"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens."
– Carl Jung
As I've mentioned several times before on this blog, I subscribe to a service through which I get quotes in my e-mail everyday. I've shared some of the ones that have inspired me or that got me thinking. Here's another one.
What struck me about this is in the context of experiences I've had over the last couple of years in particular. And as I look back retrospectively, I can't help but nod my head vigorously. I've noticed that I'm happiest and most fulfilled when I actually have the courage to listen to what my heart tells me to do. Otherwise I feel stuck and stagnant. Surprisingly, that gets more difficult as we get older - or so it seems. I know that I think more about what I have to do or what I'm expected to do then what I want to do. Luckily there isn't always a conflict between the two. But when there is, that's when things get hairy, yes? I don't mean "listening to the heart" in an hedonistic, completely ruled by the id kind of way. But I'm a big believer - or rather have become since I was about 27/28 - that our hearts and guts know what's best for us instantaneously. It takes a while for our minds to catch up to it. That's been my experience at least.
Your thoughts?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
2 dissertating challenges
Since I'm still here :-), I wanted to share 2 more thoughts. The first is an overall challenge while dissertating. The second thought is specific to my empirical chapters but one can conceivably extend it to the rest of the dissertating experience.
1. The hardest thing, time and again, heck I'd say day in and day out is the ABCD rule. That is, Apply Butt to Chair and Dissertate. Even when there is momentum. Even when you finish a chapter. Even after a particularly good writing day. It takes every ounce of strength and willpower to sit down in front of your laptop/computer/what have you each time and click on that icon on the desktop that represents the document you're currently working on. I think the clicking of the document is very tough. Those seconds between moving your finger over the trackpad to the click to the opening of an in-progress document - worse still if you're starting a new document - that's just when I end up feeling the urge to flight. Once it's open I think I breathe more easy and feel like I can tackle this. A productive morning doesn't automatically translate into the desire to sit down and continue the same rhythm in the afternoon. I wonder why that is. I suspect because it's intimidating to stare at a blank screen not knowing how much you'll write today or if you'll write anything that's usable. The latter is the most difficult - when you know you're putting in the time and the output, although helpful in working through an argument, isn't going to end up in the category of "finished dissertation pages" can be rather frustrating. Personally, I need pin drop silence to write and process. So it means being sort of a recluse. Hmm not just sort of. Not that I have trouble being myself and I cherish my "me-time" I do crave social interactions. That I currently seem to be starving myself on that front might be why I'm feeling so worn out. But I also know that I have to be strong through this or it isn't getting done - not just by the deadline I have in mind but not at all. And I'll be damned if I have this stretch out a few months longer because I just don't have the mental or emotional energy to continue feeling as stagnant as dissertating can feel. [Nopes I'm not bitter but I am restless.]
2. I'm currently writing a chapter that is based on original field research. I have a lot more interviews than I can conceivably include. I've made peace with that. Of the ones I thought I'd include until last week, well let's just say it would be overkill if I included all of them. I've noticed that, on average, the analysis of each interview is ranging about 20 pages. If I include all 11, well you do the math. So I'm working on cutting down the number. And it's almost like asking a parent of more than one kid who their favorite child is. I have no magical formula how to decide which ones to include and which to exclude. It's not just about page length. I suspect they get redundant real quickly in terms of the overall argument. The minute details are fun but not critical to moving the argument along. To be honest, the practical side of me concurs with a serious editing of that list of 11 - because having fewer to analyze means the deadline becomes attainable. In this worn out state, that consideration is part of the calculation. Of course then I end up feeling guilty. So I review my analysis again and it also makes intellectual sense. The challenge here is not about overcoming the guilt - or at least it's not what I'm focusing on. I have figured out what to do, more or less, for this current chapter. It might mean ignoring 2 interviews that I was really excited about but could well be a stand-alone chapter on a sub-topic within the dissertation in terms of the empirical sites I'm looking at. That the interviews of these individuals are of retired military officers and I'd planned for 'the military' to be a separate chapter in my dissertation but dropped the idea since I didn't have enough interviews to do that because of access issues [long story that I really don't feel like revisiting right now]. However, I could change these into a spin-off piece in the form of a journal article so it's not like I won't work on them ever. Nonetheless, what's difficult is that you do so much work and so little makes it to the dissertation project that it feels akin to a major letdown. Again I understand that it's not like I could have found a magic shortcut along the way and what feels like meandering is just part of the process and how it works. Still, that it never figures in can be heart-breaking and gut-wrenching.
