Why I Loathe Revisions

I'm currently working on producing a more coherent, finished chapter based on a previous draft. In other words, I'm in "revision hell". Did I mention I hate this entire process? Nopes not dissertating, but revising for sure.

Yes, I know what "they" say. In fact, I know it all and I know it all too well. Yes I know once you get it done or down on paper (screen really) you can always revise and out of that emerges a chapter and eventually a dissertation. I'll be honest. That's the part I can't seem to get done primarily because I get so tired of wading around that I have to write from scratch pretty much. That I pulled that stunt 4 days prior to submitting my M.A. thesis and rewrote the first 2 chapters plus tacked on a conclusion does mean that it's doable - at least in the universe that I inhabit - but not the best idea. I agree that when I can revise the stuff turns out much better. But there's something about it that turns me off to the point where it's a Herculean task to bring myself to that point. [Special nod here to our Ph.D. Director who said on Day 1, probably Hour 1, of a week-long orientation not to expect any instant gratification in this process. I think he was putting it mildly. Not only is there none of that and only the long haul to look forward to but one has to pretty much force oneself to write, think, read when it feels humanly impossible to do more. No wonder some describe it as having a baby. But, like I might have blogged before, babies smell much nicer, are cuddly, and lead to a lifetime of love. The Dissertation - well not so much. But I digress...]

Why do I loathe revising? Three main reasons:

1. It often feels like fumbling around without ever getting anything done despite spending enormous amounts of time on it. When you're simply writing unplugged (which is also challenging sometimes in terms of reigning in The Perfectionist), the pages add up. At the end of the day you feel like you did something - guaranteed. With revising, well yes things become cleaner and crisper but the lack of "building more" can be a bit depressing. And on days when revising a paragraph consumes your entire existence...well let's just say it can induce self-doubt of epic proportions. After all, if I can edit a paragraph in one day am I ever really going to get done? [Yes I know I will and it's a bad day but that's rarely how it feels.]

2. Equally often, there are huge chunks of text that sound so darn good but they are, at best, redundant. At worst you ask? Don't...makes me shudder! So those paragraphs, pages even, need to be edited out. But taking that cursor over that entire text, highlighting it, and clicking 'cut' or hitting 'delete' is too heart-wrenching to come easily. Of course the longer that stuff remains in there, the longer this whole dissertating process is drawn out. Hmm the whole experience is kind of like The Ex whom you broke up with but keep breaking down and getting together with. In other words, that text has to be deleted and not saved in a separate folder to refer to later or else I know I'll keep coming back to it and trying to fit it in just because I'm so used to it and was in love with it once.

3. Migraines aren't fun; revising can, and often does, induce that. Need I say more?

But I guess it still needs to be done. Speaking of which, back to work.