I seem to be on some kind of blogging overkill today! Tons of thoughts - must share I guess. Or perhaps I'm just overcompensating for something akin to a major disappearance act from the blogopsphere that I will be pulling since I have 2 major deadlines to meet before we get to the long Independence day week-end in the US next week. Also, July is going to be a bitch and not in a fun way.
Despite being hit by fever and the sniffles most of last week, I, in my state of considerable delusion induced by antibiotics, came up with what I think is a kick-ass way to organize and execute the present draft of my methodology chapter. That it started raining just as I typed this sentence might (might) be a sign that I'm progressing in the right direction - or so says the myth that circulates in my Ph.D. program and perhaps even the 'Pakistani' part of my identity. Anyhow, I digress. This epiphany couldn't have come at a better time since I spent a couple of days firmly ensconced in despondency over this chapter. It isn't the first draft by any means or even the second or third. I felt like I should know what to do with it and just simply couldn't tell. But, as I said, it's currently kick-ass. So I better get my butt in gear (hmm what's with all the words having to do with posteriors?) and start working before I can officially kick off the week-end this afternoon.
How's the rest of the blogosphere holding up?
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Of Resolutions
Over a year ago, I made a resolution to cleanse my life of all relationships that were somehow toxic. An example would be friendships that were more a habit or compulsion than actual connections. Or perhaps relationships that always had me down more than up. I've more or less accomplished that. Okay what I really mean is I have actually accomplished that absent those relationships which according to, "the world", I can't walk away from. I've made my peace that and keep my contact to a bare minimum.
So now it's time for a new resolution that pertains not to my personal life but my professional one.
I've noticed that ever since I was a kid I have a really difficult time completing projects very close to the finish line if they have been part of my daily rhythm for too long. I get restless. I crave change. I want variety. For example, I'd do well in school all year long but I'd lose focus when it came to finals. Another example is my dissertation - I start writing a chapter and it's always the last couple of sections that trip me up. Either I don't finish them or write crappy bullet points to get it over with. I don't know if it's because the perfectionist in me gets intimated - some might say that. I really think it's just as simple as being bored. Although the perfectionism thing isn't completely off base. I work so hard in the beginning and maniacally to the point of exclusion of all else that I lose the fire by the time I near the finish line. So my new resolution is to work through the boredom or not let myself get to that point by curbing the perfectionist in me. Where am I going to try this first? Duh - the dissertation! Stay tuned - I won't promise regular updates but there will definitely be an announcement when I finish :-).
So now it's time for a new resolution that pertains not to my personal life but my professional one.
I've noticed that ever since I was a kid I have a really difficult time completing projects very close to the finish line if they have been part of my daily rhythm for too long. I get restless. I crave change. I want variety. For example, I'd do well in school all year long but I'd lose focus when it came to finals. Another example is my dissertation - I start writing a chapter and it's always the last couple of sections that trip me up. Either I don't finish them or write crappy bullet points to get it over with. I don't know if it's because the perfectionist in me gets intimated - some might say that. I really think it's just as simple as being bored. Although the perfectionism thing isn't completely off base. I work so hard in the beginning and maniacally to the point of exclusion of all else that I lose the fire by the time I near the finish line. So my new resolution is to work through the boredom or not let myself get to that point by curbing the perfectionist in me. Where am I going to try this first? Duh - the dissertation! Stay tuned - I won't promise regular updates but there will definitely be an announcement when I finish :-).
Black? White? Both? Other colors?
An e-mail exchange over the last 2 days with "anonymous" got me thinking about ambiguities and wanting to make things neat.
Let me try to explain.
I don't know how consciously this happens or if the recognition of it is any more conscious than its development but there comes a time, when we've had some amount of life experiences, that we have what we would describe as 'fully-fleshed out opinions or ideas' on the stuff that life is made of. As time passes, perhaps sometimes we get used to thinking that way. Then something happens and you're forced to revisit what you think - not because you necessarily need to change your thought since life has thrown you a curve ball. That's not what I have in mind. What I'm thinking of perhaps is more along the lines when in the course of an ordinary conversation one thing leads to another and the next thing you know you're deliberately contemplating an opinion, an idea, a belief, a value, a habit of living perhaps.