Enough ranting/blogging, now I must open the file for chapter 5. Wish me luck!
1. The hardest thing, time and again, heck I'd say day in and day out is the ABCD rule. That is, Apply Butt to Chair and Dissertate. Even when there is momentum. Even when you finish a chapter. Even after a particularly good writing day. It takes every ounce of strength and willpower to sit down in front of your laptop/computer/what have you each time and click on that icon on the desktop that represents the document you're currently working on. I think the clicking of the document is very tough. Those seconds between moving your finger over the trackpad to the click to the opening of an in-progress document - worse still if you're starting a new document - that's just when I end up feeling the urge to flight. Once it's open I think I breathe more easy and feel like I can tackle this. A productive morning doesn't automatically translate into the desire to sit down and continue the same rhythm in the afternoon. I wonder why that is. I suspect because it's intimidating to stare at a blank screen not knowing how much you'll write today or if you'll write anything that's usable. The latter is the most difficult - when you know you're putting in the time and the output, although helpful in working through an argument, isn't going to end up in the category of "finished dissertation pages" can be rather frustrating. Personally, I need pin drop silence to write and process. So it means being sort of a recluse. Hmm not just sort of. Not that I have trouble being myself and I cherish my "me-time" I do crave social interactions. That I currently seem to be starving myself on that front might be why I'm feeling so worn out. But I also know that I have to be strong through this or it isn't getting done - not just by the deadline I have in mind but not at all. And I'll be damned if I have this stretch out a few months longer because I just don't have the mental or emotional energy to continue feeling as stagnant as dissertating can feel. [Nopes I'm not bitter but I am restless.]
2. I'm currently writing a chapter that is based on original field research. I have a lot more interviews than I can conceivably include. I've made peace with that. Of the ones I thought I'd include until last week, well let's just say it would be overkill if I included all of them. I've noticed that, on average, the analysis of each interview is ranging about 20 pages. If I include all 11, well you do the math. So I'm working on cutting down the number. And it's almost like asking a parent of more than one kid who their favorite child is. I have no magical formula how to decide which ones to include and which to exclude. It's not just about page length. I suspect they get redundant real quickly in terms of the overall argument. The minute details are fun but not critical to moving the argument along. To be honest, the practical side of me concurs with a serious editing of that list of 11 - because having fewer to analyze means the deadline becomes attainable. In this worn out state, that consideration is part of the calculation. Of course then I end up feeling guilty. So I review my analysis again and it also makes intellectual sense. The challenge here is not about overcoming the guilt - or at least it's not what I'm focusing on. I have figured out what to do, more or less, for this current chapter. It might mean ignoring 2 interviews that I was really excited about but could well be a stand-alone chapter on a sub-topic within the dissertation in terms of the empirical sites I'm looking at. That the interviews of these individuals are of retired military officers and I'd planned for 'the military' to be a separate chapter in my dissertation but dropped the idea since I didn't have enough interviews to do that because of access issues [long story that I really don't feel like revisiting right now]. However, I could change these into a spin-off piece in the form of a journal article so it's not like I won't work on them ever. Nonetheless, what's difficult is that you do so much work and so little makes it to the dissertation project that it feels akin to a major letdown. Again I understand that it's not like I could have found a magic shortcut along the way and what feels like meandering is just part of the process and how it works. Still, that it never figures in can be heart-breaking and gut-wrenching.
Enough ranting/blogging, now I must open the file for chapter 5. Wish me luck!
