in. Easygoing, supportive, very little melodrama, happy banter, committed 100% to loving the other with every fibre of one's being, and comfortable with being in-progress. I like the marriage that I think my parents seem to have (Mashallah, touchwood) i.e. the bestest of friends who have made whoopee and whose love, respect, and care for each other is unmatched (again Mashallah).
3. I also believe firmly that you meet the one you're destined to be with when you're both ready. I can't understand why people who claim to be very religious Muslims don't process that too well. I mean aren't you supposed to have faith in God or some kind of higher, divine power? So get over the idea that if a woman is single it's because she's doing something wrong or is too picky or commitment phobic or uninterested in being a wife and a mother if that's not all she's doing.
4. No I'm not waiting for Prince Charming to arrive or under the delusion that Prince Charming will arrive magically on my doorstep. I'm open to love but I can't make every freakin' breathing moment about it. Like I said my life isn't on pause (knock on wood again).
5. And please do not bother introducing me to a "nice, single boy". No it's not that I prefer mine naughty and married (although the former is welcome ;-)!). It's just that I don't think that's the only basis for playing matchmaker.
6. I can't get married only because I think it's time or because I feel like my biological clock is ticking. I have friends who have done that in the past and I can see how miserable they are. I really would much rather not wake up feeling that way every morning.
7. Women do not have a shelf-life. Learn to treat them with respect and dignity.
So distant acquaintances who don't even know what color I like let alone me as a person - please butt the fuck out. If you must ask me a question despite us having nothing in common, let's discuss the erratic weather patterns of the last couple of weeks. Or what the Chinese are up to? Or if I watched "The Big Bang Theory" tonight. Although to be honest, if our paths have to cross let's just keep it to superficial pleasantries and move on. I don't particularly like you, you don't approve of me and feel like you have to preach absurdities at me if you do speak to me, and I really detest our interaction as I'm sure you must so why don't we save us both some trouble.
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6 comments:
I agree. "Butt the fuck out". I suspect the family friend's son's MIL was clearly trying to get rid of some of her grief at having made bad choices in life. She sounds like the kind of dinner table neighbor nightmares are made of. "Yuck".
You go! Vent big girl! For someone who didn't believe in the institution of marriage, got married anyway and is now proceeding to get a divorce, I say that it's all good provided, as you say, your life is not sitting on hold. Most of these ppl who ask these questions are usually the ones fearing too much change and actually want something for which to put life on hold which, as you strongly point out, is counterproductive in the end. Live it all fully.
Interesting that the tone of voice so dominant in our last 'chat' is equally pervasive in your monologue - I hereby retract the apology I tendered for inflicting any damage on tender ears.
BW, we've chosen (knowingly or unknowlingly) to go down paths less troden, ports less visited, identities less explored. And though the choices we've made have freed us from the suffocating garb of conformity, remember that most around us are still 'plugged in'.
It could be worse, you could be gay, I could be bi. We could have fetishes that may provide weeks of material for psychiatric conferences. When one crosses the line (or in this case refuses to join the circle), the only limits are our own imagination. And having said that, by most yardsticks we're fairly balanced people and have nothing to say sorry for.
We're not the ones on the outside... they're the ones who choose to remain imprisoned. Don't let some frustrated greying tart get your hackles up; rejoice in your individuality and celebrate the 'you' that you have become.
Big hug. Now cheer up.
Special K,
Of all your blog posts this is the one I have connected with the most!! I get it, I see it, I live and breathe it every single day.. and I couldnt have said it better!!
What pisses me off:
... is the question 'why'.. like I am going to sit Mrs Random Noseyposey down and give her a chronological account of my past relationships which havent worked, with explicit reasons why!
... is the presumptious question 'is it bcoz you work too much'.. yes, since i am a (gasp) 'working woman' (oh, sorry, 'girl'.. cant be called a woman till i'm married!), i live in a bubble, have no social life, dont interact with other human beings, never leave the shackles of the office... just bcoz i choose not to attend boring extended family dinners doesnt mean i dont go out on a sat nite and have a little fun.. which includes (gasp again!) members of the opposite sex!
... now that i am moving to NYC, i am getting knowing, sympathetic (or shd i say 'simply pathetic') looks and some comments implying i am moving to find a husband.. even from some friends! i havent figured out a way to tackle that one yet and suggestions would be most welcome!... sure, i would like to meet The One.. but i dont see how my moving to NY is supposed to be a step in that direction... i'd happily meet T.O. in PK-land.. though i have to admit, part of me does want to move to be able to get away from being branded as a mid-30s single woman.. like its a sign around my neck i shd carry around.. or an identification tag.. or wear special clothing so people can see it from far far away!! even younger people have started making it their business to remind me that i am single and that i should 'settle down'... to me that sounds like 'settle'.. full stop... aint gonna do it for the sake of doing it.. if i were to do that, i would have done it 8-10 years ago!!