I tend towards "in-between" as a default position when it comes to most things. I don't mean non-committal or balanced but I'd like to think that where I end up is in a zone that doesn't want to necessarily see things as black or white. In other words, I'd like to think that I'm comfortable with ambivalence. That, unlike my desire to have any motifs on my bedding facing the head or everything on my desk at a right angle, that when it comes to meaningful life stuff I'm okay when things aren't neat.
And I am.
However, when I try to express my opinions or thoughts I try to neaten them up. I beat the "gray" or "other colors" out of them and package them as "black or white". Why do I/we do that? Are we so hung up on conventional forms of rationality that our communication patterns center around that? Or perhaps it's the way language works - a tool that was intended to resolve uncertainty. I'd say perhaps it's the way language is - a tool of the brain that doesn't quite capture what the heart feels or the gut senses. But then again I've read beautiful poetry that does exactly that. So perhaps it's me - or us if you dwell in the same space on this.
Why and when do we rush to neatness? I'll speak for myself. Is it that I want to seem more sure than I am? Or rather, I want to disguise what others might recognize as uncertainty when it really is a more solid certain than I'm letting on.
Before I go on, I'm not angsting. Just thinking through a train of thought and blogging about it.
So where was I before that disclaimer?
Yes...why is it that when we can dwell in what seems like ambiguity or be comfortable in complexity that our conversation or presentation of those ideas tends towards neat matrices of 2x2s or something like that?
I usually end up back in the complexity but why the impulse to start off neat? Any thoughts?
PS - special note to 'anonymous'(although I think that ought to be 'n-anonymous'): Thanks for always engaging and keeping me engaged.
Let me try to explain.
I don't know how consciously this happens or if the recognition of it is any more conscious than its development but there comes a time, when we've had some amount of life experiences, that we have what we would describe as 'fully-fleshed out opinions or ideas' on the stuff that life is made of. As time passes, perhaps sometimes we get used to thinking that way. Then something happens and you're forced to revisit what you think - not because you necessarily need to change your thought since life has thrown you a curve ball. That's not what I have in mind. What I'm thinking of perhaps is more along the lines when in the course of an ordinary conversation one thing leads to another and the next thing you know you're deliberately contemplating an opinion, an idea, a belief, a value, a habit of living perhaps.
I tend towards "in-between" as a default position when it comes to most things. I don't mean non-committal or balanced but I'd like to think that where I end up is in a zone that doesn't want to necessarily see things as black or white. In other words, I'd like to think that I'm comfortable with ambivalence. That, unlike my desire to have any motifs on my bedding facing the head or everything on my desk at a right angle, that when it comes to meaningful life stuff I'm okay when things aren't neat.
And I am.
However, when I try to express my opinions or thoughts I try to neaten them up. I beat the "gray" or "other colors" out of them and package them as "black or white". Why do I/we do that? Are we so hung up on conventional forms of rationality that our communication patterns center around that? Or perhaps it's the way language works - a tool that was intended to resolve uncertainty. I'd say perhaps it's the way language is - a tool of the brain that doesn't quite capture what the heart feels or the gut senses. But then again I've read beautiful poetry that does exactly that. So perhaps it's me - or us if you dwell in the same space on this.
Why and when do we rush to neatness? I'll speak for myself. Is it that I want to seem more sure than I am? Or rather, I want to disguise what others might recognize as uncertainty when it really is a more solid certain than I'm letting on.
Before I go on, I'm not angsting. Just thinking through a train of thought and blogging about it.
So where was I before that disclaimer?
Yes...why is it that when we can dwell in what seems like ambiguity or be comfortable in complexity that our conversation or presentation of those ideas tends towards neat matrices of 2x2s or something like that?
I usually end up back in the complexity but why the impulse to start off neat? Any thoughts?
PS - special note to 'anonymous'(although I think that ought to be 'n-anonymous'): Thanks for always engaging and keeping me engaged.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Yay!