Update: yesterday + dissertating
So I did manage to get some work done. I didn't spend a lot of time and remained rather frazzled but I got out a draft of one of the interviews I'm analyzing - excerpts and discussion included. Not entirely bad.
Still, it remains rather Herculean as a challenge in terms of the timeline I'm looking at. And for various reasons I h-a-v-e to stick to those deadlines and somehow make it all happen.
Still, it remains rather Herculean as a challenge in terms of the timeline I'm looking at. And for various reasons I h-a-v-e to stick to those deadlines and somehow make it all happen.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Feeling rather un-bionic
So I guess I ended up jinxing it. Or I'm just plain tired and am looking for a more meaningful excuse than being unable to work.
I've been working hard so I don't feel guilty about not having clocked a single minute on my dissertation thus far today. But I am feeling anxious - and that's making the "I don't want to write" feeling worse.
On days like these I wonder why I was drawn to all of this because I enjoy thinking and writing. I don't enjoy it all the time.
Or perhaps this is how I get when I'm starting to work on a chapter because it all seems fuzzy.
Lots of possible be-'causes' I guess...I just wish I could work. I could take a mental health day but I don't really feel like taking time off because I wish I could just work. Hmm perhaps just wishing it will make it happen, yes?
Well I guess I still have the day left...I could give it a shot. I think I'm really worn out though because I've been at it rather maniacally - at this point I'm literally dreaming my dissertation or to-do list connected to the dissertation. So I wake up already exhausted to be honest.
Hmm I can't even seem to write a straight rant. I'll let you know tomorrow if I was able to work.
I've been working hard so I don't feel guilty about not having clocked a single minute on my dissertation thus far today. But I am feeling anxious - and that's making the "I don't want to write" feeling worse.
On days like these I wonder why I was drawn to all of this because I enjoy thinking and writing. I don't enjoy it all the time.
Or perhaps this is how I get when I'm starting to work on a chapter because it all seems fuzzy.
Lots of possible be-'causes' I guess...I just wish I could work. I could take a mental health day but I don't really feel like taking time off because I wish I could just work. Hmm perhaps just wishing it will make it happen, yes?
Well I guess I still have the day left...I could give it a shot. I think I'm really worn out though because I've been at it rather maniacally - at this point I'm literally dreaming my dissertation or to-do list connected to the dissertation. So I wake up already exhausted to be honest.
Hmm I can't even seem to write a straight rant. I'll let you know tomorrow if I was able to work.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Did it! And doing it...
'It' being the chapter I was running late on that I blogged about in my previous post.
I also mentioned a significant accomplishment coming up earlier here. Well I've completed 4 chapters, have 3 more to edit and 1 to write from scratch. Of the "3 more" to edit, 2 of the 3 are in more decent shape. So really 1 is kind of going to be written from scratch more or less. Also, of these 3, there's one set of interviews that I've never really incorporated in my analysis in any systematic way so that means quite a bit of work.
So if I'm MIA you know where I am. Please send me good vibes so that I can finish these drafts by the date I have planned. [Nopes not divulging because whenever I do I think I tend to jinx it myself.]
A very dear friend and colleague who also posts his comments on this blog as "anonymous" wrote to me that once there are 3 chapters in the box you know it's getting done. From his mouth (technically, typeface) to God's ears as well as my fingers. [Thanks "anonymous".]
Okay gotta go put my dissertating shoes on and get to it!
I also mentioned a significant accomplishment coming up earlier here. Well I've completed 4 chapters, have 3 more to edit and 1 to write from scratch. Of the "3 more" to edit, 2 of the 3 are in more decent shape. So really 1 is kind of going to be written from scratch more or less. Also, of these 3, there's one set of interviews that I've never really incorporated in my analysis in any systematic way so that means quite a bit of work.
So if I'm MIA you know where I am. Please send me good vibes so that I can finish these drafts by the date I have planned. [Nopes not divulging because whenever I do I think I tend to jinx it myself.]
A very dear friend and colleague who also posts his comments on this blog as "anonymous" wrote to me that once there are 3 chapters in the box you know it's getting done. From his mouth (technically, typeface) to God's ears as well as my fingers. [Thanks "anonymous".]