I also agree with 2 of the comments above:
- as long as we're not putting life on hold, why should it matter?
- what if i was gay?? can you imagine what that level of intrusiveness would have done to me?
anyway, i could go on and on.. maybe in person soon, eh?!
tks again for this!
m
xoxo
A comment I received on this post via e-mail from my dear friend, N. N: I hope you don't mind me sharing this - I thought the other folks might like to read your thoughts.]
Hmmm.... what would it take (in fact would it be even possible) for you to get to a point where you can see that such questions and interrogations on the part of folks like these have a lot more to do with the anxiety you provoke for their understandings of what things should be like, what a woman's place is, blah blah blah.....While in the case of some folks this could arise out of a genuine concern for you, I suspect in case of most people, it is a result of uncertainty and anxiety about the usual social norms and expectations... your refusal to play along, I suspect brings out anxiety that is already there in them.... if they were so sure about things, they would not be so persistent or adamant about all of this...
I know this is easier to say..but maybe next time this happens, while you are listening to such sage advice and nodding, maybe you can speculate about the why the other person is so uncertain about the very 'thing' they are trying to sustain.... and maybe even secretly enjoy the discomfort you are causing them....
I guess what I am trying to say is, it is probably more about them and their lack of faith in the very thing they are telling you, and if so, then if that might help you deal with this in a way that makes you feel less .....angry??? I am of course assuming that you don't want to be angry...... Of course all of this is very easy to say because I am not the one being irritated.....
Thanks for your comments Zainab, Big Gurl, Saad D, N (via e-mail), and, M. A few responses:
Zainab: Thanks for always being an awesome friend, for the continued support, and for always bitching with me from the same side of the fence.
Big Gurl: You and NK made the same point. Perhaps there is some truth to the whole birds flocking together thing ;-). I'm not sure whether life's short or long but irrespective not putting it on hold at any point is imperative, yes?
Saad D: Thanks for the big hug :-).
I told you that you were fretting unnecessarily about tones and such. Perhaps you were having a blonde moment (yes it's a veiled Paris Hilton reference - that one you aren't living down anytime soon)? Or you mistook me for most women ;-)? I generally say what I mean. Yes there are exceptions - or rather have been - but you don't have to worry about those because I think that was a habit that latched on to me while I was in a particularly dysfunctional relationship where I knew I should have either not started it or walked out months before I did. In other words, that's a thing of the past. WYSIWG = my mantra now.
Are you familiar with Wittgenstein's words on limits? "The limits of my language are the limits of my world". Doesn't quite connect seamlessly in obvious ways but perhaps there is something there.
I do love the 'me' I have been, am, and will be. I highly recommend everyone do the same - except for those who remain, as you said, imprisoned. They really need to be beaten into demanding better of their lives.
Until our next chat?
NK: Your point is well taken but I sometimes feel like I'm being hypocritical. Or perhaps not? After all, I do believe in the institution of marriage. However, I guess how I define that institution is different from the way they do. Which goes back to your point about anxiety triggered by change or just plain difference. I wonder why human beings crave being conservative (by which I mean resisting change). Yes I know familiarity is comfortable. But I want to think there is something more. I wish I could wrap my brains around it only to understand where they're coming from. Hmm next writing project ;-)?
M: Ecstatic about the resonance level of this post for you. Members of the opposite sex? Sacrilege! I have some disappointing news. The tag will have to be worn here but perhaps the distance from such encounters can be engineered more successfully? I think one of the toughest things of late has been that friends and young ones have joined the brigade of Mrs Random NoseyPosey. It's disappointing when such assumptions hail from the former because we've been thinking all along that they're one of us. It's hard to digest their regressiveness. If you think about it, then perhaps we should be casting them sympathetic glances instead of pandering (if only to get the interaction over with much more quickly) to their silliness? In other words, it's up to us perhaps to be more forceful. And yes I too share the loathing of the phrase "settle down". If I'm going to settle down, then I'm probably happier right now. Isn't that what the point is of wanting a lifelong companion? Oh sorry. Apparently marriage is a religious duty that must happen to carry on with the business of procreation and legal recourse to satisfying base human urges. [I'm ready to puke and throttle someone's neck.] Yes let's go on and on about this and other things...in-person and please sooner than soon - xoxo back at you.
Lots more to say, not enough time. I'm sure related posts will be making their way to this blog.
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