Last night I (finally!) finished a chapter that has been the bane of my existence since I started writing the dissertation actively and that I've continued to avoid for months every time I return to it. Always managing to almost finish a draft but never quite getting the last few pages done. That's how it continued to stand. And now, well, it's done.
Okay just perhaps not done done or I won't know until my committee reads it. But it is definitely the least horrendous version of this particular chapter - and actually has finished sentences and sub-sections!
I'd say yesterday was a good day - what with completing a chapter and one of my very old school friends having a baby (congrats Sam!)
Dare I say onwards? Well after playing a little hookey this afternoon (read: getting my Airport card fixed...this whole sans wireless access thing just isn't fun)
Okay just perhaps not done done or I won't know until my committee reads it. But it is definitely the least horrendous version of this particular chapter - and actually has finished sentences and sub-sections!
I'd say yesterday was a good day - what with completing a chapter and one of my very old school friends having a baby (congrats Sam!)
Dare I say onwards? Well after playing a little hookey this afternoon (read: getting my Airport card fixed...this whole sans wireless access thing just isn't fun)
Friday, June 13, 2008
Which of these 2 choices would you make?
Would you rather be doing nothing to keep space open in your life for that perfect 'thing' (whatever it may be - a job, that special someone or even something relatively mundane like the perfect movie or dessert) or would you rather find something/someone in the meantime and see where life takes you?
What would I do? I guess it depends on the 'thing' in question :-). I'd rather not waste calories on an average dessert - and I mean that both literally and metaphorically ;-). But not always I guess :-)!
Your thoughts blog-readers?
What would I do? I guess it depends on the 'thing' in question :-). I'd rather not waste calories on an average dessert - and I mean that both literally and metaphorically ;-). But not always I guess :-)!
Your thoughts blog-readers?
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Where I am...
...is exactly where I ought to have been if the folks at Blogthings have it right!
You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy) |
 You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer. |
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Getting it done...
Well trying to at least.
I have to admit that I'm sick to death of working on this dissertation project. Probably because it's yet another summer where I'm trying to get it done. I think I will. Rather, I won't allow myself not to.
But, for multiple reasons that shall remain un-blogged, I just don't feel motivated by the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps this has something to do with my own personality traits - if I've been doing something for a while it's always the last few steps that I find challenging. Not because the work that remains is a challenge compared to what I've accomplished on the thing in question up until that point but because I get restless and bored. I was that way in school as far back as first grade even. I'd have all the enthusiasm throughout the year and then we'd have final year-end assessments and I'd be completely distracted and not do as well. Undergrad was like this for me too - I took really easy classes the last semester of the last year and had an incredibly breezy schedule. However, I probably fared the worst most of them except for one (which is the one I actually felt challenged by). I wonder if this is a pattern I need to break. I think I already start thinking ahead to what comes next and what I need to finish up to move on seems to take a backseat. That's probably bad. Especially since the stuff I've worked on in the past had a definitive timeline - exams ended and once you amassed 128 credits successfully you had a Bachelor's degree. Alas PhDing isn't like that. If you ignore that little thing called The Dissertation you don't magically finish but giving it the bare minimum.
And so I must try to be productive this summer even though I'm already daydreaming about what comes next. I'll keep you folks posted on my progress.
I have to admit that I'm sick to death of working on this dissertation project. Probably because it's yet another summer where I'm trying to get it done. I think I will. Rather, I won't allow myself not to.
But, for multiple reasons that shall remain un-blogged, I just don't feel motivated by the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps this has something to do with my own personality traits - if I've been doing something for a while it's always the last few steps that I find challenging. Not because the work that remains is a challenge compared to what I've accomplished on the thing in question up until that point but because I get restless and bored. I was that way in school as far back as first grade even. I'd have all the enthusiasm throughout the year and then we'd have final year-end assessments and I'd be completely distracted and not do as well. Undergrad was like this for me too - I took really easy classes the last semester of the last year and had an incredibly breezy schedule. However, I probably fared the worst most of them except for one (which is the one I actually felt challenged by). I wonder if this is a pattern I need to break. I think I already start thinking ahead to what comes next and what I need to finish up to move on seems to take a backseat. That's probably bad. Especially since the stuff I've worked on in the past had a definitive timeline - exams ended and once you amassed 128 credits successfully you had a Bachelor's degree. Alas PhDing isn't like that. If you ignore that little thing called The Dissertation you don't magically finish but giving it the bare minimum.