Okay gotta go put my dissertating shoes on and get to it!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Another day, another missed deadline
So the chapter I would have been ecstatic to finish yesterday is going to eat up all of today and, yes let's be realistic, a decent chunk of tomorrow unless I truly develop some bionic dissertating skills that I currently lack.
No I'm holding the perfectionism at bay so that's not it. Perhaps I'm just too optimistic with my estimations of how long it'll take me to finish something just because I'm so eager to no longer be dissertating. And in that eagerness I forget to allow myself the bad day where I don't want to dissertate because my brain no longer wants to process this darn thing or because I have the flu or because we have guests or just like that. Or maybe the estimation is realistic at the time but as I write those what happens is that new ideas (I used to call them green points aka my own little flashes of intellectual wonder - or so I like to think - but on the days they end up making me spend more time writing I'm less than fond of them while I also love them...sigh...ambivalence) pop into my head and I know they'd improve the argument and make it more substantive.
Either way you look at it, for better or worse, it's taking me longer than I had hoped to finish this chapter. That I'm working to a deadline (nopes I refuse to share it with the blogosphere right now because I don't want to jinx it) makes me anxious when things take extra days. It's a self-enforced deadline and it's connected to being able to take a vacation - so it is hard and fast in that I really deserve the latter and am craving it.
So back to the proverbial drawing board. Coz it ain't getting done by me blogging away :-). I'll be back!
No I'm holding the perfectionism at bay so that's not it. Perhaps I'm just too optimistic with my estimations of how long it'll take me to finish something just because I'm so eager to no longer be dissertating. And in that eagerness I forget to allow myself the bad day where I don't want to dissertate because my brain no longer wants to process this darn thing or because I have the flu or because we have guests or just like that. Or maybe the estimation is realistic at the time but as I write those what happens is that new ideas (I used to call them green points aka my own little flashes of intellectual wonder - or so I like to think - but on the days they end up making me spend more time writing I'm less than fond of them while I also love them...sigh...ambivalence) pop into my head and I know they'd improve the argument and make it more substantive.
Either way you look at it, for better or worse, it's taking me longer than I had hoped to finish this chapter. That I'm working to a deadline (nopes I refuse to share it with the blogosphere right now because I don't want to jinx it) makes me anxious when things take extra days. It's a self-enforced deadline and it's connected to being able to take a vacation - so it is hard and fast in that I really deserve the latter and am craving it.
So back to the proverbial drawing board. Coz it ain't getting done by me blogging away :-). I'll be back!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Another chapter sent
Yay me! I submitted the aforementioned methodology chapter to my chair day before yesterday and I swear it feels pretty darn good. More so because that's the chapter that sets the stage for me to be me without continuously having to justify the rationale for the project - from this point on I get to do the project which is liberating.
As far as completion is concerned, I'm coming up on a significant milestone...although not THE milestone but a pretty good one. Stay tuned for details shortly.
As far as completion is concerned, I'm coming up on a significant milestone...although not THE milestone but a pretty good one. Stay tuned for details shortly.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
The Pursuit of Gadgetic Happiness
1. I got a new iPhone 3G on Saturday the 12th which means I get to play with it instead of lusting after it. A million thanks to the parents for the present :-). It really is the funkiest piece of technology in recent years. I highly recommend it. My favorite feature? Currently deciding!
2. I also (finally!) put paranoia aside and upgraded to Leopard despite still being in Dissertationistan. Also loving Leopard with the only possible exceptions being the currently uncooperative iPhoto (which isn't that big a deal) and adjusting to the fact that the font in which I was writing my dissertation (New York) has suddenly disappeared. Let's just say the disorientation is making me uncomfortable.
Enough of an update, now back to finishing the chapter I ought to have on Saturday to deserve all of the retail therapy I'm currently enjoying.
2. I also (finally!) put paranoia aside and upgraded to Leopard despite still being in Dissertationistan. Also loving Leopard with the only possible exceptions being the currently uncooperative iPhoto (which isn't that big a deal) and adjusting to the fact that the font in which I was writing my dissertation (New York) has suddenly disappeared. Let's just say the disorientation is making me uncomfortable.