And so I must try to be productive this summer even though I'm already daydreaming about what comes next. I'll keep you folks posted on my progress.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Sesame Street Persona Quiz
I am apparently - drum roll please - Big Bird! That does make sense perhaps since Big Bird was my favorite character on Sesame Street. Here are the results:
You scored 77% Organization, 51% abstract, and 81% extroverted!
This test measured 3 variables.
First, this test measured how organized you are. Some muppets like Cookie Monster make big messes, while others like Bert are quite anal about things being clean.
Second, this test measured if you prefer a concrete or an abstract viewpoint. For the purposes of this test, concrete people are considered to gravitate more to mathematical and logical approaches, whereas abstract people are more the dreamers and artistic type.
Third, this test measured if you are more of an introvert or an extrovert. By definition, an introvert concentrates more on herself and an extrovert focuses more on others. In this test an introvert was somebody that either tends to spend more time alone or thinks more about herself.
You are very organized, both concrete and abstract, and more extroverted.
Here is why are you Big Bird.
You are both very organized. You almost always know where your belongings are and you prefer things neat. You may even enjoy cleaning and find it therapeutic. Big Bird is never sloppy and always under control... pretty good for a 6 year old bird living without a family.
You both are sometimes concrete and sometimes abstract thinkers. Big Bird can be quite dreamy at times and has no problem using his imagination. At the same time he is also practical and can be methodical in his search for answers to questions. You have a good balance in your life. You know when to be logical at times, but you also aren't afraid to explore your dreams and desires... within limits of course.
You are both extroverts. Big Bird gets along with everyone. He makes friends easily and always has a positive attitude. You definitely enjoy the company of others, and you don't have problems meeting new people... in fact you probably look forward to it. You are willing to take charge when necessary or work as part of a team.
The other possible characters are
Oscar the Grouch
Bert
Snuffleupagus
Ernie
Elmo
Kermit the Frog
Grover
Cookie Monster
Guy Smiley
The Count
You scored 77% Organization, 51% abstract, and 81% extroverted!
This test measured 3 variables.
First, this test measured how organized you are. Some muppets like Cookie Monster make big messes, while others like Bert are quite anal about things being clean.
Second, this test measured if you prefer a concrete or an abstract viewpoint. For the purposes of this test, concrete people are considered to gravitate more to mathematical and logical approaches, whereas abstract people are more the dreamers and artistic type.
Third, this test measured if you are more of an introvert or an extrovert. By definition, an introvert concentrates more on herself and an extrovert focuses more on others. In this test an introvert was somebody that either tends to spend more time alone or thinks more about herself.
You are very organized, both concrete and abstract, and more extroverted.
Here is why are you Big Bird.
You are both very organized. You almost always know where your belongings are and you prefer things neat. You may even enjoy cleaning and find it therapeutic. Big Bird is never sloppy and always under control... pretty good for a 6 year old bird living without a family.
You both are sometimes concrete and sometimes abstract thinkers. Big Bird can be quite dreamy at times and has no problem using his imagination. At the same time he is also practical and can be methodical in his search for answers to questions. You have a good balance in your life. You know when to be logical at times, but you also aren't afraid to explore your dreams and desires... within limits of course.
You are both extroverts. Big Bird gets along with everyone. He makes friends easily and always has a positive attitude. You definitely enjoy the company of others, and you don't have problems meeting new people... in fact you probably look forward to it. You are willing to take charge when necessary or work as part of a team.
The other possible characters are
Oscar the Grouch
Bert
Snuffleupagus
Ernie
Elmo
Kermit the Frog
Grover
Cookie Monster
Guy Smiley
The Count
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
A first!
For the very first time in this whole dissertating process, I managed to force myself to push through the writing even if I didn't think it was perfect. Normally I obsess over links and spend time hunting down citations as I craft each sentence. Yesterday I wrote to tell the story without getting lost in all of the details. In other words, I wrote what I think a reader needs to know instead of telling the reader everything I know. It's not perfect by any means. But it certainly is good enough. Or so I think - we'll see what my committee members have to say when they read it.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Behold the power of ZZZ's
Yesterday was a particularly rough day for a multitude of personal reasons. You know the kind of day you have when, despite being generally optimistic, 'tomorrow' seems more like something "they" say to distract you but that really has more fantasy than reality? Well that was Monday for me. And then I actually slept last night - not completely like a baby or straight through but I got more sleep than I have in the past few weeks. And although none of the personal stuff has really gone away I feel like it's been put in some perspective by those oh so blessed zzz's. I've noticed that whenever my brain gets cloudy and I can't quite process stuff, I do feel a lot better once I've slept. By better I mean I have a better handle on confronting challenges head on - plus I get out of loopy moode.
So if you're feeling as overwhelmed as I was yesterday, make sure to get a good night's sleep.
So what's the plan today? I didn't write as much as I had planned to yesterday so I'm going to play catch up. I'd planned to write an entire sub-section of a chapter of my dissertation - all I wrote was a detailed summary outline of the section. So the goal is to finish that sub-section today. And then get a headstart on the subsection I was planning to start working on today. Wish me luck blogosphere!
So if you're feeling as overwhelmed as I was yesterday, make sure to get a good night's sleep.
So what's the plan today? I didn't write as much as I had planned to yesterday so I'm going to play catch up. I'd planned to write an entire sub-section of a chapter of my dissertation - all I wrote was a detailed summary outline of the section. So the goal is to finish that sub-section today. And then get a headstart on the subsection I was planning to start working on today. Wish me luck blogosphere!
Monday, June 02, 2008
Mid-year resolution: mini-rewards
Today's issue of The Chronicle has a great column by Ms. Mentor on shortening to-do lists for academics. If you're interested in reading this, and you don't have to be in academe to do so, please check it out here.
An excerpt of some of the ideas from this piece that struck a chord with me or had me laughing while nodding my head vigorously: "Too many academics are riddled with guilt, Ms. Mentor knows. Most of you have been fueled by it all your lives. ... Academics start the summer with a fresh slate, the way the rest of the world starts a new year: gasping with exhaustion, but brimming with nervous energy and wildly ambitious plans. You'll learn Old Norse or study genetics. You'll clean up all those moldering books and papers. You'll alphabetize and synthesize and categorize. ... You've worked intensely through the academic year, and some part of you yearns to be the beach bum or bummette -- the lazy loafer the civilians think you are -- after you've put in nine months smoothly molding young minds. (Civilians also think teaching restless teenagers is easy. Ms. Mentor wishes that stingy legislators were required to take a turn teaching and grading first-year composition at a community college. They just might appreciate the performance anxiety, the classroom radar, and the standup comedy aspects of the job -- and how deeply, deeply draining it can be.) Your To-Do list can include some beach-bunny activity for every day. It can be swimming or volleyball, or cooking something tasty, or getting together with your fellow graduate students or colleagues to whine, conspire, brag, and cheer one another on. ... Summer can be a most serious time for academics. For dissertation and book writers, it's the up-close, concentrated wrestling with ideas and phrasing. For scientists, it means full days in the lab; for botanists and archaeologists, full days in the field. Summer can be the most intense, focused, and exhilarating time -- leading to some bittersweet moments of decision."
Moral of the story? Rather, what's the resolution as the title of this post suggests*?
Instead of binge dissertating and delaying all gratification, I'm going to try to be disciplined about writing a decent amount everyday (which I do have specified on a meticulously drawn calendar). Every time I get done with a chapter draft I'm going to reward myself. And I have plans for vacationing at the half-way mark and grander ones for when I submit The Whole Dissertation. When will that be? Sooner than you think :-).
Here's to a productive and fun summer! Brace yourselves and get ready to call me Dr. B-W (Inshallah! Fingers crossed. Throwing salt over shoulder and knocking on wood.
*[N: I think you should join me in this resolution].