Enough of an update, now back to finishing the chapter I ought to have on Saturday to deserve all of the retail therapy I'm currently enjoying.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Why a Ph.D?
I've thought about this before. I've even posted about it before - if not on this particular blog then elsewhere in the blogosphere. I've talked about it with many of our readers here at LTLWI. But I don't think I've ever really had the perspective (being in the thick of things) or the courage to admit what I'm about to share right now.
This is going to sound incredibly self-indulgent for someone who isn't going to have a trust fund kick in. But it is the truth.
I did this because I love to think and write. I love being able to produce a tight narrative - one that moves people or forces them to think. [Relevant aside: I will add here that I love to write but not necessarily dissertate - and no I won't elaborate on that until I'm done with PhDing - not for any other reason but I just don't think I need to process it and risk a crisis of thought in a swirling vortex of anything remotely negative.]
I was able to do it for these reasons entirely because of my parents' support. Their objective for me as their offspring as far as education/schooling was concerned was that they wanted me to become an educated person capable of thinking. To them, college was a place where one went to learn how to think rather than be trained in a particular vocation. I respect and value their thoughts; more than that I love them for subscribing to this notion instead of being typical Pakistani/South Asian parents who can only see their kids growing up as doctors or lawyers or engineers. I love that they gave me the freedom to be able to use my brains. And this whole PhDing has been the ultimate space to nurture that kind of experience - this is not to say that that is it's only reality but it certainly is what the whole endeavor is about...so long as you find the right people or seek the right people to sustain the ideal.
And so, while I'm not exactly done - although I'm close but sometimes proximity can present itself as an overwhelming distance - I know that I would do it over. Well perhaps not in exactly the same way but I, despite obstacles and frustrations, have loved the experience. And to be perfectly honest, that which aggravated me about this process and continues to is only so if I think I'm in it for other reasons. But when I manage to remain in touch with my 'real' reason for doing this, I'm grateful and thankful to have had this opportunity. And for anyone else thinking about pursuing this path for the same reason, and only this, then I'd highly recommend it.
Now, back to dissertating. I have to finish working on a chapter that's due July 11. Wish me luck.
This is going to sound incredibly self-indulgent for someone who isn't going to have a trust fund kick in. But it is the truth.
I did this because I love to think and write. I love being able to produce a tight narrative - one that moves people or forces them to think. [Relevant aside: I will add here that I love to write but not necessarily dissertate - and no I won't elaborate on that until I'm done with PhDing - not for any other reason but I just don't think I need to process it and risk a crisis of thought in a swirling vortex of anything remotely negative.]
I was able to do it for these reasons entirely because of my parents' support. Their objective for me as their offspring as far as education/schooling was concerned was that they wanted me to become an educated person capable of thinking. To them, college was a place where one went to learn how to think rather than be trained in a particular vocation. I respect and value their thoughts; more than that I love them for subscribing to this notion instead of being typical Pakistani/South Asian parents who can only see their kids growing up as doctors or lawyers or engineers. I love that they gave me the freedom to be able to use my brains. And this whole PhDing has been the ultimate space to nurture that kind of experience - this is not to say that that is it's only reality but it certainly is what the whole endeavor is about...so long as you find the right people or seek the right people to sustain the ideal.
And so, while I'm not exactly done - although I'm close but sometimes proximity can present itself as an overwhelming distance - I know that I would do it over. Well perhaps not in exactly the same way but I, despite obstacles and frustrations, have loved the experience. And to be perfectly honest, that which aggravated me about this process and continues to is only so if I think I'm in it for other reasons. But when I manage to remain in touch with my 'real' reason for doing this, I'm grateful and thankful to have had this opportunity. And for anyone else thinking about pursuing this path for the same reason, and only this, then I'd highly recommend it.
Now, back to dissertating. I have to finish working on a chapter that's due July 11. Wish me luck.
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