An excerpt of some of the ideas from this piece that struck a chord with me or had me laughing while nodding my head vigorously: "Too many academics are riddled with guilt, Ms. Mentor knows. Most of you have been fueled by it all your lives. ... Academics start the summer with a fresh slate, the way the rest of the world starts a new year: gasping with exhaustion, but brimming with nervous energy and wildly ambitious plans. You'll learn Old Norse or study genetics. You'll clean up all those moldering books and papers. You'll alphabetize and synthesize and categorize. ... You've worked intensely through the academic year, and some part of you yearns to be the beach bum or bummette -- the lazy loafer the civilians think you are -- after you've put in nine months smoothly molding young minds. (Civilians also think teaching restless teenagers is easy. Ms. Mentor wishes that stingy legislators were required to take a turn teaching and grading first-year composition at a community college. They just might appreciate the performance anxiety, the classroom radar, and the standup comedy aspects of the job -- and how deeply, deeply draining it can be.) Your To-Do list can include some beach-bunny activity for every day. It can be swimming or volleyball, or cooking something tasty, or getting together with your fellow graduate students or colleagues to whine, conspire, brag, and cheer one another on. ... Summer can be a most serious time for academics. For dissertation and book writers, it's the up-close, concentrated wrestling with ideas and phrasing. For scientists, it means full days in the lab; for botanists and archaeologists, full days in the field. Summer can be the most intense, focused, and exhilarating time -- leading to some bittersweet moments of decision."
Moral of the story? Rather, what's the resolution as the title of this post suggests*?
Instead of binge dissertating and delaying all gratification, I'm going to try to be disciplined about writing a decent amount everyday (which I do have specified on a meticulously drawn calendar). Every time I get done with a chapter draft I'm going to reward myself. And I have plans for vacationing at the half-way mark and grander ones for when I submit The Whole Dissertation. When will that be? Sooner than you think :-).
Here's to a productive and fun summer! Brace yourselves and get ready to call me Dr. B-W (Inshallah! Fingers crossed. Throwing salt over shoulder and knocking on wood.
*[N: I think you should join me in this resolution].
Quote of the Week: Monday, June 2
"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses." – Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr.
I really liked this one or rather it resonated with me because of the kind of start this week seems to have gotten off to. And it's only 10:35 am on Monday! Nopes nothing on the scale of tragedy (Mashallah. Knock on wood) but you know when you have the kind of weeks where lots of loved ones are around you because they happen to be visiting and then suddenly the fantasy comes to an end because people have to get back to their daily lives. So I find myself in kind of that lull. Over the past 2+ months, several people whom I love dearly but who live far away have been visiting one after the other. It's been incredibly heartwarming and fun. Now everyone's gone and it suddenly feels very empty. It's going to take a while to get used to. That's what was bumming me out this morning. And then I got this quote in my e-mail and felt rather unbummed because it reminded me to smile both because of weeks past and because I'm sure I'll meet everybody again...soon enough I hope (Inshallah).
Plus I kind of like the whole "glass is half full" approach to life. In fact, I try to veer towards the approach where "the glass is half-full and I'm trying to find a way to make it more full".
Here's to roses and thorns! Have a good Monday all!
I really liked this one or rather it resonated with me because of the kind of start this week seems to have gotten off to. And it's only 10:35 am on Monday! Nopes nothing on the scale of tragedy (Mashallah. Knock on wood) but you know when you have the kind of weeks where lots of loved ones are around you because they happen to be visiting and then suddenly the fantasy comes to an end because people have to get back to their daily lives. So I find myself in kind of that lull. Over the past 2+ months, several people whom I love dearly but who live far away have been visiting one after the other. It's been incredibly heartwarming and fun. Now everyone's gone and it suddenly feels very empty. It's going to take a while to get used to. That's what was bumming me out this morning. And then I got this quote in my e-mail and felt rather unbummed because it reminded me to smile both because of weeks past and because I'm sure I'll meet everybody again...soon enough I hope (Inshallah).
Plus I kind of like the whole "glass is half full" approach to life. In fact, I try to veer towards the approach where "the glass is half-full and I'm trying to find a way to make it more full".
Here's to roses and thorns! Have a good Monday all!
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